Love, Loss and Lessons in Mexico

A few weeks ago I set off for a one week vacation with my husband, sans our two children, to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. We had been looking forward to it for months. This vacation was extra special because I was 12 1/2 weeks pregnant...so this would be the last feasible vacation alone together for awhile.

I remember roaming around Old Town Puerto Vallarta with my little belly pushing out a gauzy white shirt I was wearing and thinking, "I am SO happy". It was the first pregnancy I had actually planned, executed and was excited about (our other two are miracle children who showed up when they darn well pleased - there was no real planning).

On the 4th day of our vacation at 12:10 PM I started bleeding. A lot. My husband was elsewhere in the hotel at the time - I was alone in our room. I started hypervenilating...then abruptly stopped because I decided THAT was not how I was going to deal with this crisis. I remember holding onto the doorframe of our bathroom, tears falling down my cheeks and pleading out loud with all of my might to Heavenly Father to PLEASE save my baby. Please.

I laid down on the bed, propped up my feet and continued to plead that my baby would be saved. And I heard a very quiet, still voice in my head say, "You are asking for the wrong thing". "NO. NO!" I fought that feeling for a few minutes, then relaxed my body...thought...cried...and said out loud "Alright, I understand that I am going to lose this baby and this is what is meant to be. But I need you to help me cope with this". This was my first lesson that day. Sometimes...sometimes we ask for the wrong thing and are blessed with the strength to deal with what will actually happen.

My husband returned to find me sobbing in the bed. He gave me a blessing, we went quickly to the clinic inside the hotel and 10 minutes later I was strapped to a stretcher inside a Mexican ambulance. I remember thinking "Well, this is quite the exclamation point to an already strange situation. Who'd have thunk I'd be in an ambulance in Mexico?!"

One hour and two ultrasounds later, 3 doctors and a nurse in a small dark room stared at the screen looking at my dead baby. No one was saying anything. I tearfully asked "Is there a heartbeat?" "No senora, no". I sobbed like I had never sobbed in my life. For 10 minutes I was in pieces. I remember my husband covering me in a hug, holding my face. "I don't know how to do this" I cried. "Yes you do, hon" he replied. I remember thinking that this moment was the saddest moment of my whole life.

And then...I sat up, wiped my tears and accepted it. My second lesson of the day? I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for.

I had a D&C later that night. None of the doctors really spoke English but they were kind and empathetic in a way that doesn't need words. I remember laying my hand over my belly protectively as I got up on the operating table...then removing it quickly - there was nothing to protect anymore.

When I woke up from surgery, I was speaking near fluent Spanish. My husband was quite amused that I was rattling off phone numbers for him to call in Spanish. Please note that I do NOT speak Spanish, just the stuff I have gleaned from Sesame Street and Dora. Lesson number three that day? If you go through something traumatic in another country you become temporarily fluent in that language. Seriously - it really happened.


We left the next morning and returned to our 5 star resort. I took a glorious shower, ordered an enormous room service cheeseburger and fries, drugged myself with painkillers and slept for hours in a fluffy white bed. Lesson 4? If you're going to have a miscarriage, it's pretty nice to come back to room service and a gorgeous hotel.

I miss that little tiny baby. I miss being happy about being pregnant. We were so excited, so happy to add a third child to our family. But you know what? Heavenly Father really DID answer my prayer. He blessed me that I would be able to cope with this loss, that I would find lessons in my experience, that I would be stronger for it. I am a better, stronger, more empathetic woman because I went through this. I rediscovered my own inner strength. I rediscovered faith. I fell in love with my husband all over again. The commitment I have to my marriage and my family is stronger than before. Life is precious - it can end quickly. Tragedy can strike at any time. I love my husband, my sweet and crazy children, my life. And THIS experience in Mexico made me remember ALL of that all over again.

Lesson number five? Be grateful for everything that you have and hold dear...and be willing to learn from the tragedies.