"Your eggs are bad!" - A brief journey through infertility

It took 3 years for DH and me to have our son. I was diagnosed with endometriosis when I was 14 so we knew it was going to be a battle and it was. After a year of trying on our own, we called in the "experts". I was in pain, extremely vulnerable and desperate to have a baby - the ideal infertility candidate. After many drugs, painful tests, IUI cycles, one IVF cycle and follow up laparoscopy we gave up and threw in the towel for a little while. I interviewed two adoption agencies and decided we would go find our child in Russia.

Then I got pregnant. For real.

And 9 months later we had DS. With no intervention, nothing. I was 4 1/2 months pregnant when I FINALLY accepted that I was actually going to have a baby. I was so used to nothing but negative tests and sad looks on doctors faces that I couldn't fathom I was one of the lucky ones who got to have a baby. I felt like I'd won a huge contest - really, the joy is unexplainable.

But I digress. When I was "in pain, extremely vulnerable and desperate to have a baby" I could have used some good advice. I didn't know anyone my age in NYC who was going through IVF or any significant infertility issues so I had no one to talk to. I once made the mistake of visiting a "coping with infertility" blog and it just filled me with despair. Books were pretty worthless - every single one I read (and I read ALOT) seemed outdated or missed the mark with ME. Most of my family and friends treaded gingerly around the issue. It's like when someone dies and you don't really know what to say? That's how most people are with infertility. There were countless baby showers I couldn't attend because I knew I would start sobbing, women I just couldn't be around because they had babies and I didn't, the list goes on and on. I really could have used some advice.

So here are a few things I learned during my 3 year journey through infertility. If you've been through it, please feel free to add - the more information the better.

1) Get 2nd and 3rd opininons. Maybe even 4th. Interview clinics! Infertility clinics/practices are a BUSINESS. Got it? A BUSINESS. Yes, they want to help you get pregnant, but they are still a BUSINESS. The biggest mistake I made was signing on with the first infertility clinic I visited. Again, I was vulnerable and all I wanted was to have a baby so I didn't do my homework and interview several clinics. I should have; it would have saved me all the second guessing. Halfway through my IVF cycle my doctor told me that my eggs were bad and I would need donor eggs. I cried and never questioned - I should have. Interview and get multiple opinons.

2) Treatments are typically based on your monthly cycle, so its usually a full 30 days before everyone realizes something didn't work. You're going to be spending ALOT of time at an infertility clinic especially if you dive into IVF - make sure that you LIKE your doctor. Mine had a horrible bedside manner (another post altogether and one I don't feel like writing), and when you're getting an internal ultrasound on your ovaries every day for 2 weeks, ya want someone ya kinda like, know what I mean? Find a doctor/practice that you like.

3) Make sure that you and your insurance company know EXACTLY what is going on before you start any procedures. This takes time and patience but will save you headaches and heartache in the end. Infertility is extremely expensive and you want to make sure your insurance is paying every penny they are supposed to - be on top of this.

4) Tell a couple of close friends what is going on. For awhile, I kept it all a big secret. Finally I caved and told Marian and a few others what was going on and that really saved my sanity. You need your friends and your DH needs you to have an outlet other than him. Allow a few people to help you.

5) Try to stay away from those "coping with infertility" blogs - they'll bring you down. You need positive energy to go through this stuff and staying up late at night commiserating online with other women who are going through it, lost pregnancies, are depressed, etc. isn't going to elevate your soul.

6) Try to take care of yourself spiritually. Visit the temple if and when you are able. Ask for a blessing. Read your patriarchal blessing. These may sound like standard mormon answers but when you are battling infertility you'll probably forget about this stuff. You need to keep yourself in tune spiritually, so do what is necessary to get in tune.

And finally, do not attempt infertility treatment AND adoption at the same time. I know, people do it but it is SO emotionally and financially draining that I can't recommend it. Decide where your energy and time is best spent and then dedicate yourself to that cause 100%. Stop and reevaluate when you need to but don't try both of these processes at the same time.