"So....Are you headed to BYU next Fall?"

Through most of my senior year of high school, I heard this question from family, friends, and members of my ward.

Turns out, I was much more worried about pleasing those around me and living up to some subjective ideal of a young mormon woman than doing what was right for myself. I tried to make the best out of my four years at BYU and I certainly received a quality education. But if I speak honestly from my gut, I can only say I hated the place.

When my own kids are preparing for college and get this question, I would be very proud to hear them say: “No, it's not really the right college for me.”

Here are some reasons why:

1. Lack of Diversity Among Students and Faculty. Here is a current look at diversity at BYU. The numbers really haven't changed much since I was a student, or even since my parents attended the school in the mid 1970's.

I was especially disappointed with the lack of female professors on campus. I do admit I missed some opportunities to have some highly accomplished women professors, such as Valerie Hudson in the political science department. No matter what discipline my children pursue, it is important to me that they learn from both females and males and have classmates of all races and social classes.

2. Lack of academic freedom. Here is the most recent example of BYU professors gunned down for voicing their opinions. I have no idea why any self-respecting academic would want to teach at BYU.

3. Strong LDS culture clouds spirituality. When I attended BYU in the mid-1990's, EVERYONE wore a CTR ring, toted Franklin Planners to class and owned a mini-triple combination scripture set with their name engraved on the cover. Women checked potential dates for "g-lines" (the line cut across their legs that confirmed they were wearing their garments, thus had served a mission and therefore qualified as marriage material). Most all of the women wanted to date the executive secretary in their ward...what they perceived was the highest priesthood calling given to a student. This student was thought to be the most spiritual and trusted...a man who was definitely going somewhere in life. Maybe this was just the case in the wards I attended, but probably not. You can see where the lines between culture and spirituality get fuzzy in such a homogenous place.

I had to laugh when I spotted a former executive secretary from an old BYU student ward in a Georgetown bar after we had graduated (we had both ended up working in Washington, D.C.). He was drinking and groping a woman sitting at his table. After an initial laugh at the irony of it all, I was sad as I thought about the pressure he probably felt at BYU to uphold his "title" and also sad to think how unhappy he must have been to put himself in such a situation.

4. BYU Guilt. BYU Guilt is administered during Tuesday devotionals by church leaders and professors giving heartfelt and teary talks, as well as in class, at firesides, even in church meetings, and goes something like this: There is a poor farmer in Guatamala paying for your education with his tithing money. You are extremely blessed, and really not good enough to be here. So DON'T EVEN THINK about skipping a church meeting, or arguing with a professor, or walking on the sacred BYU campus lawn, because when you do any of those things...you dishonor that humble farmer.

And you know what? It worked...at least the guilt part. I didn't want that farmer to put my middle-class white a** through college. I wanted his tithing money to go to the church for CHURCH THINGS and for him to be able to support his family sufficiently.

I have never really figured out how much of the BYU admin's tale is true or exactly how much tithing money is used to support BYU. That is better left for another time, another blog, written by people more knowledgable than myself.

5. Lack of independence and privacy. My parents gave me more freedom in high school than I was ever afforded at BYU. DH still doesn’t believe me when I tell him how small my dorm was in Deseret Towers or how I had to live with other women, even when I lived off-campus. Or that men couldn’t have facial hair. Or that my shorts and skirts had to be to my knees. Or that…I could go on and on.

I hope (am I being over-idealistic here?) that I will be able to trust my kids to make righteous choices without making them sign a contract or putting up roadblocks to their free agency. And if they are anything like me, their “rebellious” gene will kick in the minute they walk onto that campus, so it’s probably better if they avoid the scene altogether.

6. The BYU Social Scene....which is limited to a single activity: Dating To Marry. Actually, I have this social scene to thank for my high collegiate GPA. I was seventeen years old when I entered BYU and in no hurry to grow up. Quickly disillusioned by the dating scene, I spent a lot of time at the library studying and up in the mountains skiing, often by myself. Really, though, I’d trade in some of my GPA points for some better college memories.

7. Religion for grades. Religion classes at BYU are graded and count towards your overall GPA. I hated the extra grade stress (some religion classes were a breeze, others notoriously difficult). I learned more and had a much better spiritual experience taking Institute classes during my years in grad school.

There seems to be a pervasive belief throughout the church that if parents don't send their kids to a church-sponsored school, they will "find the ways of the world" and fall into inactivity. It also seems to be a status symbol among LDS parents to send their kids off to the "Y".

I find this very unfortunate. My graduate school experience showed me that studying away from BYU can lead to a much more balanced "real world vs. church world" life. That Institute programs are strong and not inferior to a BYU religious education. That college singles wards can be a positive spiritual and social experience for students.

Can we be the LDS generation of parents to change this perception? Can we send our kids off to good colleges throughout the country and watch them thrive... spiritually, socially and academically? Or am I simply being shortsighted and unfair to BYU, its mission and the lives of many that it has shaped?