The Public Discipline Quandry

What do you do when another kid hurts your kid? What do you do when the other kid’s mother is there? What do you do when the other kid’s mother is not there? What do you do when the other kid’s mother makes almost no effort to discipline her child or convey the idea that what he’s just done is not acceptable? I’m in a quandry; I don’t know what to do.

I find it happening a lot recently between my 15-month-old and the other toddlers she plays with regularly. Of course, she rarely gets seriously hurt. But there are kids who push and pull and hit and definitely upset her and are just kind of mean. I find the moment after she’s been hurt (so far, she hasn’t taken to hurting other kids yet, probably only because she’s the youngest and smallest of the group of kids we spend time with) to be very awkward.

There’s always some kind of reaction from the other kid’s mom. It sometimes includes an apology to me, perhaps with an explanation, “He’s tired; he’s hungry; she’s really into pulling hair right now; she gets that from her brother.” And I usually find myself immediately saying, “It’s ok,” just to smooth over the situation socially.

But is it ok? Is it ok for kids to hurt each other? Do we just let it pass? Perhaps it is ok. I mean this is what kids do; this is how they are. I can accept that to some extent playing with other kids is going to involve some aches and pains, some scratches and bruises, and maybe even the occasional blood. But I think what bothers me more than kids hurting other kids is mothers who don’t do anything about it, or mothers who make a weak attempt at disciplining.

But I’m not sure what I expect that “disciplining” to look like. I’m not really sure how I will handle it when my dd starts doing it (I assume she will). My first instinct tells me that there needs to be some kind of mildly but genuinely unpleasant consequence to the action: being removed from the play area and placed some place safe but perhaps isolated (in a playpen in a closed room? in her own room if we’re at home? in her stroller away from the playground if we’re outside?).

But is this too extreme? From what I have observed, just explaining to a kid this age (between one and two years old) that it’s not nice to hit or push doesn’t really seem to accomplish anything. On the contrary if the disciplined kid is looking for attention (so often the case), he or she seems more than likely to do the same thing again—almost immediately—just to remain in the spotlight a little longer.

I definitely don’t think any kind of physical punishment is the answer—perhaps, ever—but definitely not in this case where we’re trying to discourage hurting another person.

What have been your experiences? What do you do—that has worked—when your kids hurt others? Does anything work? Do kids grow out of this? Is it just a matter of waiting for them to mature? What do you do when your kid has been hurt by other kids? How do you respond to your child? To the other child? To the other child’s mother? If disciplining of some kind is in order and the mother makes no or little attempt at it, do you say something to her?

Here’s another quandry: I find myself feeling angry when the mother of a kid who has hurt my kid doesn’t do anything about it. But when mothers do discipline their children, it feels really awkward to stand by and “witness” it, especially if it involves yelling or something harsh.

Please, any ideas? Share them!