Is it ok to want to go back?

On Sundays, I don’t let my kids watch television. They are only allowed to watch the made-by-the-church videos (Joy to the World, Restoration etc.), or home videos.

Since Poopy is turning two in a few months, the last two Sundays we have been watching the videos of when Pukey was 2, just to see the similarities and differences between them, and what we have to look forward to (or not).

So, last week I found a group of videos that were of Pukey (my firstborn) at about 18 months to 2 years. I watched those videos and even though I don’t look very different 3 years later, I didn’t recognize myself. I feel like a completely different person now. I feel older, more experienced, more tired, slightly more mature. I feel challenged, extended, like I have been through the ringer.

This week we found the videos of Pukey when she was two to almost three years old. There was one video in particular of the two of us just being us. We were cuddling, singing, teasing, kissing, and you could just see our relationship so clearly. It was totally beautiful. I did recognize those feelings and they are still very real and very raw.

Then I realized that time has made those moments fewer and far between. One might blame it on the fact that she will be 5 in just a few weeks. However, in watching and reflecting, I blame it completely on the birth of my second child. Disclaimer: I love my second child. It’s just, that having Poopy complicated everything. She took away my attention from Pukey. She is demanding and energetic and bright and vivacious, and a lot of work.

When I sat down to watch Pukey at 2, when it was just a family of three, I expected to have these feelings:

“Oh, our family just doesn’t seem complete without Poopy.”

Instead I felt: “Man, I wish we could go back to just the three of us.”

This was unexpected. And of course, what follows is the guilt. Does anyone relate?