Tales From the Crib: Speaking Girl to Girl: Mormon Honeymoon Advice

Friday, April 21, 2006

Speaking Girl to Girl: Mormon Honeymoon Advice

I know I posted recently and there are a couple contributors who have some excellent posts ready to go, but I had to jump in because you all did such a good job helping Kage's sister and more importantly, time is running out for discussion on this topic. At least for my niece. She gets married on Monday.

I was with her today finishing up some last minute wedding dress preparations and as we discussed some of the post-temple details of being married, she turned to me a said "Why don't people tell you these things?"

It got me thinking about the last few days before I got married (ten years ago this summer). The only prep I got was from my mother and it came in the form of this short and pretty unhelpful statement:

"Sometimes sex can be spiritual, but most of the time it's just fun."

Thanks mom. TMI. At least from you. I wish I had girlfriends back then who had experience being a mormon virgin who just recently started wearing crazy underwear who wants to somehow have a great sexual exeperience on her honeymoon or at least not an uncomfortable or embarrassing one. Not that mine was uncomfortable or embarassing (You were great honey! Unforgettable! Really! ;) ), but a little more sage advice could have helped enter into the situation with a little more confidence. And that would have been really nice. So, I am calling on all my Tales girls and our fabulous readers to pull out their best, most frank honeymoon advice. Girl to Girl, Sister to Sister.

Here are a few of my favorite pieces of advice:

1. Ditch the garments during a majority of the honeymoon. I mean, you need to do what feels right for you, but I, for one, did not feel the least bit sexy in my garments and cloistering myself in the bathroom to change into lingerie seemed to kill the passion of the moment(s). You can just look at it as 24hr foreplay.

2. You don't have to attend church during your honeymoon. Believe me you have more important Sacraments to partake in at your hotel room. And besides, people will make fun of you if you show up at church the day after your wedding. Or at least I will.

3. To try to avoid any lightning bolts that might come from my first two pieces of advice, my #3 has nothing to with covenants. Many girls get UTI's on their honeymoons. To try to avoid that problem, try to pee before and after sex. No doubt, this can be a passionate moment killer. Who wants to hear "hold on, I need to go pee-pee in the potty". Not the pillowtalk he was hoping for. So, pack a small bottle of cranberry capsules to nip the problem in the bud.

Now take it away girls, there is just too much for one person to cover.

69 Comments:

My mom's advice: What goes in, must come out. Not the most helpful of advice. She was referring to liquids. I don't know what I was hoping for, but something a little more substantial then that.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 05:26:00 AM
My advice to all young girls is to take your honeymoon a few months into the marriage. I remember one night a few months into my marriage exclaiming: "Now THAT'S how it's done" It takes a while to get to know each other and the whole process and what works and what doesn't, and I know for me I would have enjoyed my honeymoon much more if I had worked out all the mechanics first. I also got a UTI the second day of my honeymoon which was horrifyingly painful and such a hassle to get treated. DH of course was totally understanding, but it put quite a damper on "things". At least we had the Boston Red Sox to cheer HIM up.

Also, I would hook up with a non-mormon/virgin friend who is around your age to give you the real lowdown. My roommate in college had more experience than me and she was so worried about me...she gave me a few tutorials which included going to a Chicago sex shop and looked around at a few items.

As for the underwear. Go with your comfort level. I remember at my bridal shower of mormon women I opened a piece of lingerie and one of the middle-aged ladies said, "That's not going to look right with garments" I am pretty sure she was serious. No "brethren" have ever discussed this, but again I think it's what you are comfortable with from the wearing of lingerie to the types of sexual activities you engage in. If you have any misgivings, you want to be open about it with your partner.

Another regret I have was the absence of lubrication the first time...that would have helped.

And remember if your DH is also a virgin...it might be a quick first time.

For when the "honeymoon" is over... if you are not that into it...have it anyway, because it will get better, and it is important to be close to your DH. Your sex life can ebb and flow just like anything else...especially when the kids come and the jobs get stressful.

Also, don't say NO, it's bad on a husband's ego. Make it a priority..just HAVE IT...even if it is in the middle of something...make it a priority. And remember having sex burns calories, and planning it does not necessarily mean you are not "spontaneous" anymore. For me, if I know I am going to have an appointment, I look forward to it all day and it can make my day much better than it might have been otherwise.
posted by Kage at 4/21/2006 05:48:00 AM
It seems odd to me that a couple who have just made the most sacred covenants that they can make, would dump the symbols of their covenants and ditch church at the start of their marriage. Sure, my garments aren't sexy in a Victoria's Secret kind of way, but they remind me of our purity, our commitment to each other and nobody else. I probably wouldn't go to church in my own ward, but for me, it would be strange to begin my marriage where our spiritual values are a big part of the glue, by skipping renewing my baptismal covenants.

I don't know that I would hand this out as "advice", I'm not really interested in judging someone for their honeymoon choices -- this is just my personal take on it.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 05:48:00 AM
For the physical aspects (aka things I wish someone had said to me...):
1.Keep a box of Kleenex nearby for after (what comes in must come out, etc)
2. Second the cranberry capsules... Take one with every meal and every time you "do" something.
3. Plan to get out and do something romantic that doesn't involve intercourse for the 2nd day after your wedding (go sightseeing, to a show, hiking, etc). Sex will be soo much more comfortable the 3rd day out if you take a day off. Sometimes there can be "too much of a good thing"

The spiritual...
1. Ditch the garments in the hotel room or bedroom. You have your whole life to wear them; I'm sure HF will understand your need to get your bonding experiences with your new spouse off on the right foot. (Personally, I'm also a huge believer of sleeping naked with Husband... my interpretation of night in the night and day is you better not be ditching them for a coctail dress. But, its up to you.)
2. At least don't feel guilty if you don't make it to church.
3. Say your nightly prayer when you get to your hotel room (as long as you aren't ripping things off already). That way you start a habit but you don't have to pull yourself away from cuddling to do so.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 06:37:00 AM
I second the advice on the lubrication. Every day but especially around day 3.

The whole what goes in must come out--I used towels for the first few days, but it's SO much easier to just take a quick trip to the bathroom before it makes a big mess (always on your side by the way). It'll also help with the UTI issue (my sister was SO sick on her honeymoon--not very fun.) Maybe take your OB/GYN's number with you just in case.

I took the "marriage-prep" class at BYU. Cheesy, but it actually had some good info. If we were actually engaged, he encouraged us to read "The Act of Marriage" by LaHaye--it gets down to the nitty gritty (without being nasty about it), mechanics, as well as the emotional and spiritual side. It's especially good for the guys to read, we girls can be a little tricky. I know I will recommend my kiddos read it before they get married.

Oh, and don't forget to eat! We were starving around 3am and ended up making a run to an all night place to eat.
posted by wendysue at 4/21/2006 07:14:00 AM
Anyway, one of my sisters sat me down for a little talk before I got married. She was candid and honest and I really appreciated it. DH's dad, just before we left on our wedding night, pulled him aside and said, "Son, 2 things I wish I had on my wedding night: a container of petrolium jelly and a sense of humor." Yikes, thanks!

My advice: Lubrication is key. My SIL sneekily handed DH and I a little bag on our way to the decorated car that contined a tube of KY, and a few choice "extras" just for fun.

Also, no one mentioned the whole what goes in must come out, so that was a surprise. Keep some TP or tissue nearby.

We spent a lot of time out of garments during our honeymoon - though of course wore them when we left the hotel. It didn't feel inappropriate at all. We were learning about each other, getting comfortable and having fun. Isn't that what marriage is about?

The best wedding gift we got was from one of my highschool friends. She called the hotel where we stayed on our wedding night ahead of us arriving and ordered a tray of fruit, cheese, crackers and sparkling cider to be waiting for us when we arrived. Such a great idea!
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 07:37:00 AM
You know, on your honeymoon you don't need any lingerie. Your new husband is going to be thrilled to see your bare skin.

I really don't see the need to leave your garments in the hotel. Just being together will be exciting, and you can wear your garments around town without taking away from that.

Attend church if you want to, you can't have sex constantly, it would be a nice break. Go to a different ward if you are concerned about people making fun. You will just be a visiting married couple somewhere else.

And remember that the honeymoonis for getting to know each other, and if the sex is not perfect(which is most likely) remember you have your life together to work on it, you are learning together.

I would say that a honeymoon is for getting to know each other, not for being tourists

My husband and I talk about our honeymoon sometimes and remember how great it was to be together and not have to go home to seperate beds. And for him the sex was great, after waiting all those years. The sex wasn't "great" for me but it was ok/good. It was the start of our relationship that has gotten better and better over the years.

I for one am certainly happy that the sex gets better! And it does! (Husband agrees with this!)
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 07:46:00 AM
Kage is right. Find a friend to tell you what's the deal.

Because I was really embarrassed to talk to Sarah, but luckily, she had her older sister.

Lubrication. in a word.

Also, if you have pain at first, don't wait to act on it. I know of a young couple who've been married a year and she's just barely getting help. Their marriage has suffered.

See a doctor.

And don't sweat the negligee. There's nothing sinful about taking off your garments for sex and putting on something pretty. Anonymous, your opinion is just silly. I've been married 25 years and we're temple recommend holders and I still take off my garments and put on a red nightie once in awhile. I don't think God is going to send us to outer darkness over it.

I saw a former Mormon woman on Donahue talking about crap like that. Her ignorance eventually led to her rejecting Mormonism because she was an idiot and didn't know there was a middle ground. Plus she made us look like idiots who left our garments on for sex.

Oh, you perturbed me.

Then again, I'm too shy to talk to my daughters about sex.
posted by annegb at 4/21/2006 07:50:00 AM
I would also recommend LaHayes "The Act of Marriage" It was the best thing for us to read before (and after) our wedding. It gave us much help because as windysue said girls can be tricky sometimes.

Also listen to all the advice offered and then follow what is right for you!

My Husband and I spent the first couple of nights in our new apartment. The first night we got up at 3am and made a cake. It was fun and is a great memory! Being in our new home our first couple of days/nights together was really nice.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 07:58:00 AM
My advice is as follows:
Spend the money for a more expensive hotel with thick walls. My husband and I were painfully aware that we were not the only ones getting on.

And speaking of pain, use lubrication. Use way way way more than you think you need.

And as one who did go to church the day after I got married, I think it's a nice way to start off. Also when the bishop asked how long we'd been married and we answered "since yesterday" he got really excited and opened the door to tell one of his counsellors "Hey, these kids got married yesterday! Wow! Yesterday! What are you doing here?"
posted by Starfoxy at 4/21/2006 08:20:00 AM
My advice for virgin brides: make sure there are towels because there will be blood.
posted by Kim Siever at 4/21/2006 08:27:00 AM
Lubrication is a must! And don't be stingy with it either. I would have died, literally died, that first time without it!

Another thing I would suggest is baby wipes instead of toilette paper or tissue. It just cleans everything up a lot better.

Also a way not to kill the mood running to the bathroom afterwards, but still not making a mess--Use a thin panty liner in a sexier pair of underwear. That way there isn't as big of a mess. And you can still cuddle afterwards.

If your still in pain everytime after a week, or two GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR! I didn't talk to my doctor about it until after I had my first child and was still in pain. Something about I didn't heal right . . . anyways they fixed it. I had never enjoyed sex and wish I would have gone to see my doctor during that first year, or better yet first month!

Shaving/waxing is a personal decision, whatever your comfortable with. But if you do decide to go bare, do it a couple times before the big night. I waited until the day of and was still tender by my wedding night.

Don't sweat it if the first time isn't perfect. It won't be. Just have fun!
posted by Trivial Mom at 4/21/2006 08:27:00 AM
Lubrication is key. KY is a good starting point, but going one step further with a flavored lubricant is more fun!

My other piece of advice is just to go for it. Don't be nervous about any insecurities you may have about your body. Your husband will love every inch of you.
posted by Ryann at 4/21/2006 08:39:00 AM
Kim - that's not necessarily true. I had a wonderful first sexual experience. No blood, no pain, no UTI's, no extra lubrication needed. I even had an orgasm!

Sex your first time may not be ideal, but it's certainly not something to be afraid of. Especially since the commenters here are LDS, and I'm assuming will be in committed loving relationships for their first time.

For those of you who are disappointed with your first time experiences, it does get better. Just don't be embarrassed to talk about it.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 08:46:00 AM
Annegb -- Sorry if my comments perturbed you, but since many of your comments are perplexing to me, let's consider ourselves even.

I'm certainly not an advocate of leaving your garments on during sex, or even being in a mad rush to put them on afterwards. My apologies if it seems silly to be an advocate of remembering the sacred ceremonies that proceed a marriage.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 08:54:00 AM
FWIW, I would go to sacrament meeting. Its sweet and enjoyable, and establishes that your relationship is built on more than one footing.

-Adam Greenwood
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 09:03:00 AM
Also, I will point out that lingerie on the honeymoon is pretty superfluous for most Mormon men that I've known.

-Adam Greenwood
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 09:05:00 AM
I wish I had known that sex, far more than anything, is what keeps a man invested in a marriage. Yes, the sex will ebb and flow, but if it ebbs more frequently than it flows, marital accord suffers.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 09:23:00 AM
My usually outgoing and frisky (yet virginal) husband froze on our wedding night. I don't think we would have had sex if I hadn't taken charge. At first I felt rejected that he wasn't being more aggressive towards sealing the deal, but after I took charge and the deed was done, he admitted he was afraid of hurting me. Aww...such a sweetie.

Also, taking charge in the bedroom on our wedding night was VERY empowering to Molly Mo me.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 10:18:00 AM
Thanks for all the advice so far. Gathering information is key. I realize my original statements are bold, but realize they were made knowing my original audience-my niece. I don't think it is necessarily the right advice for everyone. Thank you to everyone who stated their dissent. Hearing so many differing opinions will be quite helpful to any new mormon bride so she can make more informed decisions.

Just for the record anon, I am also an advocate of remembering the sacred ceremonies that proceed a marriage and I bet annegb is too. We just disagree on timing when it comes to the honeymoon--you can't "remember" all the time.

I really think, like many have said, your dh will probably care less what you're wearing the first time. Whatever you need to wear to feel confident and comfortable with yourself and your body, is what you should go for.

If garments work for you--awesome! If you like lacy lingerie--sweet! If a tank top and panties make you feel the most sexy--go for it!! If just being naked is what you like--take it all off.

and Wendy--you go girl! I love it!
posted by This is Carrie at 4/21/2006 10:35:00 AM
#1) I recommend "And They Were Not Ashamed" by Laura M. Brotherson as well as "The Act of Marriage." (Though "Act" really needs to an update... I had the most recent version but got really distracted by the talk about being understanding of my husband's pressures and concerns because I, the (presumed) quiet little housewife, didn't have any. *rolls eyes*)

#2) LET HIS EGO TAKE IT IN THE TEETH IF YOU HAVE TO. Of course try to communicate with him if you're having problems but DON'T BE AFRAID TO SAY NO. He WILL live and your marriage will be much better off without you nobly sacrificing yourself to this special pair-bonding experience and building up pain and resentment. Trust me, he will not like the day he discovers that your "passionate moans" were really tears of rage and frustration. TALK THINGS OUT. TELL HIM what you like and don't like. Even the sweetest, most considerate man is not telepathic and needs input. :) If you need something, whether it's something not quite mentionable here or even just a nice backrub with scented oil be bold and unsubtle about it. It takes a while for guys to pick up on hints. :)

#3) Games. Games are good. They can be fun and relaxing. There are some fun ones that you can find that aren't too "out there." "Strip Chocolate" is one. It's a combination of "Truth and Dare," "Strip anything" and you get to paint each other with chocolate. :)

#4) Strategic application of pillows to adjust angles. "The Liberator" is good but a bit expensive.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 11:05:00 AM
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posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 11:08:00 AM
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posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 11:10:00 AM
anonymous, that's not necessarily true. I have many more reasons (some of them much more important) than sex to keep me in my marriage. If I were ever to leave my marriage, I guarantee it would have nothing to do with the frequency of sex my wife and I have. after all, the frequency has reduced since we were first married, and I am more committed to the marriage now than I have ever been.
posted by Kim Siever at 4/21/2006 11:21:00 AM
Thanks Carrie and others for letting me know my place -- as I said in my first comment, I wouldn't hand out my views as advice, but just offering a different point of view.

I will now leave you and your blog alone.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 11:31:00 AM
Anon,

I am really sorry you feel like you were treated badly here. It was not my intention. I was being honest when I said I really appreciate people voicing their dissenting opinions. I even said that my advice was probably not right for some people because I realize people are different. You are definitely not alone in your feelings.
posted by This is Carrie at 4/21/2006 11:44:00 AM
The comment about lingerie being superfluous for most Mormon men (or most any man, according to my DH) gets a big fat eye roll from me! It's not always about you! ;-)

Women's libidos work a little differently from yours most of the time. Whereas most men are good to go at the drop of a hat, it takes us a while! Maybe it's just me, but putting on some lingerie helps me feel more sexy and sexual and that, in turn, makes things more fun for everyone involved.

*Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.*

My advice for the newbies: Lubrication(!!!), take it slowly, and don't feel like you have to go all the way the very first time (unless you're ready to, of course!). Most people don't have to go from super chaste kisses to bumping uglies in one fell swoop, lol; take the scenic route if that'll help you feel more comfortable.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 01:46:00 PM
My first time was very painful, and there was a good amount of blood. So this is possible, and it can make subsequent tries pretty uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with you if this happens, but your husband will have to be a little more patient with having wild honeymoon sex.

You will heal, and it will (really) get better. But by all means, do NOT just grit your teeth and hurt for the sake of his pleasure- this is about both of you, and if you are wonded, and pretending pleasure, it's not a good foundation, and he will feel like a cad when he realizes it. COMMUNICATE!
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 01:46:00 PM
Communication is SUPER important, tell him when it hurts, or if it feels good, or if you appreciate being kissed/cuddled/touched/etc. He'll appreciate the direction.

But don't forget that he probably doesn't know what he's doing. My husband was mortified because he had no real concept of where his tab A went into slot B (as my mother lovingly explained on my wedding night). So be aware.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 02:00:00 PM
Make requests! Don't expect your husband to guess what you'd like him to do. He won't be offended, he'll just be happy for some tips.
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 02:06:00 PM
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posted by This is Carrie at 4/21/2006 02:13:00 PM
So I am back because Anon made me think and think and reread my original post (good job anon). I don't want readers to take my advice the wrong way (or at least I want them to take it the wrong way for the right reasons ;).

Are my pieces of advice the things that I think are most important? Absolutely not. I just thought they might be unique based on my own experiences so that is why I started with them. If I were to choose the most important things to remember : COMMUNICATE, LUBRICATE and HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR (this will allieviate a lot of stress) .

As for my number one, I realize many may disagree, but to clarify, I probably shouldn't have used strong words lke "ditch" and "majority". I think they came out easily because I had a short beach honeymoon and my garments were definitley off more than they were on and I didn't feel the least bit bad about it. Actually, it was really great. I had a pretty prudish vision of my body and garments reinforced that idea for me--not saying that it does for everyone. And for me, the more that feeling went away, the better the sex. But reading my advice with a different honeymoon frame of reference - 2 weeks touring Europe, A disneyland adventure, A ski trip, or whatever, or a different view of your body I realize it would be different.

Also, I will add one more piece of advice directly to my niece. Get your fiance. Sit him down at the computer and read through all the comments with him. It will at the very least open the lines of communication. And at the most....well you might want to have a chaperone in the next room as you are reading.
posted by This is Carrie at 4/21/2006 02:33:00 PM
I ditto the "Act of Marriage" book suggestion. I am the youngest, so my siblings were great and said to read this for sure. Both DH and I read it before the wedding, sure helped alot.

All the other stuff about KY and tissues is excellent too.

The first time won't be fantastic. I actually remember thinking "Why do people do this?". But, it sure got much better over the next days/weeks/months.

First off, get use to seeing each other naked. If you make a big deal out of it, it will really put a hamper on your love life.

Sleeping naked is fine in my opinion. Some fun "toys" are ok too, as long as you only use them with your partner and not alone.

There is a great talk on cd called, "For All Eternity" by John Lund. It is so excellent as it helps you understand how each other communicates - which is important to having real intimacy. His "Expressions of Love" talk is excellent too. Even us old folks who have been married for awhile would benefit from it (we sure have).
posted by Anonymous at 4/21/2006 03:25:00 PM
Some of these comments would've freaked me out if I'd read them before the honeymoon. Sure, the sex was nowhere as good as it is now, but it was a heck of a lot of fun figuring things out! Maybe that's because for me it wasn't painful and there certainly wasn't any blood. Oh, but there were a few sore muscles that I hadn't anticipated.

Congratulations to the niece!
posted by a. nonny spouse at 4/21/2006 04:25:00 PM
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posted by Heather O. at 4/21/2006 06:52:00 PM
My experience with my honeymoon was on my PERIOD!! Oh, yes, I had always had WAY irregular ones, so I could never plan on it. Yes we did do it anyway... but I think a lot less maybe. There is one word that maybe everyone here had a clear idea of when they got married, but if I had had an older sister or friend give me the REAL low-down it would have helped SO MUCH! I went nearly a year without realizing that the big O was connected to a teeny tiny little anatomical part called the clitoris. No one was ever blunt with me, told me that THIS was the key to success, at least it was for me after we really found it!!
Before that I am sure we accidentally "hit" it but it was SO infrequent I would end up in tears ALL the TIME unfulfilled. No one was really clear about it with me.

Also, Lingerie is FOR ME!!!! Of course DH loves it too, but it plays a HUGE factor in my MOOD. I am transformed as I change out of my regular clothes into something that is made for this purpose... kind of like "dress for sucess" I guess, if you are dressed appropriately for the occasion it really helps.

ALSO, my hubby and I have talked about this so much, but we do NOT believe that it is fair to either partner to "just do it" even if you are not happy about it, to make him hapy or whatever. If you are serving, loving, caring for eachother completely, you both will care MORE about eahothers fulfillment and happiness than your own, THEREFORE, he won't be sexually fullfilled unless YOU are, and vice verca. Intimacy is SO mcuh more wonderful when you are in it with that attitude, than what's in it for me. You should be eachother's "love servant"! If my hubby knows that I won't be able to enjoy it, he doesn't even want to do it at all. He loses the mood.
It really makes me feel special to know that he's looking out for MY emotional best interest over his own physical interests.
posted by Rachel H at 4/21/2006 07:50:00 PM
Bodies are different... KY makes me itch intensely... so I recommend Astroglide. Otherwise, the advice here is pretty much spot on.

(20 years married tomorrow!)
posted by Coffinberry at 4/22/2006 07:08:00 AM
I'm with the "no garments" crowd. After all--there is NO covenant to wear garments--not at night, not during the day, never. We are only told to wear them and IMO it's none of the bishop's business whether we wear them "at night."
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 07:34:00 AM
Thanks for this thread, Carrie. Tremendously useful!. I second everything about UTI's and peeing, and I second the superiority of Astroglide to KY. And baby wips are definitely better than tissue.

A sense of humor is a must, and honesty--especially about pain (don't be afraid to shout "more lube please!" or..."wait...slow down...okay go ahead," that kind of stuff.).

Also, when faced with the problem of one being in the mood while the other is not, my husband and I have discovered a pretty good system. Neither of us ever adopts an attitude of "just do it," because we think that's unhealthy (and uncomfortable) for everyone. The response we like to give each other is, "I'm not really in the mood right now, but you're welcome to try to seduce me *grin*." Then really let your partner try for a minute or two. Turns out...the mood is often pretty easily produced! (And sometimes it's not, and that's okay. We know it's nothing personal, so no egos are bruised.)
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 09:07:00 AM
I am a product of insufficient "sex-ed". I mean, it got bad. For a while sex was fine and fun, but not amazing--no orgasm. I just thought that's how it was and I didn't understand why sex was portrayed as SO wonderful. It just got worse and worse over our seven years of marriage. To the point that I never wanted to have sex, did it out of obligation, eventually never wanted much of any physical contact from dh because I feared it would lead to sex. I have totally turned off any arousal buttons. Obviously this is not good for the bonding and love in a marriage. We also decided when we got married (based on advice from a trusted couple) not to discuss our sex life with anyone else. Well, this may have worked for them, but with my problem, it made me feel INCREDIBLY alone. Recently I hit my rock-bottom and told my ob/gyn about my lack of happiness with sex. She recommended me to a sex therapist. Now I am on the road to figuring what on earth orgasm is, and how to get it. My therapist recommends masturbation to figure out how to orgasm, then you teach your partner what works for you. I don't even know if masturbation is considered a sin when it's within marriage. If it is, Heavenly Father is going to have to understand because without my "practicing" I may never reach the big O and never love sex and...woah, I don't want to think about it.

So, my advice--talk to that friend who can give you the honest lowdown! And find out how great sex SHOULD and COULD be so you realize it if it's not happening right. And don't freak out like what happened to me will happen to you. Because with an aunt like yours and advice from this post--it'll be awesome!

--L.T.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 09:53:00 AM
{{{HUGS}}} for LT! I hope it does get better for you!
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 11:10:00 AM
Anonymous, no offense. I just thought you were saying taking your garments off on your honeymoon was a sin.

My daughter really got the lowdown from her older sister. LT, yeah, find an honest friend, because there are things I just couldn't talk to my daughter about. I could maybe talk to a friend, but not my child. I just froze.
posted by annegb at 4/22/2006 11:16:00 AM
The most helpful thing I did was talk to a married friend 4 days into the honeymoon. At that point she could give me a lot more helpful and specific advice than she could have before the wedding when I hadn't experienced it yet myself. (I also got as much advice as I could before the wedding, but after a few days on the honeymoon, I had a lot more questions.)

Also - KY makes a product called 'lubricating jelly' and a product called 'lubricating gel.' They are different. The gel is less viscous, soaks into your skin more quickly and makes less of a mess but the jelly is much more lubricating and is much better for first-timers.

Lastly, don't be surprised if you feel a little sad or depressed on your honeymoon. After being so busy with wedding planning for many months and then having it be over - combined with a sudden sense that you've totally lost your independence - can be a big emotional blow that is totally unexpected. It's not uncommon for women (especially if they've been on their own for awhile when they get married) to feel a sense of loss and depression which can turn into anger or questioning whether you married the right person during the first year of marriage. Not everyone feels this way, but it's scary if it happens and you weren't aware that those kinds of feelings are pretty common and that they will go away.
posted by Nikki at 4/22/2006 11:19:00 AM
There's a lot of good advice here. I'd just add one thing: sex is an expression of love. Our society's gotten so technical about it, it's like an indoor sport. Knowledge and communication are great, but remember to be kind and affectionate with each other. That's the whole point, after all.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 11:55:00 AM
I know I've already posted something but I had a further thought I wanted to share.

IMO, the most important thing for a new bride to know is that she's not alone. In today's "Sex and the City," "Cosmo" and "Clitoris = orgasm" culture it's easy to get the impression that sex is wonderful and easy and that if it's not so for you, well then something must be wrong with you. NOT true. 70% of women have some kind of difficulty with enjoying intercourse. There is no magic button on the female body that will always work every time on every woman or even on the same woman. Have patience with yourself, listen to what your body tells you and communicate, communicate, COMMUNICATE with your husband.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 12:32:00 PM
I was a huge fan of ditching our garments during much of our time in the hotel room.

However, In response to the anonymous comment that we don't covenant to wearthem both Day and night, that is simply untrue:

"And in a letter to priesthood leaders dated 10 October 1988, the First Presidency made the following important statements regarding how the garment should be worn: "Church members who have been clothed with the garment in the temple have made a covenant to wear it throughout their lives. This has been interpreted to mean that it is worn as underclothing both day and night. This sacred covenant is between the member and the Lord. Members should seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit to answer for themselves any personal questions about the wearing of the garment .... The promise of protection and blessings is conditioned upon worthiness and faithfulness in keeping the covenant.

"The fundamental principle ought to be to wear the garment and not to find occasions to remove it. Thus, members should not remove either all or part of the garment to work in the yard or to lounge around the home in swimwear or immodest clothing. Nor should they remove it to participate in recreational activities that can reasonably be done with the garment worn properly beneath regular clothing. When the garment must be removed, such as for swimming (or sex), it should be restored as soon as possible."
posted by Ryan at 4/22/2006 04:44:00 PM
Sorry, but we make covenants to do many things. Wearing garments is NOT one of those things. We are TOLD (i.e. we do not have a sign, etc., associated with ANY kind of covenant and we NEVER agree to do so). We are just told (a suggestion?) to wear the garment throughout our lives. Maybe I went through ('90s) the temple at a different time than you? That article is extremely misleading. There is absolutely no covenant to wear the garment, just an expectation and cultural habit.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 05:13:00 PM
Regardless of whether there is an actual covenant or not, the Temple Recommend interview asks if you wear the garment day and night "as instructed" in the Temple.

So if you don't--you're not Temple worthy. Even if it's not a covenant, it sounds like it's a pretty serious duty.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 06:04:00 PM
lube is good. don't forget to "wipe" afterwards. and ladies -- if things don't happen for you, don't be afraid to ask for a "hand".
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 06:35:00 PM
Ok, nobody's said anything like this, so don't think I'm crazy. But, before I was married I'd heard it can help a virgin woman to "stretch out" the vaginal opening before the wedding night. Just by massaging the opening with your fingers around the opening in the shower or something for a few weeks. Then the wedding night you won't be so tight.
posted by Katie at 4/22/2006 07:43:00 PM
BTW, "or sex" was not in the original First Presidency message.
posted by Anonymous at 4/22/2006 09:46:00 PM
Wow, who would have guessed that one short, to the point post would cause such a reaction? I'm really impressed. It shows me that this topic is not discussed candidly enough. By "this topic" I mean, The wearing and removal of garments, Lubercation and the pain we experience without, Libido or lack thereof, Male egos...do we say NO?, etc, etc, etc. You know, it's kind of sad that we don't talk about this more often and openly with those around us. Most comments have been made anonymus, which is fine, mine might just end up anon also, but why? Why is it so difficult to openly and honestly talk about sex and everything that comes along with it? I'm not trying to say that I am so comfortable with myself and the topic that I treat it like "coffe talk" with the girls, (although I would love to) but somethings need to be talked about! So many of us LDS gals who are now women feel alone and confussed on these and other topics in life. So I applaud the contibutors for starting and spporting this type of forum here at TFTC. You all obviously have noticed the need.

So here are my long and scattered opinons on some of the "hot topics" pulled from the original post.

A. Garments, I took a temple prep class before hand, but yet was never told specificly how to handle my garment. Yes I have heard the letter from the first presidency several times and I do remember what was said during my Initory. But as we have seen here, it leaves much to interpretation. Which I believe is just fine, we have been told to act upon the promtings of the spirit. I am a current temple recomend holder, and I do sleep naked with my husband on occasion.(what more protection could you need, when you are in the arms of your husband, skin to skin) But, do I really need to tell my Bishop this (who happens to be very young). So during my interview do I say Yes, but...(place disclaimer here). Even out side the relm of removing them for sex should I comment "yes I do, but I take them off to work out because personaly I don't like getting nasty sweaty in them, and have them turn yellow on me from all my crustiness when I exercise".

B. PAIN!!! yes sex at first is not so fun, it's akward, and painful, and can be down right frightening. But I had no idea, it was going to hurt SO bad! I cried! I cried from pain, from feeling inadequate, from stress you name it I cried, bawled really. Being who I am, of course I made a joke of it all in the end to the sorts of "most women scream, I cry"...along those lines. And sometimes even now sex can be very painful. But I had never heard anyone else talk about their discomfort or pain and continued pain. So I never spoke out because something must be wrong with me, right? Or so I thought it was just me, especialy after I tried to talk to talk to my OB/GYN after we first were married. This was the wonderfuly helpful comment I received from her "I don't why it hurts so bad, is your husband black? Or is he just raelly big"? Oh yes that is all I got! My response, no he's not black and I would have no idea because I had nothing else to compare it with. After that meeting I found a new OB/GYN. (My DH really felt flatered by her comment though) But I remained in silent pain.

C. Libido? Scary topic. We have seen it here on this blog, women suffer from not just the occasional "not tonight" but no desire for sex at all. This I know can truely affect a marriage. So why does it seem that it's not such a big deal for older men to come to grips and get some viagra and be thrilled at the possible side effect (you know the one "contact your doctor if he have an erection for more than 3 hours"). Women on the other hand, we can't come to accept that there might be a problem. Maybe it came along after having children, or with age, whatever the case maybe who knows, but it is real and it does not just happen to "so and so down the street". So lets get some help ladies, whether it's through a friend, family member, or your Dr. And as it has been said plenty of times, communicate your concerns with your DH.

D. Yes, No, maybe so? Wow never say no?! I can't imagine. I would grow such a resentment towards my husband. That truley takes our right to free agency away. I agree that husbands work hard for their families but there are other ways I as a wife can express my thanks. But having sex at his every beckoning call, no way. Let him get thrown up on, not get a shower until 3 in the afternoon, and all those other fun sexy happenings we experience as SAHM and lets see if he still wants to have sex when their partner says it's time. Sex at anytime should be a mutual agreement between to concenting adults unmarried and married alike!

Whoah I think this evenings novel will come to a close now. Again these are my own opinions. Agree, disgree that's fine, but lets keep the lines of communication open. Not just between husband and wife, but with eachother as sisters.
posted by Anonymous at 4/23/2006 12:28:00 AM
1) Astroglide (i know you got some at your bridal shower from d&j)

2) I think masturbation is important. How can you help someone else make you feel good if you don't even know how to do it yourself?

3) I agree that a women should not have sex just because her husband wants to. But, take an active role in getting your sex drive in gear: have your hormones checked, think about sex (with your husband) during the day, every once in awhile, have sex even if you're not in the mood, sometimes moods change. i agree with planning sex into your day. also, just remember to be gentle but honest when turning your husband down for sex.

4) I had a problem with my clitoris hurting when it was being stimulated. I found out it was because of a yeast infection. Yeast can make that area very dry (which causes the itch) but it can also make the clitoris very sensitive to touch. Using a lot of lubrication (like Astroglide) on it can help a lot!

5) As for UTI's - peeing after sex is more important than peeing before sex. (Sometimes having your bladder full can increase the pleasure) Its important to clean that whole area well afterward. If you don't pee very much after sex, use baby wipes or take a mini bath (just squat and clean that area) or (my favortie) shower together. Cranberry tablets work well, but I like 100% cranberry juice (Trader Joes has some) better. If you find you are very susceptible to UTIs, drink a tiny glass of if everyday. It is very tart, so if you can't stand the taste, mix it with apple juice. Be sure to eat something right after because it can be hard on the stomach.

That is all. Hope this helps.
posted by Anonymous at 4/23/2006 01:04:00 PM
Ditto to the comment that a lot of these comments would have freaked me out before my wedding night (although I was very aware of the fact that pain and blood CAN be part of sex). But I just want to say that I didn't bleed my first time, nor was it painful. I didn't even need lubrication--my body produced enough on its own, I think because it wanted the experience. =) It wasn't an overwhelmingly fantastic experience (sexually, spiritually, emotionally), but it was a close time for dh and me.

I would say talking VERY openly about all of this stuff with your fiance is the most important thing. We talked about my fear of bleeding, of being too small and hurting, of not being able to do it the first time, and so much more. So there really wasn't anything scary or uncomfortable the night of. It was just the next step in getting to know each other.
posted by Anonymous at 4/23/2006 02:58:00 PM
Adding to the last comment above--my dh reminds me that I was well lubricated our first time because he/we spent a lot of time in foreplay. He'd done a lot of reading on what women need to be aroused--which I really appreciated.

So I think this is good advice too: the groom should read and prepare just as much as the bride. Sex has usually been enjoyable for me because my dh is good enough to consider what I need to enjoy it with him. He claims (and I believe him) that it's better for him when I enjoy it too. =)
posted by Anonymous at 4/23/2006 03:26:00 PM
Here's my advice in a nutshell:

1. Stretch yourself out (woman) in the shower. Get yourself ready for that first time and there will be little or no bleeding and less soreness.

2. LUBRICATE

3. Make sure you are on board with your birth control options and if you are going to be taking it, start a month or two early!!

4. Take him with you to Victoria Secret if you both want the lingerie. Wear what HE wants. What gets him hot. Not what your VT gave you at the shower last month that he might find frumpy... :) :) (did this and DH was VERY happy).

5. COMMUNICATE

6. Don't be afraid to say no.

7. Don't be offended if HE says no! :)

8. "Dress for the sport". Garments ARE made by covenant (Did anon go through the same initiatory I went through?!?!??!) but are to be respected. Sex is used to bring two individuals closer together and skin on skin is the BEST way for that to happen. I mean, be respectful to your garments, but be more respectful to your relationship! ESPECIALLY this first week. My Grandma told my parents they should wear the garments WHILE they were having sex and my mom said --"yeah, right! Like that works".

9. Don't have a strict schedule on the honeymoon. Enjoy being together and be flexible with schedules and things...

10. If you have your period on your honeymoon, buy Instead (cups for your period).

11. If you have a UTI, do what carrie said.

12. I had both my period and a UTI on my honeymoon --and it was fine because I had the Instead, but I wish SO BADLY that I had cranberry supplements...

Love you, sister!! (although you probably won't be able to read this until after your honeymoon, now.)
posted by Cheryl at 4/23/2006 05:10:00 PM
Um, I'm not married, and I have a question. It's not completely on topic, so feel free to ignore me if you want.

Would it be completely ridiculous (or impossible) to plan NOT to have sex on your wedding night?

I'm serious. I've thought about this (probably more than is good for me!), and think it makes sense for a number of reasons:

1. As some of the comments on this thread show, the first time could very well be awkward or painful. Even if you are aware of this beforehand, given the excitement and anticipation that has built up, some level of disappointment seems possible, even likely. Is that how I want to finish off what is supposed to be the happiest day of my life?

2. Fatigue. Weddings are so busy and stressful. After that crazy day is over, I'm supposed to figure out sex for the first time too?

3. Distraction. When I had a boyfriend, if I knew I was going to see him later in the day sometimes I found myself completely unable to concentrate, because I was anticipating the kissing. Should I spend my whole wedding day thinking, "We're going to have sex tonight!"?

4. After resisting for so long, what's a few more days? (This could just be me being weird. When I was a little girl, on Fast Sunday I would look around the table to make sure I was the last one to start eating. I thought, "I've already skipped two meals, what's a few more minutes of hunger?")

5. There could be a fair amount of territory in between being chaste with your fiance and having sex with your husband. Why not take some time to enjoy that and work up to sex as you become more comfortable with each other physically, rather than skipping over all of it?

6. Marriage should be about more than sex (right?), and I don't want to turn the wedding day/night into "Hooray, we're married--that means we can have sex now!" Shouldn't the focus on why it's exciting to get married be (at least partially) elsewhere--on how happy you are to spend eternity with the person you love most, for instance?

A few final disclaimers. If I were engaged and still felt this way, I would OBVIOUSLY talk about it with my fiance. And, these are just my personal feelings, based on what I know about myself, and I hope I haven't offended all the people who did have sex on their wedding nights.

So...am I being completely unrealistic?
posted by Anonymous at 4/24/2006 12:20:00 PM
obvious anonymous, wouldn't that be nice? During my courtship with DH there were moments when I wanted to do more, but had to put up that darn red flag. He would never have gone for your lovely romantic plan.

As for the hectic crazy day...our solution was this: Get married around 10 am (don't remember exactly), have a big long luncheon, have a few hours break to get ready and take photos before the reception. We requested a few hotel rooms at the luncheon spot to change clothes. The bridesmaids had one room and DH and I had the other. So we "changed". I have mixed feelings about my first time.

1. I wasn't necessarily planning on it happening this way so we weren't prepared with any of the fine products mentioned here or lingerie or anything. But that was also fun and spontaneous.
2. It was nice to know that I wasn't a virgin at my reception, though standing in the line for an hour was a little sore.
3. Part of me wishes it had been this big romantic event, but let's face it, the first time is the first time, so it was pretty much ideal that we got it out of the way and enjoyed our evening.

TMI?
posted by Kage at 4/24/2006 02:03:00 PM
obvious anonymous-

I don't think you are being completely unrealistic, but let's face it --men (LDS virgin men) have been waiting for this for a long time. No, I'm not trying to stereotype all men --okay, maybe I am. My DH had amazing self control when we were dating and engaged. He was a gentleman, but I'll tell you what, as soon as we left the reception, I know that's ALL he was thinking about...

With that said, we had a fabulous day! And no, we weren't "just" thinking about the sex. I think the difference in the relationships maybe you have had with your boyfriend (how you said you couldn't wait to just kiss him) and with a couple getting married is that there is so much more of a connection --they are friends, companions, and soon-to-be lovers. I think the relationship is deeper...
Anyways, our day was much like kage's wedding day (same times, and such), but we had to change in my parent's house --ummm...sex couldn't happen there with all those people! Which, personally, I'm glad that it didn't. But we had a fabulous time dancing the night away at our reception. And we were having too much fun, apparantly, because my uncle had to remind us to leave (it was 9:30PM). DH needed no more encouragement, and we were off!

I guess I mention that just so you can see that we didn't think about sex all day--but we did see it as a time for us to celebrate our new life with our family and friends --and to think about the fact that we were now together for eternity.

But not having sex on the honeymoon night? I don't think I could've handled that either! I had been waiting for it, just like him...:)
posted by Cheryl at 4/24/2006 02:22:00 PM
Obvious Annonymous:

You're not being unrealistic at all. It's very common for people to be so tired and wrung out from all the wedding hoopla that they just crash. It depends on your spouse, what they want and what you can both agree to, but I think planning not to do it on the wedding night is a good idea. Less pressure and stress!
posted by Anonymous at 4/24/2006 02:29:00 PM
I don't think it is unrealistic, but I do think it might be something that is really hard to plan on doing-especially before you are even engaged. If you are worried about being overtired, then make wedding plans that allow you to not have a crazy day. I know some people who get married and have their receptions on different days.

Anyway, I guess I would look at many other ways of lessening my stress levels on the wedding day, before I decided to opt out of sex for the first night. Your first time will always be laced with expectations and anxiety no matter when it actually happens.

That said, I totally understand where your thoughts are coming from. I could never have done it though. I was horny as hell.
posted by Anonymous at 4/24/2006 03:20:00 PM
obvious anonymous,
I don't think it is completely unrealistic, but I think your views might change as you get closer to the actual night. As for the worn out thing, yeah you are tired by the night. But you get a second wind, an adreneline rush sort of thing.

"There could be a fair amount of territory in between being chaste with your fiance and having sex with your husband." This is a very, very true statement, and I think you do cover most of it, or at least we did. We spent a good two or three hours doing everything we'd wanted to while we were dating before we got down to actually having sex. We were both a little nervous, and it was kind of like 'is there anything else we could do first?' And then when there wasn't that's when it happened.

The good news is you get to relive your wedding night every year on your anniversary. And it gets better every year!
posted by Trivial Mom at 4/24/2006 07:43:00 PM
Obvious Annon-
another thing you can do is have your reception on a different day. I was married on a thursday and the reception was friday. After the sealing and pictures at the Temple, we had lunch with our families at a resturant and then we were on our own for over 24 hours. We really liked having planned it that way. I would recommend it.
posted by Karen at 4/25/2006 10:43:00 AM
Obvious anonymous--

Another possibility is having an afternoon reception. Our reception was from 3-5 in the afternoon, and we were a free couple after that.
posted by Anonymous at 4/26/2006 11:24:00 AM
Here's a novel idea from a guy who did this- don't go all the way on your honeymoon. Do something, but if your wife isn't ready yet don't make her feel like she has to consummate just to appease your long "wait."

My wife was terrified of hurting down there, so we waited a few months until she was loosened up to really get at it. And our honeymoon was sooo enjoyable with all the snuggles and no UTI or pain "down there."
posted by Anonymous at 4/26/2006 07:59:00 PM
EVERYONE -

Thanks so much for your advice. I am Carrie's niece who just got married and my honeymoon was a blast!

I started writing a long, detailed post about the honeymoon, but thought it was a little long and unnecessary.

Everything went so great, I couldn't have asked for better. We got married in New Zealand in the temple on our own and it was so nice, romantic, and soo low key. It was so ridiculously beautiful in new zealand and there was so much fun, outdoor, active stuff to do. Last, but not least, the sex was fantastiic.

I think we did it every morning and every night while we were there. I was kind of wary if I would enjoy it after everyone's comments but it felt really good, was really fun, and very spiritual too!

The first time was pretty scary - so much pressure on it being the first time - but after that it got way better.

The following advice was very useful:

1. Communicate (so important)

2. Stretching out beforehand

3. Foreplay (doesn't take me long, but definately helps - I think the first time we just we may have just rushed into it too fast)

4. Cranberry pills. It would start to burn, but thanks to pills, it went right away!

5. Light on the garments during the honeymoon. It was a special occasion and made me a little more comfortable (and feel sexier) to wear them a little less that I would normally. Now that I'm back home and into the swing of things, I'm a full-time garment wearer (although I'm still trying to get used to them!)

Advice that I found out I didn't need to use, but because the communication lines were open I was able to be honest about what I did or didn't like:

1. Lubrication. I just didn't like it. It felt weird and sticky. I make plenty on my own (at least for now) so actually didn't need it. This of course will probably change given more time.

2. Toys. His brothers wife made him go out and buy some "toys" for me. I was not into these - felt too unnatural and really just kind of freaked me out. I'll stick to natural for now.

3. Numbing lotion- Again unnatural and I think it kind of stung me. He actually lasted surpisingly long without it - I guess he got some muscle advice on how to last longer and I enjoyed it much better without it.

So, in closing, my advice to anyone in the future is definately COMMUNICATE with spouse and get lots of different advice. Everyone is different, so don't feel bad if the advice doesn't necessarily work for you. Try different things - you'll never know unless you try it to find out if you like it or not!

Thanks again Carrie, for posting this and helping me out!
posted by tamrobot at 5/01/2006 01:08:00 PM
Here's some advice from a my own male perspective. Bear in mind that this is one-sided. I believe both husbands and wives have a responsibility to serve each other in their sexual relationships. A husband should give his wife everything he can to make her happy in this area, just as in other areas. But the following is directed toward women:

Men--good men, at any rate--want to receive gifts, not to take prizes. They want to be shown wonders, not to steal peeks. Give them gifts, and show them wonderful sights.

Only the worst kind of man wants to feel that he is taking his pleasure at a woman's expense. He doesn't want to have sex against her will. And he doesn't want to be merely PERMITTED to have sex with her because she's indifferent to it. (In fact, in some ways, indifference is a more painful rejection that hostility.) He wants to receive it as a gift.

When you GIVE your body to your husband, you are giving him something he fundamentally needs--an important form of acceptance and communication. Some authorities say men's need for this sexual communication is similar to the need for verbal communication. It matters.

One of the most important ways to give him the gift of your body is to SHOW it to him. Showcase it---show it off. Leave the lights on sometimes. Wear sexy lingerie and use personal grooming to make your body sexually attractive. Don't just ALLOW him to see you--SHOW yourself. Pose. Give. From my perspective, the visual element of sex is sometimes more than half the game. (Why do you suppose the false, empty and destructive counterfeit of pornography is so powerful? Men want to see women who are ostensibly happy to be seen.) Your husband wants to see YOU, not some false substitute. Don't worry that your body isn't like Elle MacPherson's. If he wanted to see her, he could. He wants to see YOU---your body, given and shown willingly. He wants to know that you are giving this deliberately, out of love.

Give yourself to him. Show yourself to him. You will make both of you happier by doing so. His sexual needs are real and legitimate, and unless he's the lowest sort of man, your loving concern for those needs will be reciprocated.

Finally, let me echo a point that's already been made: TELL your husband what he can do to please you. It's OK if you change your mind about doing that particular thing later--he's probably open to experimentation. Men LOVE clear instructions. And your husband wants to please you as much as he can.

The reciprocal is just as important: ASK what will please him, and ask it with an open mind. He may be afraid to answer, for fear that you'll think he's a pervert. Go into it recognizing that sexual desires for one's wife aren't wrong. Ask him what he wants. Then, at least you'll know enough to decide whether you can give it to him.
posted by Anonymous at 5/04/2006 07:07:00 PM
Some great advice here, but let me stress one thing: FOREPLAY. If you're not aroused and lubricated, then sex probably won't feel good; in fact, it might feel painful. If he wants to start and you don't feel aroused enough, you need to be direct and tell him that you need more foreplay. Even really experienced men can sometimes have trouble figuring out their partner is ready for intercourse.

I hate to sound harsh, but don't expect everything to go according to plan in the bedroom. While my first time was very special to me,but in hindsight, the physical sex itself wasn't good. I lost my virginity to another virgin. Needless to say, neither one of us really knew what to do. It took a couple tries to get into a comfortable position, and when it started, well...he didn't last very long. The next couple of times after that were awkward, but we got better with each try (practice makes perfect!) It goes a long way going into this experience with patience and a sense of humor.

Also don't get freaked out if you don't see any blood on the first try. People here keep saying you will have blood on your first try; this isn't necessarily true. It wasn't until my 4th or 5th time that I finally bled, and it only happened after the first time I tried being on top.
posted by Anonymous at 8/04/2006 02:55:00 PM
Hiya Ladies, I found your discussion thread from the link from Bacchus, and I read the comments through.

Unlike the very rude post from "Anonymous" above, I wanted to say thank you for expanding my own understanding of a different way of life, and different life experiences. I'm not a Mormon, and I wasn't a virgin bride, but I respect your choices for your own lives.

I found your discussion to be honest, candid, wise, at times funny, and at times, sad for people who have had bad experiences. Reading that someone had pain for over a year, and the doctor just asked if her husband was "large or black" - oh, that doctor should be out of practice. Beyond appalling! Dangerous! she could have had fibroids, and pain like that IS a serious indication of something wrong!

I'm so glad that there is an internet now, so that young brides-to-be can get good advice this way. Especially if their own mothers are too shy and embarrassed to talk about it. The more information (good information) that women have about our own bodies, and how they works, the better off we are.

One thing I noticed from the discussion was the emphasis on using lubricating products (very, very good advice) but little on encouraging the body's own natural lubrication to be at "full ready" before the act. And that gave me pause. If a bride is a virgin, and so is her groom,... well, yes, like Kage's roommate from college, I worry for all of you. And even if a groom isn't technicaly a virgin on the wedding night, let's face it, don't expect any man to magically know your body better than you do. It's unfair.

If any of you ever want advice from an older, more experienced girlfriend - and I certainly didn't come here to set myself up as the scarlet-harlot non-Mormon - but I believe in knowledge, and I can (if I try really hard) speak openly about these things in a polite, hopefully ladylike, way. You can ask me anything. I'm not a doctor, not a therapist... just another girlfriend. But one who's had a much different life, with different experiences.

I wish all of you the best, sincerely.
posted by Cinnamon at 8/05/2006 06:26:00 AM