Words From Mom: Mothering Wisdom From the Aged

A while back we had our first in what we hope to be a series of guest posts written by our own mothers. We are now pleased to share the second post in this "Words From Mom" series. This one was sent to us by the woman who at the age of 44, without an epidural, pushed out a 10lb baby girl named Carrie:

I have been reading this blog with interst for a while now. What amazes me the most is that a group of moms with the same interests and values take the time and energy to support each other and share experiences and ideas about the awesome task of being a mother.

I’ve become aware that many of you have read at least some of the myriad of available parenting books or logged on to the multiple computer sites that offer information on every possible question you may have regarding raising children. And, by the way, there are some excellent new ideas and discoveries that are very useful and valid in raising children even though some may be contradictory. I wish so much knowledge had been available while I was raising my eight children. And just so you know, I am seventy-two years old, mother of eight (six girls and two boys), grandmother of thirty-seven, and great grandmother of twelve (number thirteen on the way).

I readily concede that many of the challenges you face today exceed those I had to deal with. But children’s basic needs have really not changed much over the years. What has changed so dramatically is the society and mores of the world in which you must raise those children...children we want to become responsible, dependable, hard working adults with values and standards, many of which are not in sync with the world in which they must live.

Having said all that, I would like to share several lessons I have learned over the years, which I consider to have been the most valuable in raising my nearly “perfect” children (I jest, of course.) You can use your own judgment as to whether or not the things I write are “wisdom from the aged” or “what does she know about raising children in our day?”

Here I go:

1. No two children are alike even though they may have the same genes, are raised in the same home under the same rules. (This gives me a strong testimony of the pre-existence). So you cannot treat them alike. What works for one will not work for another. You can’t raise all children “by the book”. And by the way, there is no one right way to raise children. There are many different “right” ways that will all be successful.

2. Parents do not have to be perfect or always make the right decisions to have our children turn our ok. I attended a parenting class when my children were young which was taught by a child psychologist. After several sessions it became clear that I was really “messing up” as a parent. In frustration I approached the instructor after class with, “How is it that our children turn out to be even close to normal with all the mistakes that parents make?” Then came this answer that was burned into my mind the rest of my life, “Because they do enough things right.” So do enough things right and your children will be just fine.

3. This same instructor taught us about what he called “Lollipop Love”…something that made my children less demanding of my time when I was truly busy. This is the philosophy of “lollypop love”. When your children are playing contentedly and are not making demands of you…you know, the time you try to tiptoe away so you can get something done …that is the time to take a few minutes, sit down and play with him, or just give him a hug and a kiss.(lollipop love) After a short while he will realize that he doesn’t have to misbehave or cry to get your attention. It worked for me!!

4. Now I will contradict somewhat what I said above. Once when I was really busy doing something that was really inconvenient for me to put down, my four- year- old son come running in all excited and said, “Come see! Come see! I really wanted to say, “Wait just a minute”, but resisted the impulse. (I’ll always be grateful for that.) I followed him to see the side hill of our yard covered with bright pink blossoms. The ice plant had bloomed for the first time that morning, and he was truly awed by the sight. If I had put him off, I would have missed sharing that very special moment of excitement with him. Be sensitive to things that important to your children, even if you can’t see that importance.

5. Be consistent! This is self explanatory, but critically important. Children need to know their boundaries and their consequences. And never say anything you can’t or won’t follow up on if the need arises. This gives them needed security.

6. Give choices, beginning at a young age. (This would take another whole page to describe what I mean and how it works, so I will just leave it at that.)

7. Trust yourself as a mother. You’ve heard the lament of many mothers, “I wish children came with a manual.” What they don’t realize is that they really do! It’s a God-given, internal manual found in all mothers. It is called INTUITION. Don’t be afraid to use it and trust it. It will work when all else fails.

8. Last of all I’d like to quote Marjorie Hinckley who said, “FIND JOY IN MOTHERING.” This is the best advice of all.

Keep up the good work, mothers! Because you care, you cannot fail.