17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.

Monday, April 10, 2006


So it has been about 6 weeks since I last saw Carrie. The last time I didn't see her for this long was when her DH had a motorcycle accident in UT and was laid up for a while out there. Then I could at least go check on her apartment, say hi to her pets...and know she was coming home...but it's hitting me now that she isn't coming back.

The apartment below that she used to occupy has been painted white, and is still vacant two months later. Sometimes the door is left wide open by the super...I think he is taunting me, because I walk by and it is just this empty, echoey white hole. No dog trying to escape, no smell of dinner that I am OBVIOUSLY not cooking upstairs, no little running princess feet, no opera-screaming pumpkin, no Carrie yelling (in a nice way) at her "work people" on her cell phone, no door slams to indicate their comings and goings.

Lately I have felt some pent up anger and frustration, sadness and loneliness. It has really been bothering me because I am definitely not sad and lonely very much. (I'll leave the anger and frustration for another post). I asked myself: WHY? Why am I feeling all of this... and then it hit me. I miss Carrie. Not only was she a great friend, but she was this reflection of almost exactly what I was going through...and if she was ok at the end of the day, then I was too. We both had two girls that were virtually the same age going through very similar things. We lived in the same city and were working/sahm moms. She could totally relate to everything that happened, and I could spit it right out and she would smile and nod and then everything would be ok. So, I miss that being right there at any moment.

I miss the Tales girls too. Whenever I visit tales I picture a church gym filled with all the women on the list on the right. There were moments when almost all of us were gathered in that gym with little ones wreaking havoc (don't tell the FM group). I asked myself why we got to have that and then why we lost it? It occurred to me that God had a plan for us. We were like cells that needed to divide so that we could grow. I figured out that we had something so unique and so special, and we learned so much from each other, but we could only have that for a short amount of time. It was like a training session. Then we had to be split apart so that we could go gather others and "train" them. Train them to come out of their homes and be with other women. To pull down their social masks and talk candidly about the struggles and triumphs of motherhood. To be there for each other when we found out we had bedbugs, were pregnant with twins, were betrayed by a family member, couldn't orgasm (ok nobody would touch that one-go over to FMH for that discussion), had a crazy neighbor who was going to kill them (that happened to two of us), couldn't get pregnant, could get pregnant, got deathly ill (temporarily), had a husband traveling all the time, needed a girls night out, needed to buy a pair of jeans without holes in them, found out we were unexpectedly pregnant (won't tell how many THAT happened to), or finally potty-trained our kid.

The list goes on and on. We are so lucky as sisters in this gospel to have enough in common to share. To give and to receive. I feel there are women in other towns and cities who do not have that support group. We not only had it, but we were a beautiful example of openness, acceptance, giving and receiving. Everyone was invited to everything. Everyone had gifts to share. So, I will miss that, but I plan on rebuilding here, and I know that every woman who has gone elsewhere is doing the same thing.

PS Cytokinesis: the process where one cell splits off from its sister cell


  • Kage (and everyone else) you have honestly inspired me. I want to create (here in my own little neck of the woods) what you had in Queens. I've often been envious of that sort of group--wishing there could be one around me. Your stories have encouraged me to start reaching out and trying to make one--instead of waiting for it to happen. Thanks for the encouragement, laughs, and inspiration.
    posted by Blogger Keryn at 4/09/2006 07:57:00 PM  

  • If certain people knew we talked about having orgasms during playgroup...we would have DEFINITELY been shut down ;-)

    It's funny you posted this, Kage, because just yesterday at church I was thinking about how tight people's "social masks" as you put it, are here compared to back in NY. I have got more than one shocked look, because I am used to being able to speak so honestly... and I'm not exactly the "edgiest" of us. I like your idea about us "spreading the gospel" and I will continue to try and speak my mind as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else.
    posted by Blogger Jen at 4/10/2006 09:02:00 AM  

  • I really needed this today. One of my best friends moved away a week ago and I'm just starting to feel it. We're in the military and it happens all the time, so you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but it never gets easier to leave people you love. It's comforting to know that other people understand the empty space that is left behind, I don't feel quite so lonely now.
    posted by Blogger Mo Mommy at 4/10/2006 09:36:00 AM  

  • Gee, I think I missed (but would have enjoyed) the "big O" playgroup. Dang!

    Yes, Jen, I was noting that I have had more entertaining and a greater variety of conversation and banter since living in NYC than I ever have anywhere else. I like it!

    My love goes out to our tales friends who have gone and to our Queens girls who miss them. :)
    posted by Blogger Katie at 4/10/2006 02:31:00 PM  

  • Kage,
    It sounds like a lovely dream to have such a tight knit group together even for a short while! We've moved around so much that here I am, reading a blog by a tight knit group of friends that I wish I had. Okay that sounds really sad... but it's not all that bad. I am used to being INDEPENDANT;) ...maybe someday I will find that great balanced group of fun women to have as a support group! So far long distnance calls to the few treasured friends I've made over the years and also to my awesome sisters makes up for it! =)
    posted by Blogger Rachel H at 4/10/2006 06:52:00 PM  

  • rachel h, even many of us writing the blog wish we had this group of friends. Sure, we still "have" each other, but not for casual playgroup conversations and "can I drop the kids by" kind of helpfulness. But we did have it, we know how good it can be. And I think Kage is right, it's a rare group that forms that way on its own. We have to actively create that kind of atmosphere with the women around us, help to create that kind of support.

    I agree with Jen that the masks are out in full force around me. But I think that part of getting rid of those masks is time - I have to remind myself that we didn't start confessing weaknesses and looking for help the first month we knew one another - it took a lot of time and shared experience to gain that trust. And there were still things we didn't share, still masks we wore with one another. So I keep reminding myself to give it some time, not give up on some of these masked ladies quite yet!
    posted by Blogger marian at 4/10/2006 07:11:00 PM  

  • Hey, if you can't talk about orgasm at playgroup (or bookgroup, as the case may be), really, what ARE you talking about?:)

    We had a group like that when we were in law school, and it was great. There is nothing like good friends. We have not been able to replicate that since we've moved. We have made good friends, yes (EVERY woman needs a book group!), but nothing like what we had. I still miss it.
    posted by Blogger Heather O. at 4/11/2006 02:24:00 PM  

  • I never got to go to playgroup in Queens... but now that I have my little guy I WISH I could meet up with everyone at the playground in Astoria for an afternoon. I guess if you had a close-knit group of friends everywhere you went, it wouldn't be so special when you found them. (Atleast that's what I tell myself)
    posted by Blogger Beth at 4/11/2006 06:51:00 PM  

  • If we talked about orgasms at my current playgroup I'd be more apt to go! Somehow I think I'd be the only one starting up that conversation...

    I hear you about the tight social masks - they're hard to pull down. I'm trying to be more open with those around me in an effort to "disarm" them but I have to agree with Marian - it's going to take time. Our tales group didn't become tight overnight. Through time, our kids and crazy shared experiences we forged an unforgettable bond and that's not easily replicated.

    So I keep chanting the refrain "Time...time...time".

    Thanks for the post, Kage.
    posted by Blogger chloe at 4/11/2006 08:15:00 PM  

  • Oh Kage, for a girl with a heart of stone you can sure write with amazing emotion. :)

    I will never forget the look on everyone's face when you brought up orgasms in the church gym. I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

    I miss the old times.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 4/14/2006 01:09:00 PM  

  • Yeah nobody would touch the big O subject...I don't even think we were in mixed company. Was that the day that Pukey fell in the trash can?

    You are not the first to call me heart of stone. Wow...I might need to work on softening that a little, don't want the whole hardened arteries thing
    posted by Blogger Kage at 4/14/2006 01:51:00 PM  

  • I'll forward you that dog story again and you can practice your tears. LOL.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 4/14/2006 02:04:00 PM  

  • Ok if we're going to go off on a dog story tangent so be it. Q: Was there anything the least bit moving about the dog post?
    A: NO
    posted by Blogger Kage at 4/14/2006 03:12:00 PM  

  • This post depresses me!!! I have a group of friends just like this where I live- honestly, any one of us could pick up and be "mom" to any of our kids. There are about 12 of us who are so close and live within 2 miles of each other. I will be leaving the group come Aug. of this year....... waaaah! I will be the first to leave. A few others will follow within the next year, but I am seriously depressed. I love what you wrote Kage and I really hope that I can find this bond elsewhere because if I don't, I seriously think I'll just crawl in a corner and die! We don't even know where we're moving yet- but when we do... you can bet I'll be checking out the place for "girlfriends!" I just know I have 4 months to live it up and enjoy all of our girls' stuff... makes me sad to think about leaving!
    posted by Blogger BJHBHB at 4/15/2006 10:10:00 PM  

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