17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.
 

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Womb Envy

I'm messed up.

I sort of have womb envy.

Yeah, and since the whole wombage thing is not going to happen for me, I go shopping instead, and try to fit into low-number-sized clothing that have a definite WAIST emphasis.

And I buy a little something and I feel better. It's a little problem I have right now. Thankfully, most of the time, I am buying sale items, but still, on sale at Anthropologie = not really on sale. Although, yesterday I got something basically free....a skirt for $9.95, I mean come ON.

So, aside from the new shopping addiction to "fill" my empty womb, I find myself being overly critical of all new mommies around me.

And my latest criticism is the baby's running around (ok, they're not running b/c they are like BRAND new), without onesies on. I sit there in church and watch these brand new babies with their bare legs and their shortish dresses and their diapers all hanging out and no hats on their heads or blankets on their bodies, and I want to know: WHERE IS THE ONESIE?

So. I asked a friend of mine, who has a less-new baby...."Am I like old fashioned that my baby's had a onesie on every day (save hot summer days if they were old enough), and that this daily wearing of the onesie usually happened until they were age 2?" And she informed that indeed, that is not the norm.

BUT! If you put your child in a onesie, they have an extra layer, and if they have some leakage of the diaper, often you only have to change the onesie and not the whole outfit, AND....it's just a cozy baby thing. Our church building is also frigid even in the middle of the hot, hot summer, so when I see the baby's bare backs because of the way someone is holding them, I start arguing in favor of a onesie, in my mind.

My mind. The place where it is all tangling up. I know there are a million different ways to be a successful parent. I know that I have made plenty of mistakes being a parent, and that my way is not the only way. I know these mothers and fathers love their babies. It does not matter who has a onesie on and who doesn't. But the messed up part of me that is not healed by the shopping, gets obsessive and frustrated and stupid. And I try to turn the brain chatter off, but it only works while I am in the dressing room trying on clothes.

Maybe I should call Dr. Robin.

29 Comments:

  • Do you have womb envy like I have womb envy? As in you are trying to actually fill the womb with a baby but are facing some second infertility? I only ask because I'm curious, not because you shouldn't have womb envy either way (everyone is entitled to womb envy!).

    [And babies should definitely be in onesies; not just because of warmth, but because of effort! Onesie's are the easiest to work with and take no effort what-so-ever. I'm with you on this one!]
    posted by Blogger Cheryl at 10/28/2008 05:02:00 PM  



  • Generally, my baby has a onesie on. Because I'm vain and think a diaper hanging out looks bad. And cuz the clothes she's wearing were summer clothes for the baby who wore them before her and she needs sleeves being up in northern Utah.

    However, I am HORRIBLE at remembering to put socks on her. Church I can generally remember, but usually she is barefoot. My argument is that she doesn't need them at home and when I got somewhere, it's kind of a get-out-the-door-as-fast-as-you-can-before-naptime-creeps-up-again since the time between a meal being finished and naptime seems to disappear so quickly. So she runs around with bare legs.
    posted by Blogger Mrs Snaggle at 10/28/2008 07:41:00 PM  



  • If my 4 and 5 year olds could live in onesies I would let them. All Hail Onesies. My kids used them till 18 months. Love 'em. Kind of weird not using them.

    I'm glad that you're talking/writing about what is going on in your head because it's healing and it gets it out. It's OK to have "womb envy". You are welcome to focus some attention on my adoption if you would like - would that help?!
    posted by Blogger Chloe at 10/28/2008 08:37:00 PM  



  • I have had the hardest flippin time finding little girl pants that button on the legs, so adding to fastening a onesie the trouble of trying to pull pants back on a wiggling baby while chasing two other kids with NO husband to help because he's in Iraq...frankly, it makes me hate onesie's.
    Summer babies are onesie's ONLY around here, and I think dresses and skirts are a different ballgame altogether, so there are exceptions to every rule I guess...
    posted by Blogger Mo Mommy at 10/28/2008 09:16:00 PM  



  • My family made fun of me for constantly putting onesies on my oldest. I did it anyway, but yeah, I think they're headed out now. One more layer to deal with before that diaper change.

    I still like them, though, as outfits unto themselves when necessary.

    I don't understand the womb envy either....are you having problems getting pregnant, or is it the old "I want another baby but I don't" thing?
    posted by Blogger The Wiz at 10/28/2008 10:24:00 PM  



  • wiz, cheryl...

    I thought I had posted about this, but maybe not.

    At the beginning of the year I was trying to get pregnant, planning on having a baby in November...my history indicates pregnant on the first try, so I know not to really try unless I am really ready.

    I did not conceive before I suffered a grand mal seizure in March that resulted in some frontal lobe brain damage and a diagnosis of partial epilepsy.

    I have done a lot of research on pregnancy and anti-seizure medicine, and I don't feel great about the risks involved with a medicated pregnancy, especially after I have been blessed with 2 healthy pregnancies and children.

    Also, I have a lot of fears about caring for an infant with the threat of a seizure hanging over my head. Mine are under control, but hormones have a huge affect on seizure activity, and we all know how that goes with the whole pregnancy, nursing situation. How will I carry that baby anywhere, drive it in the car, ride the subway without forcing her to wear a helmet or hiring a constant companion to hold the baby instead of me?

    So....now is not a good time, and it is a daily struggle to be ok with the now, even if that means my status never changes.

    I am open to adoption, save for the expense and the whole caring for a newborn fear....however that would be much less as I wouldn't be affected by hormones, so chloe...yes, watching your journey closely.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 10/29/2008 05:23:00 AM  



  • I put a onesie on my baby with dresses (unless the outfit comes with some kind of bottom piece to cover the diaper) because I think it looks white-trashy otherwise. But then maybe I'm old fashioned (I'm 36).

    In fact, I prefer the kid to be wearing a onesie at all times, because [yuck alert] if she just has an untucked shirt and pants, she has been known to put her hands down the back of her diaper and pull out the diaper contents.
    posted by Anonymous VeritasLiberat at 10/29/2008 06:10:00 AM  



  • Onesies are my best friend. Keeps the cheap-o diapers I buy from showing, keeps the diaper from sagging and keeps leaks contained. My son is about to turn two and doesn't fit into onesies anymore and I'm totally bummed out about it!

    Sorry about the womb envy and the seizures. :/
    posted by Blogger Ashley at 10/29/2008 06:18:00 AM  



  • All hail onsies. I make special trips to a Carters outlet to get bigger sizes and the often illusive long-sleeved white ones.

    Feel for you on the envy and criticism. I too am guilty. I can't soothe it with wearing small sizes, but the kids I have are superior to all others ;).
    posted by Anonymous ESO at 10/29/2008 07:17:00 AM  



  • I too love onsies, and my big 32 Lb almost 2 boy wears onsies too, Carter and gerber both make bigg 24 month ones that fit. They are great for winter and undershirts too!
    No you are not the only one. I get mad when I see a newborn baby in a onsie and she isnt covere up in the winter, and they are in the freezer section of the grocery store.
    Onsies are cool!
    liz
    posted by Blogger Memmott Family at 10/29/2008 07:37:00 AM  



  • Living in Arizona with my 6-month old, for us it's usually either just a onesie, or just something else (pants and a t-shirt or button-up shirt). I don't usually let him hang out in just his diaper when we're in public, or just a shirt, though we do that at home sometimes when he's extra poopy and needs lots of diaper changes, or has been spitting up a lot until I'm sick of changing his clothes.

    There's a lot more shirt/pants sets at the stores now. The thing that I don't get though, is the overalls with a shirt for little babies. Overalls on kids that small should come with onesies, in my opinion, because the shirts quite simply don't stay tucked down. At least, they don't with my wiggly, wiggly boy.
    posted by Blogger kadusey at 10/29/2008 08:13:00 AM  



  • I knew about the seizure, but I didn't know you were trying to conceive before that. If I had been thinking more, I would have realized that, duh, of course you're on medication that would complicate getting pregnant immensely.

    Sorry for my lapse in recall, thanks for clarifying!
    posted by Blogger The Wiz at 10/29/2008 09:57:00 AM  



  • I say yes to onesies for diaper-wearers in the fall-winter-spring, no in the summer. Unless the entire outfit is a onesie or it's under overalls. It's just too hot with an extra layer.

    My son wore a onesie until about 16 months, but that also coincided with the season change--summer began. Probably would have lasted longer otherwise.

    I agree with others, onesies are a must under dresses and skirts if there's no little panty thing. I like tank-top onesies for girls also. As it is I have a hard enough time seeing the tops of diapers stick out of pants.

    At home it's a different story. I am totally fine with letting my almost-2-year-old hang out in just a diaper at home.
    posted by Blogger Eliza at 10/29/2008 10:35:00 AM  



  • Aww, don't feel bad- I am not medicated and I feel "crazy" sometimes just trying to get along!!

    But I am layering our little bird in onsies ESP. now that it's getting chilly out. IN the summer no onesies unless it's only a onesie. But she will never have a naked diaper!!I heart cute diaper covers!!=)
    posted by Blogger Rachel H at 10/29/2008 11:21:00 AM  



  • Kage,
    i'm a close friend of Chloe. please feel free to email me if you'd like. My BF from High-school suffered something similar and she had 3 beautiful and healthy girls through that time.
    all best wishes to you during all this...
    saxeliz
    posted by Blogger saxeliz at 10/29/2008 11:50:00 AM  



  • Kage-
    What Wiz said. I guess I didn't put it all together, either. I mean, I knew about the seizures and I had seen posts where you weren't sure if you wanted to have another baby, but I didn't put it all together; now it all makes sense.

    And just fyi, I conceived on the first try with my first three. I figured it would be cake for the fourth (like you had thought for your third), right? Nope. 5 months= nothing. And then I miscarried at 10 weeks. And then we had our fourth. The fifth one? Like I said, we're still hoping...going on month #7 now...

    I'm glad you are feeling better and I hope things (baby-wise) come together, too. Good luck! :)
    posted by Blogger Cheryl at 10/29/2008 01:38:00 PM  



  • I thought everyone wore onesies also. At least until 18 months. Krista and I even started a business based on that theory, thank you very much.

    When I was in the womb envy stage I wasn't as critical of other parents, more of pregnant women who would complain incessantly. I am sure I did the same, but it is no fun to hear someone complain about getting fat when you would give anything to be fat (with child).

    Regarding onesies - start a onesie movement Kage! You could do it! Just be sure they all know about the really cute warm ones on the market;)
    posted by Blogger Melissa at 10/29/2008 03:00:00 PM  



  • melissa, maybe I'll wear a onesie on Sunday...oh wait, I sort of already do, especially when I wear knit dresses....catch me? ; )
    posted by Blogger Kage at 10/29/2008 03:33:00 PM  



  • Kage,
    I totally feel you about the womb envy. I have a case of it too, and as irrational as it may be, I also sometimes get a little irritated (for lack of a better word) with pregnant women/new moms. In all honesty, I can say it is because I am just jealous...because they have something that I don't have, something that I want (I struggle with infertility...). I think allowing yourself to be a little down about it sometimes is okay. You are entitled-- I just hope you are able to score some sweet deals during your retail therapy!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/29/2008 04:12:00 PM  



  • Kage,
    First of all, you are the mommy advice QUEEN and you can borrow my baby as soon as you get your butt to Chicago. (I know it's not the same...). Secondly, as a new mom, I'm trying to figure out the whole onesie thing. When we say "onesie" here, are we talking about a one-piece snapping device, or the little t-shirt snappies that go underneath the "outfit?" I just started putting Munchkin in them a few wks ago because it started to get cold. I assume the primary purpose of the onesie is extra warmth? I will say that it makes diaper changing THAT much more difficult--esp with a boy. Take the pants OFF (or at least down), unsnap the top layer, unsnap the bottom onesie, change diaper, repeat in reverse (and remove socks if it's poopy). Yikes.
    posted by Blogger HHRose at 10/29/2008 05:40:00 PM  



  • Kage,
    Thanks for posting on this, as I know a lot of us moms struggle with womb envy. My husband and I got pregnant very quickly when we tried for our first, and unfortunately, it ended with a stillborn baby at 7 mos. After that, I wasn't sure I wanted to have another, or even try to have another. But nonetheless I would silently criticize every mom-to-be or new mom around me, just because I thought I could do a better job than all of them, if only my baby was still with me. Then, it was made worse when I couldn't get pregnant with my third. I think all women have womb envy during infertility, whether it's just not happening in a medical sense (like me with #3) or also if Now is just not the right time, for various reasons (like you).
    And, I totally support the 24/7 onesie theory! It just keeps everything neater and warmer and all around better.
    You're definitely not alone in all of this. Just know that while you're silently criticizing the mom of the non-onesie-wearing baby, there are probably 5 or 10 other moms doing it right along with you. ;)
    posted by Blogger Evie Parks at 10/29/2008 06:46:00 PM  



  • i am a big fan of onesies. i consider them the "undershirt." so yes, sometimes my baby does have on 2 tops that need unsnapped. i also hate having the pants that snap, so i prefer pull on pants, much easier in my book.

    my SIL has been on seisure medication for a long time and she has 5 kids. she was really worried about taking the medication while pregnant and so she was only taking half the dose. bad idea. she ended up having a mild seizure. baby turned out beautifully and she is in great shape.

    Good Luck.
    posted by Anonymous Wendy at 10/29/2008 06:56:00 PM  



  • I definitely have womb envy. Before I adopted my first, when I was childless for many years, I was VERY critical of other mothers. Having kids of my own has cured that! (Talk about a big dose of humility!) But I still have a hard time dealing with pregnant women, and it's just because I'm jealous.

    However.... I don't ever put onesies under my babies' clothing. It just looks way too warm to me (and I'm a cold person by nature). In the winter I wrap them up in a blanket or make sure they wear warm outfits or something. But never onesies.

    I do get bugged to see babies not wearing socks, or babies in sundresses in air-conditioned buildings.
    posted by Blogger Lisa at 10/29/2008 08:22:00 PM  



  • Onesies with everything. I won't let my kid wear a t-shirt without a onesie under it, so he had only adorable onesies this summer! I hate seeing -especially newborns- babies who's backs are showing when someone picks them up. Come on! Put another thin little layer on them so they are more comfortable (not just warm) and look better! I have lots of white ones ready to go under the long-sleeved shirts this winter (until we get to California, then probably just the long-sleeved onesies my mom got us at DI that are awesome). I had womb envy when it took a few months to get pregnant and no one knew we were trying to they would tell me Someday when we wanted a baby we would have one (also everyone related to me telling me they practically got pregnant when they thought about having a baby) Go onesies, we are all thinking it when we see a onesie-less baby.
    posted by Blogger John and Chantalle Bishop at 10/30/2008 07:35:00 AM  



  • Oh please don't become that annoying, old NYC woman who constantly told me my baby shouldn't be out, should be wearing a hat, was too cold, was too hot, etc, etc. :)

    As for onesies, my first wore them a lot, I had a whole set of undershirt tank onesies from Europe that I just LOVED. Number three hardly ever wears them under things - but wore them as an entire outfit during the summer. Maybe it's because I don't have the tank ones anymore, maybe because I am too lazy to add one more layer of clothing or maybe it's just because it's so warm here that it doesn't make sense.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 10/30/2008 10:37:00 AM  



  • I didn't realize people have such strong feelings about onesies?! I try to layer my baby with an extra blanket or maybe a little jacket, but I don't layer onesies - and she hardly ever wears socks b/c they don't stay on her feet anyway (I live in LA - it's still in the 80s and 90s). Obviously I try to keep her warm and comfortable though.

    I know that you're saying the onesie obsession is just a result of your womb envy. I did have womb envy after my miscarriage. I don't know... that's a hard one. It's just hard to deal with those feeling of wanting your family to grow but not being sure if it's the right time. There were a few comments about women on seizure meds that had healthy babies - maybe you should try to get in touch with them or do even more research/soul searching about it?
    posted by Blogger Beth at 10/30/2008 01:29:00 PM  



  • Kage,
    I really feel for anyone with a loving home who wants a baby and can't have one. You are a great person and I hope you can find peace on the tougher days. Big hug from me.
    posted by Blogger Katie at 11/03/2008 03:30:00 PM  



  • I am a huge onesie gal-because I think it makes them look more put together. Also it cant be comfortable to have pants that cut into that little tummy-I mean would you want your little belly hanging out while trying to crawl-carpet rash anyone???
    I have lost two pregnancies-right after the other plus having my right tube removed (false ectopic)that was really frustrating, and it took 2-3 years before I was able to have another child-it was a really difficult time for me too. I fasted and went to the temple and it really helped my heart to heal-I felt so loved and that everything would be okay. I know He can do that for you too.
    posted by Blogger Arin at 11/04/2008 09:21:00 AM  



  • I would cute those parents some slack. Especially in church. Being a mom or dad is hard enough w/o all of the judgment that sometimes comes from well meaning people. Unless you know exactly what challenges they face (getting laundry done, rushing to get ready to church, single parenthood, lack of extended family support), I wouldn't let it bother you.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/05/2008 12:13:00 PM  



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