Our Little Wonder Child

As in, I wonder WHERE exactly he came from.

He doesn’t really look much like DH or myself. He certainly doesn’t act like either one of us. I KNOW this child came out of me. DH confirms that fact as well. It’s as though he hijacked someone else’s genes through the birth canal.

Not our autistic child, the other one. We understand Noe perfectly. He is just like us. He is quiet, doesn’t like to wake up early in the mornings, and gets anxious in social gatherings.

And then there is…the Other One. Asher bolts out of his crib every morning at 6am. He runs straight to his CD player and demands that we play his favorite CD. This week it is “Dora’s Disco Hits” where he gets DOWN and DIRTY to songs like “Celebration” and “La Bamba” sung in high-pitched annoyity by Dora and Boots. I’m talking head bobbing, deep-knee bends, clapping and shaking that 17-month-old boot-i-licous bum at 6AM!!! After breakfast, he bangs on the front door until I take him outside. Once we are out the door, he shouts at everthing and everyone....the mailman, the birds in the trees, our deaf Vietnamese neighbor, “HELLO????” “HELLO!!!!” Meanwhile, I am still peeling my eyes open and talking myself out of curling up on the sidewalk and going back to sleep. His latest thing is to find our digital camera, hand it to me, and start posing until we take his picture. Not a picture or two....but a whole photo shoot worth of film.

The worst part of it is that because he is such a social little guy, other people assume that I am equally as social, and that I enjoy talking with complete strangers....which I don't. I have even started wearing sunglasses and a bandana or baseball cap to the grocery store...ala fake celebrity...to give the message that, yes, my child will talk to you, but I won't. I miss New York. Nobody ever wanted to "strike up a conversation" in the checkout line or "shoot the breeze" at the gas station. Just give me my damn change and get out of my way, thank you. Customer service is overrated.

Despite the sleep deprivation and small talk with strangers, I have to say that I love (almost) every minute with Asher. As children do, he makes me look at life through his wonder and joy. He softens me. When I am with Asher, I don't worry adult worries, I live in his moments.

I am terrified of raising both of my boys, for different reasons that are also the same. With Noe, I fear that I won't succeed in helping him fully connect with the outside world. That his autism will never loosen its grip, and that he will never achieve his full potential. I see glimpses of this potential from time to time and it is awesome and limitless.

With Asher, I am terrified that he will disconnect himself from the world as his understanding of it increases. Yesterday I took him to a neighborhood playground and he excitedly ran up to a boy (about 5-years old) who was playing cars in the sandbox. He wanted to share in the fun. The boy, however, wanted nothing to do with him and shouted for him to go away. Poor Asher. He cried and cried. The beginning of his lost innocence.

How will my little boy change as he discovers that the world can be an ugly place? That not everyone wants to be his friend, that people (even grown-ups) do bad things. That bad things happen to good people, like his brother's autism and his grandfather's untimely death. And most importantly, how can I, as his mother, help him face the bad and find the good in the world?

My cynical self is pretty ill-equipped for this job. Thinking about Asher and what he needs from his mother has caused me to make some changes in my life. I am actively trying to have a more positive outlook. If I catch myself in negative thoughts, I am learning to replace them or busy myself with something productive. I am trying to keep my voice soft and a smile on my face, especially in front of my boys. I am reading my scriptures and praying more consistently than I have in a long time. Praying for faith and for wisdom to raise these little guys well. But even if I succeed beautifully at all of this, will it be enough?