Stories from my life with Simon

I am the mother of a precocious 3 1/2 year old boy named Simon (also a 2 year old girl, but luckily she doesn't talk quite as much right now). At the urging of my good Tales friend, Carrie, here are a few of our latest stories:

We were watching Conference on Sunday as a family and Motab came on. Simon pointed at the screen of sisters singing and said, "Hey! That lady looks like my grandma!" She sort of looked like my husbands mom so we said, "Yes, she does". He then stood up and pointed at the screen again and said, "Look, the whole choir is grandmas! The grandmas are all singing!".
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Simon wanted to know why his toothpaste spit goes down the drain after it leaves his mouth. I explained that the force of gravity pulls things down - what is up will fall down. I figured he wouldn't pursue it any further but instead he walked around all day talking about "the FORCE of gravity PULLS things DOWN" - he would say this to anyone that would listen. We got a little sick of hearing about gravity so we told him to talk to his preschool teacher about it the next morning.

As SOON as he walked in the door to preschool, he threw his backpack in his cubby, raced over to his teacher and exclaimed, "Miss Sandy, I need to talk about gravity. And the TRUTH." The truth? She looked at me and I just said, "Good luck. See you at noon".
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My husband told Simon that all boys have pee-pees and that boys are lucky because they get to pee in the grass.

Today while we were sitting and talking quietly, this is how my conversation with Simon went.

Simon: Mom, do girls have pee-pees?

Me: No, just boys (I didn't even want to get into what girls have - the kid is too much of a sponge)

Simon: How come only boys have pee-pees?

Me: Because that's how Heavenly Father made them. Boys have pee-pees...and girls have something else.

Simon: (LONG PAUSE) Mom...maybe if Sophie (his sister) is a good girl she can have a pee-pee too. And a belly button.
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And finally:

How to give a teddy bear a haircut, according to Simon and Sophie:

1. Make sure mom isn't around. You don't have much time - hurry.

2. Put the bear on a chair, dig around in all of moms kitchen drawers to find scissors, hand lotion, brown markers and tape.

3. Cut as MUCH of the brown fuzz off the bear as you can.

4. Smear hand lotion all over the parts of the bear you cut. Heck, smear it all over the kitchen - don't leave any space uncovered.

5. Draw all over the white kitchen cabinets with brown markers while smearing some more hand lotion on the cabinets

6. Look like small deer in headlights when confronted by mom...who is NOT happy.