17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.
 

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Tackling the mommy guilt

The other day I was playing with my little guy as usual. We read some stories, played with toys and he kicked around and turned over a few times (his new favorite pastime!). Then I took him in my bedroom to change his diaper. While in my room I was changing my shirt (from an earlier spit-up catastrophe) and I suddenly felt inspired to clean. I started digging through my drawers and organizing clothes into piles --- things to keep and things to donate. My little man was just kicking away on the floor, intrigued by his mom and the huge pile of clothes being flung about. About 45 minutes later (time flies when you’re cleaning!) I felt this huge surge of guilt come about me. For the past 45 minutes I had been doing what I wanted to do. I looked down at my DS and he was starting to get fussy (ready for a nap) and I just felt guilty, guilty, guilty! I was thinking that if DS were able to express himself he would say “Hey mom, what about me?” I know that’s my own speculation (and guilt talking), but I felt this pull inside me that I should’ve been playing with him instead of cleaning.

My question to you is, when you’re a SAHM how do you balance your time to do things that you need (or want) to do for yourself, and spending time with your kids? Do you only do things for yourself when your kids are napping? I mean, it’s hard enough to just get a shower and maybe exercise during my son’s naps. What about cleaning, emailing, phone calls, scripture study, planning lessons & activities for church callings, making dinner, etc.?! And I have a DH who works CRAZY hours so unfortunately I don't always have access to an extra pair of helping hands to get stuff done. How do you deal with feelings of guilt when you do something for yourself while your kids are awake? Now maybe this is the kind of issue that changes as your kids get older and become more independent. And I'm sure there are no perfect answers to this question and of course spending time with my son is my priority. But whatever the situation, help this new mom deal with SAHM time management and the first signs of mommy guilt. What are your secrets to dealing with this stuff? Any tips for this newbie mommy?

posted by Beth @ 8/13/2006 02:49:00 PM   add to kirtsy


8 Comments:

  • Your little guy will be FINE. It doesn't kill a child to realize that a mom can't be with him 24/7. And get your cleaning done before he CAN talk and say, "Hey, what about ME!". I don't know how old your kid is, but if he is happy on the floor, leave him there.

    As for the balancing act, I still don't have a clue, and my kid is 4. Good luck figuring it out, and when you have a plan, lemme know, because I'd love to be in on it!
    posted by Blogger Heather O. at 8/13/2006 05:01:00 PM  



  • I actually think you are doing your child a disservice if all you do is play with him. You answered your own questio when you said he was watching you and the clothes pile up. Believe it or not, that was probably more stimulating for him then those books you just read him. And the next time you have to do that, if you talk to him about what you are doing and why you are doing it, he'll be so happy.

    When I had my firs, at around 5 or 6 months old I started giving her alone time. I put out blanket, stuck her in the boppy, provided some toys, music or a video and checked my email or showered or whatever I wanted to do. No guilt. Try it, you'll like it.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 8/13/2006 08:08:00 PM  



  • I am a very guilt ridden person as well! But what you are talking about is just neccesity activities! I mean, you HAVE to do certain things throughout the day to maintain some semblance of normalcy for your own well being right? You NEED to do those things and your child(children) will grow up with a balanced life. I think the scales should not tip too far towards doing nothing but being the "1 woman show circus act", which too many times I have felt like.

    It's healthy to have time for yourself, not only for leisure, but just because it's what you gotta do to get things done sometimes.
    posted by Blogger Rachel H at 8/13/2006 09:04:00 PM  



  • I've struggled with this as well, although not as much as when my little girl was a tiny baby. But I have found that in letting her play on her own, she has learned to entertain herself and developed her imagination. Now sometimes when I try to play with her, it's very obvious that she is playing something specific and I just don't know what it is (she's 20 mo.)although she still lets me play. ;o) She also makes it very obvious when she's done playing on her own and needs some mommy time. And sometimes I just enjoy watching her play on her own and wondering how my little, tiny baby is growing up so fast.
    Plus, now I can focus my guilt energy on all the other things that I do such a bad job at! ;o)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/14/2006 07:40:00 AM  



  • Beth - I am totally with you on the guilt thing. We had some friends over for dinner on Friday and my husband didn't get home until they were supposed to be here so I stuck my son in his excersaucer. He played while I franticly cooked, but when I would look at him, I would feel guilty.
    I appreciate everyone's suggestions and reassurance.

    One reason I have thought not to get used to playing together 24/7 is because when it's time for #2 to come along, I don't want to deal with feeling guilty for leaving #1 alone and I don't want #1 to resent #2 because mom has suddenly stopped spending every waking minute with him and is now focusing a lot on a baby. That scares me.

    Maybe if our sons could talk they would be saying "chill out mom - go fold your clothes and cook some dinner, I'm cool kickin' it over here with my toys." Maybe?
    posted by Blogger Melissa at 8/14/2006 08:41:00 AM  



  • Melissa - I totally think that's what our little guys are telling us (at least some of the time).

    Thanks for the comments and reassurance. I DEFINITELY agree that I want my son to be independent and to be able to play on his own. I also think it's not a good idea to entertain your kid 24/7 (or you could have issues like Melinda's sister!) Knowing that other moms aren't so great at handling the "balancing act" definitely helps me to not feel so alone.

    I think it's hard sometimes when you only have one kid, because part of you thinks, "well... what else am I gonna do but play with him?" I mean, it is just you & him hangin' out. I'm learning how to tell the difference between the bad guilt (that you should try to ignore) and that little feeling that says, "put down the laundry, or turn the computer off, and play with your little guy. Somehow everything will get done. And who cares if it doesn't".

    Kage - you get more done than just about anyone I know. Do you have any secrets that you need to share with us?
    posted by Blogger Beth at 8/14/2006 09:09:00 AM  



  • Kage somehow has a 37 hour day while the rest of us get 24...
    posted by Blogger Melissa at 8/14/2006 10:14:00 AM  



  • Motherhood invented guilt. All kinds, too. And it WILL NEVER GO AWAY. EVER.

    That's why we just do the best that we can. I concur with all the comments that have already been said, so there's not much else to say... :)
    posted by Blogger Cheryl at 8/15/2006 07:18:00 AM  



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