Trashy Paci

Its official. My DS who is rounding the corner on 2 yrs. is finally kicking the paci habit. We were doing well with his weening. I only allowed him one and only in his bed. Then we went on vacation for a month and he was left in the care of his well-meaning grandmother, who can't keep track of anything. Because of this she bought three more so she would have one in BOTH cars, one in his bed, and one in his backpack at all times. Ever since then, can we say JUNKY?!?! So I have tried to be patient considering it is a real shock to the system to be shuttled between three different states, 2 sides of the family and multiple caregivers. All in the absence of mom and dad. (bad parents!) When we got home it took a few weeks to get back into living our lives and the one thing that was still not normal was his paci habit. Until this week when my beloved son ground his teeth through the tip of the only, and last paci we will ever own.

He brought it too me, not in distress, just confused. I told him it was broken and "all gone" which he repeats as "AH" and holds up his empty hands with a sholder shrug. I cut the tip off and let him carry the rest around for a while. He tried it out and really knowing then that it was broken, never asked for it again and I finally threw it in the trash. The first 2 days were HEAVEN! no hunting for it, picking it up off the subway floors or feeling the panic when I realized I had forgotten it. And the best part was that DS had no problem sleeping....until, now.

All I can say is this must be what it is like for recovering crack addicts. And it is HELL. He is constantly screaming, high strung, and even twitchy at times. He now HATES his bed. He starts to wriggle in my arms when we get to the doorway of his room to sleep. He wants me to rub his belly, sing to him, hold him, rock him. Anything to help him soothe himself to sleep which for the last three days, has been taking hours. He is so tired from staying up screaming that he stares off during the day. His eyes are glossed over and red. This poor baby needs sleep and can't find out how to get it and even when he does fall asleep, that doesn't mean he stays asleep.

There have been countless times that I thought of getting another one, just to bring him relief. But I know it would only be temporary and he would have to do this all over again. So we continue on this path littered with blood curdling screams and tears shed by all. I curse the day I introduced him to a pacifier and will not with my next one. (I will go down fighting!)

I just hope I can stay strong and not replace this one soothing habit with so many others. How do I teach him to fall asleep (again!) without me, a pacifier or, heaven forbid, his thumb!? I am afraid the only answer is to let him cry, (yes, I know it is). But you will never know the pain and anquish of this mom until you come to my house and hear for yourself what it is like listening to the cries of an addict.