I miss you mom...

It 15 years ago yesterday that I lost my mother to that dreadful thing called cancer. She was 42. I was 16. Not a day has gone by where I don't think of her and miss her terribly. All day yesterday I thought about things in a different way than I had before. Now that I have kids, I wonder about how It must have been for her knowing she was dying, and leaving me here virtually alone and at such a raw age. I do happen to know that one of her dying statements was how sad she was because she was not going to live to see me be Miss Universe. I didn't go on to acheive that, as much as I would have liked to, but I have acheived much and I have done most all of it for her. I promised her that I would do all that she wanted me to do as I lay curled up next to her holding her hand minutes after she had gone. When I met my DH I thought only about what would my mom think of him? I am confident she would have loved him. At my wedding I knew she was there in the temple. She helped me get ready. But I still selfishly wanted to see her in her dress she would have worn. When my babies were born, especially my DD, I cried and cried that first night not because I was a new mom and your hormones are out of whack, but I wanted her there, to hold her too. I thought about what my mom must have felt when she had me. And that first mothers day after DD was born was the hardest one to date. I knew finally what that day meant to mothers. I was haunted with the thoughts of had I done enough to make my mom feel special when she was here? Of course not. I was 16. I was just getting out of the "you are my enemy stage", I didn't get the chance to love her like I would if I had her here now. Now that I am a mother, I know what she must have felt as she was saying goodbye to me. She must have been terrified. Unsure that the guidance she had offered would see me through the toughest years of life ahead of me. She had to have wondered if I would remember her in all her glory. Sometimes it's hard to dig up those memories. She had been sick for so long. She surely sobbed when she thought about leaving me. I would! I would feel all those things if I knew I was leaving this earth tomorrow. I certainly would find it hard to have the presence of mind to remeber that it is all part of the plan. Babies shouldn't be without their mother. No one should. I pray that none of us will ever have to deal with this, but what can we do ladies to let our children know that they are loved. That if we were to leave that they would be okay? Just thinking about these things, has made me hold them tighter the last couple days. Don't live a single day where you would experience regret.

I really appreciate this forum and feeling comfortable enough to share these intimate thoughts. My journal is the only place where I have shared such feelings. I tend to not open up... thank you for listening. As we approach Mothers Day. Think of something special to do for your mothers. For me.