My Very Own Mama Solis

A friend recently suggested that I blog about life in a multiracial marriage. "Don't you guys have lots of cultural issues to deal with?" she asked.

DH grew up in Boyle Heights, the heart of gang-infested East LA. His parents came to the United States as undocumented workers in the 1970's. His father worked the fields as a day laborer before landing a job as a garbage collector. His mother worked in a hot, grimy sweatshop in the garment district of Los Angeles. My DH didn't learn English until he went to public school and still speaks only Spanish with his family. Eight kids in his middle school were killed in gang related violence during his 8th grade year.

I grew up in a tree-infested Portland neighborhood. My dad worked in finance and my mom was trained as an elementary school teacher and made sure all of her kids were reading before they entered kindergarten. The only Spanish I ever heard as a young child was when I tuned into Sesame Street with my bowl of Cheerios on lazy, preschool mornings. When I was twelve, my rabbit died while we were vacationing in Hawaii.

We practically had identical childhoods.

Really, we have little cultural (but occasional other forms of) conflict in our marriage. This is probably because DH left East LA at the age of 14 to accept a scholarship at an elite East Coast boarding school. He quickly lost his Spanish accent, began watching Seinfeld episodes and shopping at LL Bean, all in an effort to survive the snobbery of the masses of wealthy white kids at his school. He pretty much "gets" white people.

The greatest source of cultural-related conflict in my life does, however, stem from my marriage. That would be my mother-in-law. A woman, according to Mexican culture, I should revere, but in reality, I just don't.

Here are some of the issues I've faced with my very own Mama Solis*:

*For those unfamiliar with the show Desperate Housewives, Mama Solis is the overbearing and often sinister mother-in-law of Gabrielle, one of the show's main characters.

-Lack of acceptance. I was not who she had in mind for a daughter-in-law and she let me know it. She had some strong preconceived ideas of white women. She considered them to be lazy, poor housekeepers and cooks, money-hungry, selfish and sloppy dressers. I only fit some of those categories.

-Lack of boundaries. A daily struggle for both DH and I are her multiple daily "que haces?" calls (aka I want to know what you're doing but I have no particular purpose to call, I'm just bored...). Mama Solis' lack of boundaries can be entertaining. For example, on her last visit to our DC area home, I came home from work to find her oversized granny undies and bras hanging from the branches of my trees in our fairly public backyard.

And then there was the honeymoon incident. Mama Solis and one of DH's aunties showed up to the B&B where DH and I were staying, early in the morning after our wedding night. Mortified, we quickly changed clothes and let them in. Then Mama Solis and the auntie proceeded to take pictures of each other resting on our still unmade bed. The same bed that we had just, you know, for the very first time a few hours earlier. It was one of those, "Is this really happening?" moments. Our worst fears were confirmed when we saw those pictures displayed in a photo album the next Christmas.

-Unsolicited advice. I realize that this is a universal source of conflict between daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law. However, Mama Solis has an especially tactless in-your-face how-could-you-be-so-stupid approach for dispensing this advice. An approach that makes me wonder every day why my DH isn't in therapy and then wonder if maybe he should be.

-Unclear expectations. With the language barrier and my general cluelessness of hispanic cultural nuances, I never know what exactly I am supposed to be doing to stay in her good graces. When she tells me to go rest after a meal does she really want me to do that or does she really want me to do the dishes? I tend to error on the side of working (to avoid being labeled "lazy") in these cases.

Now before you start to wonder why I married into this family, I have to say that things have improved drastically from our first visit, when she would barely speak or look at me. In fact, during our last recent visit to Los Angeles, I kept teasing DH that his mom and I were "best friends."

"My worst nightmare," he replied.

Here are some of the things I have learned to appreciate about Mama Solis and my crazy Mexican in-laws in our five years together:

-Unlimited babysitting. When we are visiting, Mama Solis and DH's aunties are really great about taking the kids off our hands. They even get up with them in the middle of the night....Heaven!

-Being skinny is bad. If I have dropped any amount of weight since our last visit, I am declared "too skinny." Trust me, I've never been too skinny. My feminist self hates the rest of me for enjoying this.

-Unlimited quantities of mexican food. To combat my "skin and bones", I am fed large vats of fresh, homemade Mexican food every day. Food I don't have to make myself, but I do have to eat.....Also Heaven, until I have to return home and work it all off at the gym.

-Loads of affection. Mama Solis likes to hold my hand when we are talking or walking somewhere. At first this weirded me out, but I like the closeness and the physical affection DH's family shows. I barely ever remember hugging my own parents when I was growing up.

In the words of the real Mama Solis, "Families should always hug, no matter how they really feel about each other."

-Visiting their home in East LA. Mama Solis' neighborhood is really unique, full of color and character, and safer than it used to be (unless it is New Years Eve or Oscar de la Hoya is fighting on TV or the Mexican national soccer team is playing an important game, and then there will be lots of people shooting guns out on the streets.) I have to say that, even after living in Queens, it feels really strange to be the only white person....ever....out in the neighborhood. I am never as aware of race as I am during these visits.

Recently, I was asked for advice on how to deal with a mother-in-law similar to my own. My friend was marrying into a fierce and proud Italian family. Here was my advice to her, although I admitted that my relationship with Mama Solis is very much a work in progress.

-Have children. Ok, this is a really horrible reason to have kids, but my babies deflected attention away from me and improved Mama Solis' mood considerably.

-Learn her language. I already knew Spanish, but it was pretty rough and ugly from lack of use. I have been working to improve my skills...not just for her...but for myself. And I speak to her, even if I know I am going to mangle a sentence. I've learned its better to just try and communicate.

-Find common ground. For Mama Solis and I, it's in the kitchen. Each visit, I try and learn a new dish even though I usually don't remember how to cook it once I'm home. I think she feels like I value her talents, and I genuinely do enjoy working with her and DH's aunties in the kitchen.

-Don't take it personally. I've gotten to the point where unless I am over-tired and stressed, I just let her words bounce off me. I can usually attribute Mama Solis' criticism to the following: her own tiredness, lack of self-esteem, and boredom in her life.

-Be strong. Mama Solis has backed down considerably since she realizes I no longer care to please her. When DH and I were first married, I would do whatever she wanted to avoid conflict. I soon realized that she enjoyed the control she had over me and it wasn't going to stop unless I stood up to her. There wasn't any particularly ugly incident, but rather I gradually and consistently (and hopefully respectfully) let her know that she was not always going to get her way.

As you can see, I've figured out all the sanity-saving tricks in dealing with a crazy mother-in-law....NOT!!! Any further advice from YOU on how to get along with mothers-in-law is appreciated, both for my friend as well as myself.