17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Never Say Never

This is the year I turned the big 3-0. I always figured that by the time I turned 30, I would know pretty much everything, have my life running smoothly and be close to perfection. But if I’ve learned anything in my ripe old age, it’s that I don’t know much. As I reflect back on life, one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is to never say never. Here are a few of the things I said I would never do:

1. Saying no to sex. Let’s face it, getting married in the temple is a difficult endeavor. When you’re engaged, sexual temptation is exciting. It is inconceivable to think that as a married person you might not be as excited about sex. Then you’re married and one day it happens. You don’t have a headache as an excuse, but you wish that you did. And you wonder, “What happened to that frisky girl of my pre-married life?”

2. Regret quitting piano lessons. My mom quit taking piano lessons when she was 11. I quit at 12. She told me I would regret it someday. I knew everything as a teenager and I knew I would never regret it. I would forever love the boy who stole my attention. And now I can’t even remember his name.

3. Breastfeed in public locations. I served a mission in Guatemala. My first Sunday, a woman stood to share her testimony while breastfeeding her 4 year old son. He was huge and her boob was pulled out over the top of her dress, fully exposed. The whole picture was appalling. I swore that even discreetly I would never breastfeed in public. 2 months after having my first child, I indiscreetly nursed him at the top of the Empire State Building.

4. Spanking the child. Can anyone really say they’ve never swatted their child on the behind? My son is still in diapers, so it’s not painful to him and I can count on one hand the times I’ve done it. But I swear it’s instinctive for me because I was spanked by my parents. I was not traumatized by it and it may actually have worked.

5. Losing your child in public. How easy is it “pre-children” to think parents who lose their children in public places are completely irresponsible? We celebrated my son’s second birthday party at a public park in NY. My husband and I were both there. Just when I realized I couldn’t see him anywhere, a nice lady comes walking my sobbing son over to our table and asks if we know this little boy. She reminds us that the week before there had been an attempted kidnapping at that exact park. Great. I still have nightmares.

6. Getting a boob job. Who in their worldly, materialistic mind would want one of these? Maybe me. SO many of my friends and family, especially in Utah, have them and I used to have mixed feelings about it. Until I had 2 children. Now I think that I might feel better spiritually if I’m happy physically. A friend recently told me “Every good husband owes his wife a boob job and tummy tuck after they’re done having babies.” I couldn’t agree more.

7. Be fat. I swore I’d have my baby fat gone by 2 or 3 months. Never lost all of it after the first and I don’t feel that guilty after the second either. I know I’ll get around to losing it eventually.

8. Digress spiritually. We’ve all heard it. If you aren’t progressing, you’re digressing. It’s harder than I ever thought it would be to keep up with the basics-daily scriptures, FHE, fervent prayers…I’m lucky to keep myself stagnant.

9. Let my kid watch too much TV. I do try to limit, but there are days when he watches way too much. Especially with the Tivo. Now I can record programs I think are educational and play 45 of them back to back so I can actually accomplish something and not feel SOO guilty about it.

10. Be a working mom. My mom was a working mom and I swore that I would never do it. She had to support the family for much of my childhood and I never really saw her. When I did she was tired and irritable. I strive to be a good stay at home mom and I’m grateful I don’t have the burden of supporting the family. But it’s a tough and often thankless job. I, like many of my friends and neighbors, look for ways outside of the home to use my talents, find a little self-worth and maybe even make some extra cash while doing it.


  • You rock girl!!!! Thank you for this post as I have uttered EVERY SINGLE "I will never" that you've listed. Life's tough....let's just be honest about it!! :)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/30/2006 02:21:00 PM  

  • Why do I think it is amazing that you breastfed at the top of the Empire State Building??!! My non-mom friends recently commented about a lady they saw in a NYC department store breastfeeding and how they found it "rude". Now that I'm a mom I TOTALLY understand. Hey, when you're a mom you gotta do what you gotta do.

    Since getting pregnant and post-baby I have also muttered "what happened to that frisky girl of my pre-married life". Post-natal sex... UGH! That is a post all in itself!

    Ditto on losing the baby weight as well. I thought I'd be in my skinny jeans by now... yeah right! Why is my tummy still so mushy - pizza dough as Kage says.

    I love this post. It really resonates with me. This is my last year in my twenties so I take all of your advice to heart!
    posted by Blogger Beth at 5/30/2006 05:04:00 PM  

  • The imagery of the breatfeeing mother is so hilarious and scary! I really can't even imagine how shocking that must have looked. My attitude after I became a mom was, Yes I will try to be private, meaning I will try to keep the girls covered. But once I was at a cafe with a friend when my 1st was small and she was laying in my arms breatfeeding while I ate,(which was actually one of the best times for me to get some quiet time out of her) when a rude man looked like he was getting a gander, and I said to my friend "Hey, if hes that hurting that bad to see boobs, then have at it!" I wasn't like as a MOM I was feeling all that sexy. Come ON! They are NOT THAT exciting.

    I am turning 29 this JUNE which alone is kinda freaking me out for the same reasons you said. My LAST year in my 20's? AUUUGHGHGH! And I completely relate to EVERYTHING you posted!

    Sex isllike a roller-coaster that is usally good, sometimes not-so-much, sometimes frequent. Sometimes I am sure my hubby feels like he's waiting in the LOOONG line to get to it. Oh well! He's a sweet and patient boy.

    My comment on the piano lessons, my mom pretty much forced me into almost 6 years of them, and lets just say... I only play jinglebells to this day, and I do NOT CARE! =)

    I am there on the B.Job.. I really do not want to be VAIN. I just don't want to be able to Sing the song "DO your ears hang low..
    and replace it with the word boob. Honestly! Think of all the words.. it really could be scary picture. Mine are heading there FAST. And I also hate that I feel like I am taking off my boobs when the heavily lifting PADDED bra comes off at night.

    Sorry this is so long! This post rocks!
    posted by Blogger Rachel H at 5/30/2006 08:02:00 PM  

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
    posted by Blogger Jen at 5/30/2006 08:25:00 PM  

  • Krista,

    I like the list. I am completely with you on the piano lessons and the sex (weird sentence). I would add to my list - giving my kids bad foods. I did pretty well for the first couple of years... tonight my boys ate hot dogs and corn (that was their veggie) and drank way too much juice. It isn't this bad every night, but some nights it is.

    I don't think I could do plastic surgery....although after two kids I am not militantly against it like I used to be. Surgery means long recovery time, hospitals, risk....not worth it to me, although I'd love the results in pill form please.
    posted by Blogger Jen at 5/30/2006 08:30:00 PM  

  • With all y'all gals. Every one of them. I had the boobs done (smaller, not larger, and I'd do it again tomorrow for how great I feel- I'm 33).

    The funniest thing? My husband read Kage's post, and now comes in when I'm getting out of the shower or changing, and says, with a wry grin, "Hellooooo Pizza Dooooough!". My poor thrice extended tummy will never recover, I'm afraid!
    posted by Blogger Tracy M at 5/30/2006 09:34:00 PM  

  • Krista:
    #1: For some reason I am saying yes more....but I think I was dysfunctional in the beginning
    #2: I too regret, but I did make up for some lost time in college, and I recently purchased a clavinova, so I enjoy practicing.
    #3. I was so freaked out by photos of people breastfeeding in those books at the store, and now I could really care less who sees me.
    #4. I have spanked probably that same handful of times, and always in complete animalistic moments of desperation, like Pukey has made herself puke up her amoxicillin, AGAIN.
    #5. I lose my child every time I am at that playground, thank goodness the other tales moms try to keep an eye with me.
    #6. Mark this down, I will NEVER get a boob job unless I have cancer and want some reconstruction. In my life the boob job=male shovanism (sp?)...but that's just my experience....I am ok if YOU get one...just not me.
    #7. You are not fat.
    #8. Yea, this is a hard one, but actually having kids has made me more diligent, I feel I need to set a better example, so we pray a lot more than I used to on my own.
    #9. Well, I am the president of MFTV, so I am cool with your little ones watching educational programming
    #10. Thank you for reminding me to save my best self for my kids. I get tired and irritable sometimes, and I need to remember to save that extra little energy for them at the end of a long working day.
    PS...you're 30??? I thought I was older than you!
    posted by Blogger Kage at 5/31/2006 04:49:00 AM  

  • HOLD ON A MINUTE... Jen, what do you feed your boys on a good day for dinner? My poor kids.

    Krista I loved your post. I never really had the "I will never" list before marriage or kids and I am so glad I didn't. I sort of just live by the moment. I am grateful to know that you and a handful of other mothers out there willing to speak up have the same fears and opinions, and are struggling to make each day work. 30 isn't so bad Kage, let us know what you think when you get there in 5 YEARS!
    posted by Blogger Zinone at 5/31/2006 12:34:00 PM  

  • z--thanks for giving me 2 extra years!
    posted by Blogger Kage at 5/31/2006 05:29:00 PM  

  • Great, great post, Krista! Thanks for your honesty.
    posted by Blogger sunny at 5/31/2006 06:32:00 PM  

  • Love your list. But the boob job? Tell me your thinking reduction...
    Does anyone NOT regret quitting piano lessons? That is one of my "I will nevers" I will never let my kids quit piano...we'll see.
    The lost child in the park - dad's fault.
    As Kage says - you are NOT fat
    So I have never fed my son anywhere cool like the top of the Empire State Building, but I did feed him in the break/employee training room at RC Willey. Any of you lucky people who don't know what RC Willey is - it's a furniture store with a salesman to customer ratio of 50:1 on any given Saturday. One Saturday my husband and I were buying a TV. We were close, but then my son got hungry. "We gotta go" I said (I am still getting the hang of this thing...no fancy schmancy moves like Krista walking around nursing as she cleans the house, answers the door and cooks dinner). These salesmen were NOT going to let us go. "We have couches" they said. Yeah, right. They were not letting us out of there without our purchase, so they took me back into the employee break room, locked the door and I fed my son. Like I said, not as exciting, but definitely would have been on a "I will Never" list had I been able to think of such a ridiculous scenario.
    Great post!
    posted by Blogger Melissa at 5/31/2006 11:57:00 PM  

  • Amen! (ten times over) That was a great read and I just laughed. How true--the irony of life.
    posted by Blogger Katie at 6/01/2006 07:00:00 AM  

  • Okay, maybe I should clarify- I don't actually intend to get a boob job in the near future. I'm just not as opposed as I was even 6 months ago. Each time I would visit Utah while living in NY, someone else would have new boobs. I was thoroughly disgusted at the male chauvinism that was running the lives of these women and forcing them under the knife. Some of my friends were distastefully flaunting them in bikinis while doing yard work all day. Some were pulling their garments down way too low to show them off. Once I moved back to Utah I realized that not all boob job getting women are created equal and there is a tasteful way of going about it; not going Dolly Parton size and remaining modest. You don't have to look slutty to look sexy. And now as I watch my own boobs shrivel away with each nursing moment, I wonder if someday I'll be desperate enough to do it.

    I think my spiritual digression deserves a bit of an explanation as well. My mission president had us write down some of our long term goals as we were leaving the mission. At that point, spritually, I was pretty solid. I could not conceive becoming one of those RM's who didn't continue to wake up at 5:30 to read her scriptures for 2 hours and spend at least 30 minutes per day on my knees in fervent prayer. It didn't last long. I'm one of those "all or nothing" types and if I'm not doing amazing things, I feel guilty about it and do nothing instead. I'm nowhere near where I expected to be 8 years post-mission. But I'm becoming more realistic about what I'm capable of accomplishing, I just have to avoid looking at my list.
    (Also included on this list was a goal to be winning mtn. bike races by my 30th b-day. I haven't even been on my bike in 4 years.)

    Oh-Jen, I too would love to know what your kids normally eat. A hot dog AND corn sounds pretty nutritious to me!

    And yes Kage, I am THAT old. You are confusing being TALLER than me with being older than me. Are you trying to rub it in again?

    Speaking of educational programming...has anyone seen the Doodle Bops? Ugh, I can't stand them and they should NEVER claim to be educational. For some reason my son thinks they're cool. Of course, he also likes wearing tutus and tap shoes while in my mom's dancewear store. I think my husband may divorce me.
    posted by Blogger Krista at 6/01/2006 09:31:00 AM  

  • Wow, I can relate to just about every single "never" listed here!

    And I'm glad to not be the only woman who developed a mooshy belly or love handles after having a baby. (How is it that I'm back to my pre-preg weight yet have this big flabby waist and huge-yet-not-attractive chest now?!)

    I thought I'd not let Joseph have sugar until he was at least one -- nope, didn't happen. I also thought I'd keep him from caffeinated sodas until age 12. Nope, too late. And how does a mother get ANYTHING done unless Little Einsteins is on to keep a busy toddler's attention?
    posted by Blogger Squiddy at 6/01/2006 04:04:00 PM  

  • Krista--I can't stand the Doodlebops either! My kids aren't hooked, thankfully, but they don't object to them either. I always try to change the channel.
    posted by Blogger Katie at 6/02/2006 05:29:00 AM  

  • I hate the doodlebops, but lets face it, if I had auditioned and got the part of Deedee, I woulda done it.

    Sorry...not trying to RUB IN my height. And I too agree that hotdog and corn is a great meal.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 6/02/2006 05:46:00 AM  

  • Ok...let me clarify. Maybe hot dogs and corn wasn't the best example...but let me just say that I grew up in a house where we ate a lot of white bread and processed foods, and that is something I wanted to change in my own home. But it isn't going as well as planned.

    Krista, I'm really curious about this Utah boob job phenom....I never would have guessed it would be a fad in Utah....or are there a few things about Utah life that I'm missing?
    posted by Blogger Jen at 6/02/2006 08:38:00 AM  

  • I too can identify with just about everything that you listed.

    I also said I would never let my kids wear costumes out of the house. Well, that didn't last very long. Maybe cause I realized that it really doesn't matter that much.

    And Jen, the boob-job phenonenom in UT is pretty crazy. I can totally understand getting a little lift after having your children. You know, restoring what you used to have (+ a tiny bit more if it were me). But there are a lot of girls getting them as H.S. graduation presents.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 6/03/2006 08:57:00 AM  

  • I am relieved to read this. I have never "blogged" or chatted online. I hope this is still running.

    I spanked my kids tonight and feel really bad about some of the things I said. I hated being spanked and yelled at by my parents and still remember the hurtful things they said. They were hurt and humiliated as was I. We all cried and called off tonight’s activities so as not to take our drama public. I have not told Daddy yet. I think it would only embarrass them more. As an adult I am ashamed of losing control. As a mother, I am worried that it will happen again and what the consequences will be.

    As for boob jobs, shaky libido and body image I guess that will be on tomorrows agenda of worries and woes.

    I share so many of your feelings and concerns but right now the most important one is making a strong and lasting bond with my kids.

    I am so worn out from everything.

    30 in Western New York
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/09/2008 06:42:00 PM  

  • 30 in NY - Hang in there. You are not alone. Please come back often and join the community of imperfect moms.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 6/09/2008 06:59:00 PM  

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