17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.
 

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Lessons From My Father, Part I: Money Harmony With Your Spouse

When my father passed away six years ago, my mom was left in a financial crisis. Not the kind of crisis you are probably envisioning. My father left her with plenty of money. Probably more money than her thrifty self will know what to do with for the rest of her lifetime. For her, the crisis was that she had no idea WHERE their money was kept. Aside from their checking account, the money could have been kept in a Swiss bank account for all that she knew.

My dad had a talent for investing money and ran his own finance-related company. Handling money was his strength, so my mom let him make all of their financial decisions. The months after my dad's death were a real-life treasure hunt to recover all of their accounts. It took over a year and a few expensive lawyers to track down all of the money. My mom felt grateful to be financially independent, but equally terrified at the prospect of managing this money for the first time. I think she also felt vulnerable and alone. And for good reason. She suddenly had lots of "friends" more than willing to help her with her finances. She didn't know who she could trust.

I am really proud of her. My mom took a financial management class and read lots of books on wealth management. She found a great financial management team using the knowledge she had acquired and learned to trust her instincts. For my mom, a 19-year old bride and a 44-year old widow, it was a great first lesson on learning to live independently.

I learned an important lesson through watching and supporting my mom through all of this.... it is REALLY important to keep a constant dialogue about money running in your relationship. Not just in case one of you dies unexpectedly, but for the sake of marital harmony.

I feel like DH and I are in a good place with our money. We're always wishing there was MORE of it... but we act as good stewards over what we have, communicate well and generally avoid money-related fights. Here are five rules we live by:

1. Define Financial Responsibilities. In our house, DH keeps the checkbook balanced and up-to-date and I handle our investments. I like to think strategy and he prefers details, so it works well for us. It doesn't matter who does what...but only that it is established, so the work gets done.

2. Keep Each Other In-The-Know. Being an MBA geek and a generally anal person, I instituted formal financial meetings in our house so that DH and I could stay on top of our finances. When I discovered that DH had tucked the sports page under my carefully prepared meeting agenda, I decided on a more informal approach to our financial discussions. Now we just have quick chats over dinner or before bed. The main principle here is to meet periodically and have an open discussion with your spouse about your finances. Such a meeting might include updating each other on changes to your accounts, setting and tracking specific financial goals, and making any other financial-related decisions TOGETHER.

3. Set and Track Financial Goals. Working together to reach financial goals is extremely rewarding in a marriage. I can still remember the feeling of sending off DH's final student loan payment and realizing that we were completely debt free. We did a happy dance in the streets of Queens that day!

Essentially, when you get married, you are entering into a financial partnership. You and your spouse can grow your very own empire through saving and investing your money. Obviously, this isn't the most important work you will do in your marriage, but having a financial plan will help you accomplish a lot of these more important things you will do together.

Sit down and make a list of short-term (within five years) and long-term financial goals with your spouse. Short-term goals may include buying a new car or home, starting a business, that post-baby boob job (sorry to tease, DH, I really meant to say lasik surgery), or a taking a big vacation. Long term goals might include sending kids to college and on missions, retirement and travel. Next, make a reasonable plan to reach these goals. Obviously, you aren't going to be able to save for everything at the same time, so prioritize.

Saving for your retirement, however, should be your first priority (I will cover this in more detail in Part II). This is because it is going to take a hell of a lot more money than people our age realize to have a comfortable retirement and also because you can take part of your tax-deferred retirement savings to help finance a first home or even your children's college education.

4. Understand Each Other's Relationship with Money. Are you a spender or a saver? What is your spouse? Really, any combination of spenders and savers can present problems in a marriage. Two spenders in a marriage can create out-of-control debt. Two savers may make life very boring. And having one of each in a marriage may create conflict. The key is to try and understand your spouse's relationship with money (it can usually be traced back to their childhood), openly communicate, and set limits/compromises with each other to avoid debt or conflict....or boredom.

DH and I are "Savers" with a couple of exceptions. He has a weakness for books and music. I love clothes and cool gadgets for my bike. Establishing personal allowances has help us minimize conflict in our own relationship. We get to spend a little cash on ourselves each month without guilt. It works for us. DH no longer has to hear me whine about a thing called the "LIBRARY" where books are "FREE" and I no longer have to hide shopping bags.

5. Set a Spending Limit. This will save you from countless fights over money. For big purchases, set a spending limit, such as $200. If you or your partner go over that limit, make it a rule that you need to discuss the purchase with your spouse before buying.

What other money rules have worked in your own relationships? I'd be eager to hear more ideas.

Coming soon:
Part 2: A Quick Primer to Financial Management and
Part 3: Helping your Children Become Financially Responsible Adults

19 Comments:

  • Thanks for the great advice Jen. I'm afraid most of our money chats happen when dh is feeling stressed because of big checks to be cleared and big bills coming our way. Then I'm all hyper-sensitive about spending over the next month...but he's since mellowed out recognizing we're ok. It's funny, well, "funny". So, more frequent discussions would help. :) Also, I like the idea of an alloted amount of guilt-free spending each month. I often feel guilty, so an "allowance" for each of us would defintiely help that! Alright, that's my 2 cents for now--gotta get baby out of "the crib."
    posted by Blogger Katie at 7/31/2006 06:40:00 AM  



  • Just be rich. Sheesh, you make it all sound so difficult.
    posted by Blogger Rusty at 7/31/2006 01:17:00 PM  



  • I try to tell my husband about our finances, but he has a hard time remembering it. It bores him and doesn't make sense. Plus, he knows that I'm taking care of it all and so he doesn't want to be bothered.
    posted by Anonymous JKS at 7/31/2006 01:39:00 PM  



  • What great advice Jen. This is very important, especially since (I don't have the exact stats) but I think some high percentage of divorce is over money problems.
    Both my husband and I are savers too, which I have always been grateful for. The same approach to money has allowed us to fight over much more insignificant things;) We do like to have a good time, so when that good time comes around, we have the money to do it.
    I have always wondered how I would feel when I wasn't bringing home any bacon. This is my first year as a stay at home mom - so I am not making any money (I'm actually losing it as my 401k keeps taking hits in this market). But does anyone have any tips on how to deal psychologically with not making any money on their own? I am comfortable being a stay at home mom, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to do so, but what happens when I want to splurge and buy my husband a nice gift or something...since it's technically the money he made, how can I feel like it's really a gift from me? Any advice?
    posted by Blogger Melissa at 7/31/2006 01:47:00 PM  



  • Wow, I so admire people who've got it so together financially... me, it makes me hyperventilate thinking about numbers!

    All I know is, I ballance the check book when I feel like it's been too long, we have a 401K that does weird thing depending on the stock markets, and other than that, we have enough for our needs and a few of our wants... Call me an ostrich.
    posted by Blogger Tracy M at 7/31/2006 02:10:00 PM  



  • Thanks for putting this great advice together. I wish I was a saver but, Dh and I are both spenders. I think it's better than one of being a saver and one of us being a spender. I can only imagine that creates a lot of marital tension.

    We are both horrible at budgeting and setting financial goals. Last year Kages dh helped us get on a pseudo-budget (not hard core because we would have failed miserably). It was really great. We were saving, we each had our own spending money, and we were reaching goals. It was truly a blessing because at the end of our first month of really saving, a family member needed financial help and we were actually in the position to offer it freely. It was a nice feeling.

    Then we moved cross country and the budget went out the window. I keep thinking I need to get it back together and your post might be the kick in the butt I needed.

    Melissa,
    When we created our budget, DH and I each got a certain amount of money every two weeks to spend however we wished. We could save it from week to week or spend it as it came. When it came to things like DH's birthday, I cut back some of my personal spending for a while so I accumulated enough money in my budget to get him something special (and he did the same for me). It's nice because it's not just about the gift, I also knew that he sacraficed certain things in order to save the money. DId that make any sense?
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 7/31/2006 02:27:00 PM  



  • Melissa,

    Your questions are good ones. It's difficult when you've worked hard to be an independent person to willingly give it up, even for a great cause.

    I remember feeling exactly like you do after our first son was born and I quit my job to stay at home. I had kept some type of job basically from the time I turned 14, and suddenly I was producing no income and it was hard for me to feel validated.

    I think Carrie's advice is really good. I also think it takes a change in mindset. You and your DH are a team, and before your DS was born, you contributed by working outside of the home. Now your contribution is inside of the home...which we all understand to be extremely important work but unfortunately pays ... Nothing. Once I started to think about DH and I as partners working together to build a family, I felt better about thinking in terms of "our money" rather than "his money." Talking about it with your DH will help too....because he undoubtedly understands your sacrifices and wants you to think in terms of "ours." Does this make sense?

    The birthday and Christmas gifts always bugged me too. The first year, I sold things on eBay and used that money. I probably wouldn't do that now.

    Despite all of this advice, I have to say that working part-time has helped a TON with these feelings of dependence. Even though the money I earn from my job doesn't begin to compare with DH's income, it does make me feel a little more independent and as though I am contributing to, rather than just spending, our income.
    posted by Blogger Jen at 7/31/2006 02:54:00 PM  



  • Melissa, I went through something similar, and I agree with everything Jen said. My advice about the gifts though is to change the mindset about giving gifts. Most of us have a mindset that says "this gift is from me because I bought it for you with my money."
    This only becomes an issue when the money you're spending isn't just yours (or even mostly yours). Then you have to think more delicately about what it is that makes the gift from you, and normally the answer is the thought and affection behind it. Sadly, this makes gift giving harder because to make a gift special no longer means just spending more, it means thinking more and picking more carefully.

    I have had the darndest time trying to change my mindset on this.
    posted by Blogger Starfoxy at 7/31/2006 03:12:00 PM  



  • I think a written budget is important. Ours has the bills we pay every month (rent, insurance, credit cards, etc) and has them color coded as to whether they are paid before or after the 15th. That way we know what gets paid with what payday, and we can check of what's been paid. You're a lot less likely to forget about something that way. It also helps because I've been the one paying bills for so long that dh would be lost without a list to guide him. You hear about widow(er)s all the time who don't know where their main water valve or electric box is, much less the money. It's important to share ALL the info, but finances are certainly #1.
    melissa,
    I too was a worker until kid #1 came along, and I'm just now re-entering the workplace. Before kids I made more than my hubby, so it was hard to to take such a big step back. All I can say is that my priorities changed and I learned to cut corners in some places (cheaper shampoo) so that I could have freedom in others (gifts). I did the budget, so I could find extra money if I needed to. Once the kids came, our perception of needs and division was totally different. Suddenly we were united in the purpose of taking care of our kids so it wasn't so much a "you and me" issue as an "us" issue. That sentence made sense in my head, I swear. It took some adjustment, like anything new, but working together to figure out the balance and responsibility is what made us feel like we were on equal footing again.
    posted by Blogger Mo Mommy at 8/01/2006 05:11:00 PM  



  • Jen, this is FABulous. It took me a couple of years to get in the zone of all this budget stuff, but for the past 3 years I would say I am doing dang good. Meliss, I relate and echo the other comments about "our money" and that is one reason why I am glad I still make some money. One thing we have done the past few years is made our christmas gift a group gift: a trip to Austria, a clavanova (digital piano), I think this year we are getting a new dining set....and that way we both want it, we pick it out together, and it's fun. This also works for us b/c we hate shopping for each other and trying to figure out what the other wants. I always have to tell DH EXACTLY what to get me or he won't get it right, and if I buy DH something he usually hates it or feels bad about how much it cost. we are totally lame like that.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 8/02/2006 10:42:00 AM  



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    Thanks, From Tanisha Devis

    Igberase is my Granfather because he was always there for me when i needed him mostly and he is the reason why i ma happy today.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/01/2013 09:02:00 AM  



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    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/18/2014 10:11:00 PM  



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    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/09/2014 03:54:00 PM  



  • i can't really believe that i am with my Ex-Husband back after when he broke up with me with 4 kids i thank Dr Atakpo of (dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com) for helping me getting back my man back, My Name is Mrs Rhona Cole i am from England and my man name is Mr Alan Cole, my happiness turn to bitterness,my joy turn to sorrow,my love turn to hate when my husband broke up with me last week,i was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, i was so unthinkable and i could not concentrate any more, i love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him broke up with me so that he can be able to get marry to the other lady and this lady i think cast a spell on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for,I cry all day and night for God to send me a helped to get back my man until i went to Westmoreland to see a friend and who was having he same problem with me but she latter got her Husband back and i asked her how she was able to get her husband back and she told me that their was a powerful spell caster in Africa name DR ATAKPO that he help with love spell in getting back lost lover's back and i decided to contacted the same Dr Atakpo and he told me what is needed to be done for me to have my man back and i did it although i doubted it but i did it and the Dr told me that i will get the result after 24hours, and he told me that my husband was going to call me by 9pm in my time and i still doubted his word, to my surprise my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much Oh My God i was so happy, and today i am happily with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one good family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr Atakpo of dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that good spell casters still exist and Dr Atakpo is one of the good spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are there and your lover is turning you down, or you have your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore contact the powerful spell caster Dr Atakpo on his email: dratakpospelltemple@gmail.com and he will answer you, i am a living testimony and i will continue to testify of his goodness in my family,he turn my family to paradise and today we are all happy together Dr Atakpo i say thank you in one million times thanks Dr.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/22/2014 08:27:00 PM  



  • Dr. Telemi is a trust worthy spell caster and he will be of great help to you. I never believed in spell casting but After 4 years of marriage my husband left me because I lost my womb, and i was unable to give birth to children. I felt like my life has come to an end, and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time, but thanks to this spell caster called Dr. Telemi whom i met online after my friend Tracy James told me how he also helped her to bring back her husband in less than 2 days. I believed her and decided to give Dr. Telemi a try and i contacted him on his email Telemisolutiontemple@yahoo.com and explained my problems to him. He laughed and told me that In less than 2 days, my Husband will come back for me again, and that he will restore my womb and i will give birth to children. At first i thought it was a lie but i took courage and believed as Dr. Telemi has said and it did happen just as this Great spell caster said, My husband called me and was crying, apologizing for forgiveness. I forgave him and today i am so glad that all worries and problems has gone away, and we are even happier than before, another good news is that i am pregnant now, and very soon we are expecting our baby. Dr. Telemi is really a gifted and a powerful spiritual man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. I advice you all If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems just Contact Dr Telemi on his email on Telemisolutiontemple@yahoo.com at anytime, because he will always help you to solve all your problems. Once again thank you Dr. Telemi. Thank you, thank you.
    posted by Blogger Rita Smith at 11/17/2014 03:45:00 PM  



  • I never use to believe in spell casting until i met Great Dr Okiriguo a powerful spell caster who helped me to be a happy person again. My name is Gwen Marcus and i reside in USA. After 4 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life was about to end and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a Great spell caster called Great Dr Okiriguo which i met online on one faithful day when I was browsing through the internet, i came across a lot of testimonies about this particular Great spell caster how he has helped so many people. he has helped people to bring back their Ex lovers, some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer, hiv and other sickness, and so on. I also came across a testimony, it was about a woman called Stella, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness and at the end of her testimony she dropped Great Dr Okiriguo's email address. After reading all these, i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and explained my problem to him and he assured me that in less than 48 hours, my husband will call me and beg for forgiveness but i thought it will not work. When he had finished casting the spell, the next day my husband called me and he was begging for forgiveness just as Great Dr Okiriguo has said. This is not brain washing and after the spell has been cast, i realized that my husband love me like never before and the spell caster opened him up to know how much i love him and how much love we need to share. We are even happier now than before. Great Dr Okiriguo is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and a genuine spell caster to solve all your problems contact Great Dr Okiriguo now on
    Okiriguoloveandsolutionhome@yahoo.com he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Dr Okiriguo for your good deeds and may your good and powerful gods always reward you for your good deeds.
    posted by Blogger Gwen Marcus at 11/20/2014 02:13:00 PM  



  • I never use to believe in spell casting until i met Great Dr Okiriguo a powerful spell caster who helped me to be a happy person again. My name is Gwen Marcus and i reside in USA. After 4 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life was about to end and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a Great spell caster called Great Dr Okiriguo which i met online on one faithful day when I was browsing through the internet, i came across a lot of testimonies about this particular Great spell caster how he has helped so many people. he has helped people to bring back their Ex lovers, some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer, hiv and other sickness, and so on. I also came across a testimony, it was about a woman called Stella, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness and at the end of her testimony she dropped Great Dr Okiriguo's email address. After reading all these, i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and explained my problem to him and he assured me that in less than 48 hours, my husband will call me and beg for forgiveness but i thought it will not work. When he had finished casting the spell, the next day my husband called me and he was begging for forgiveness just as Great Dr Okiriguo has said. This is not brain washing and after the spell has been cast, i realized that my husband love me like never before and the spell caster opened him up to know how much i love him and how much love we need to share. We are even happier now than before. Great Dr Okiriguo is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and a genuine spell caster to solve all your problems contact Great Dr Okiriguo now on
    Okiriguoloveandsolutionhome@yahoo.com he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Dr Okiriguo for your good deeds and may your good and powerful gods always reward you for your good deeds.
    posted by Blogger Gwen Marcus at 11/20/2014 02:13:00 PM  



  • I never use to believe in spell casting until i met Great Dr Okiriguo a powerful spell caster who helped me to be a happy person again. My name is Gwen Marcus and i reside in USA. After 4 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids. I felt like my life was about to end and i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a Great spell caster called Great Dr Okiriguo which i met online on one faithful day when I was browsing through the internet, i came across a lot of testimonies about this particular Great spell caster how he has helped so many people. he has helped people to bring back their Ex lovers, some testified that he restores womb, cure cancer, hiv and other sickness, and so on. I also came across a testimony, it was about a woman called Stella, she testified about how his spell made her to be pregnant after so many years of bareness and at the end of her testimony she dropped Great Dr Okiriguo's email address. After reading all these, i decided to give it a try and i contacted him and explained my problem to him and he assured me that in less than 48 hours, my husband will call me and beg for forgiveness but i thought it will not work. When he had finished casting the spell, the next day my husband called me and he was begging for forgiveness just as Great Dr Okiriguo has said. This is not brain washing and after the spell has been cast, i realized that my husband love me like never before and the spell caster opened him up to know how much i love him and how much love we need to share. We are even happier now than before. Great Dr Okiriguo is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and a genuine spell caster to solve all your problems contact Great Dr Okiriguo now on
    Okiriguoloveandsolutionhome@yahoo.com he will help you solve all your problems. Once again thank you Great Dr Okiriguo for your good deeds and may your good and powerful gods always reward you for your good deeds.
    posted by Blogger Gwen Marcus at 11/20/2014 02:13:00 PM  




  • i want to thank Dr Usunorbu of drusunorbuspellhome@gmail.com for making me happy in getting my ex lover back after broken up with me last month,i contacted this spell Dr for help and his work was guarantee that i was going to get my ex lover back after 24 hours, although i doubted his word but i decided to give it a try by cooperating with his terms, i did not only get back my ex lover after the spell, but i was also promoted in my place of work, i thank this powerful and trust dr who helped me found joy in my relationship, and me and my ex who is now my lover again is getting married on the 6th of next month, i am so happy that atleast i am with my lover again after all the pains and stress i being through when he first broke with me, i thank Dr Usunorbu (drusunorbuspellhome@gmail.com) i am so so happy i love my lover so much that i was almost end my life when he told me that it was over between both of us, but i thank the spell caster send by God in heaven to help his people, i am grateful Dr Usunorbu i am proud to know these spell Dr i am happy that he help me with my problems, for making my life see joy and happiness again, i am happy for his kindness, i am so happy,so i decided to share my store on the net so that people will see the good which Dr Usunorbu of (drusunorbuspellhome@gmail.com) has done for me in my life, and if you are out there passing through any condition, or having bad time with your lover,or your lover has broke up with you, do not think than to contact these same spell caster on his email address(drusunorbuspellhome@gmail.com) and you will consider your problem solve. Thanks Dr Usunorbu and i pray you will live long forever because you are so kind and powerful, this is my story from Lydia Claire From Texas United State Of America

    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/17/2015 11:38:00 AM  



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