The Girlfriend's Guide To Autism

April is Autism Awareness Month. At first glance, I thought the ribbon was designed with puzzle pieces because some autistic kids, like my 3-year-old son Noe, are really into puzzles. Actually, the ribbon "reflects the mystery and complexity as well as the diversity of people and families living with this disorder."

In all likelihood, you know....or will know....a mother with an autistic child. The number of kids diagnosed with autism has reached epidemic proportions: 1 in 166 kids are somewhere on the autism spectrum.

If you know a mom whose child has just received the diagnosis, here is some advice from another mom who's recently been through the autism ringer:

1. Acknowledge Her Loss. Having your child diagnosed with a life-long disability is a terrible loss. When Noe was diagnosed, I felt as though his future had been robbed from him, and from us. I also felt tremendous guilt about these feelings...after all, he wasn't dead or dying. How could I feel such grief? I remember talking to Kage in the mother's room of our Astoria chapel during a Sacrament Meeting soon after Noe's diagnosis. She said exactly what I was feeling...that I had experienced a great loss. That validation allowed me to start grieving...and healing.

Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, worry about saying nothing. I received a wide range of responses, and honestly, I appreciated almost all of them. Some were very somber, "I'm so sorry." Others were more positive..."I've got a nephew with autism and he is the greatest kid...Noe is going to be great!" I didn't want to be alone during that time and I appreciated the support.

2. Build Her Confidence. The only responses that I DID NOT appreciate were in the form of, "Oh...I knew there was something wrong with him." Luckily I didn't hear them very often, but they helped validate my fear that I WAS INDEED the WORST mother in the ENTIRE history of motherhood! How could I have missed the signs? I knew that Noe was a little different from his peers, but I thought he was a "walking-to-his-own-drumbeat" different, rather than "your-son-has-a-debilitating-neurological-disorder" different.

Mothers tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong with their children. My self-blame ran the gamut of the possible, "I shouldn't have immunized him," to the improbable, "I should have breastfed him longer," to the absurd, "It's my fault because he fell off the bed once."

Your friend may also be questioning her abilities as a mother. Reassure your friend that she is an amazing mom with great faith and untold strength that will enable her child rise above autism to reach his/her full potential.

3. Listen to Her. Your friend will be facing a myriad of new stresses in the coming months. Potential challenges may include: Finding qualified therapists to work with her child and the financial resources to pay for these expensive therapies; Exhaustion from dealing with her child's autistic behaviors; Anxiety about her child's future; Marital stress (the divorce rate for parents of an autistic child is 80%). Be positive and encouraging, but mostly stay silent and let her complain away....

I certainly never expected any of my friends to solve any of these problems, but I appreciated their willingness to listen.

4. Love Her Child. I was pleased that all of my friends treated Noe the same after his diagnosis and many even asked how they could be involved in his therapy. Possible ways to involve yourself in her child's life include: Learning how to communicate with her child (i.e. using sign language or PECs that the child understands); Engaging her child in meaningful play (autistic kids need constant attention in order to keep them from reverting back to their own world); Learning how to help your friend manage her child's negative behaviors.

5. Educate Her. There is a litany of information and resources available on autism. Your friend will soon begin the oft-overwhelming process of sifting through causation theories and deciding between many different treatment options. Almost one year later, I am still learning new things about autism and its hold on my son, and I am still questioning the appropriateness of the therapies we chose for Noe. Here are some of my favorite resources from my ever-expanding autism library: Overcoming Autism, The Autism Sourcebook, The Out of Sync Child and Thinking In Pictures.

I don't know exactly what Noe's future holds, but I DO know that I would have never survived the past year without my DH, my mom and my Tales girlfriends.