Cytokinesis

So it has been about 6 weeks since I last saw Carrie. The last time I didn't see her for this long was when her DH had a motorcycle accident in UT and was laid up for a while out there. Then I could at least go check on her apartment, say hi to her pets...and know she was coming home...but it's hitting me now that she isn't coming back.

The apartment below that she used to occupy has been painted white, and is still vacant two months later. Sometimes the door is left wide open by the super...I think he is taunting me, because I walk by and it is just this empty, echoey white hole. No dog trying to escape, no smell of dinner that I am OBVIOUSLY not cooking upstairs, no little running princess feet, no opera-screaming pumpkin, no Carrie yelling (in a nice way) at her "work people" on her cell phone, no door slams to indicate their comings and goings.

Lately I have felt some pent up anger and frustration, sadness and loneliness. It has really been bothering me because I am definitely not sad and lonely very much. (I'll leave the anger and frustration for another post). I asked myself: WHY? Why am I feeling all of this... and then it hit me. I miss Carrie. Not only was she a great friend, but she was this reflection of almost exactly what I was going through...and if she was ok at the end of the day, then I was too. We both had two girls that were virtually the same age going through very similar things. We lived in the same city and were working/sahm moms. She could totally relate to everything that happened, and I could spit it right out and she would smile and nod and then everything would be ok. So, I miss that being right there at any moment.

I miss the Tales girls too. Whenever I visit tales I picture a church gym filled with all the women on the list on the right. There were moments when almost all of us were gathered in that gym with little ones wreaking havoc (don't tell the FM group). I asked myself why we got to have that and then why we lost it? It occurred to me that God had a plan for us. We were like cells that needed to divide so that we could grow. I figured out that we had something so unique and so special, and we learned so much from each other, but we could only have that for a short amount of time. It was like a training session. Then we had to be split apart so that we could go gather others and "train" them. Train them to come out of their homes and be with other women. To pull down their social masks and talk candidly about the struggles and triumphs of motherhood. To be there for each other when we found out we had bedbugs, were pregnant with twins, were betrayed by a family member, couldn't orgasm (ok nobody would touch that one-go over to FMH for that discussion), had a crazy neighbor who was going to kill them (that happened to two of us), couldn't get pregnant, could get pregnant, got deathly ill (temporarily), had a husband traveling all the time, needed a girls night out, needed to buy a pair of jeans without holes in them, found out we were unexpectedly pregnant (won't tell how many THAT happened to), or finally potty-trained our kid.

The list goes on and on. We are so lucky as sisters in this gospel to have enough in common to share. To give and to receive. I feel there are women in other towns and cities who do not have that support group. We not only had it, but we were a beautiful example of openness, acceptance, giving and receiving. Everyone was invited to everything. Everyone had gifts to share. So, I will miss that, but I plan on rebuilding here, and I know that every woman who has gone elsewhere is doing the same thing.

PS Cytokinesis: the process where one cell splits off from its sister cell