Bringing Out the Worst in My Child

I’m beginning to fear that something about my parenting style brings out the worst in my daughter.

It seems that she is her worst self when I am around and her most angelic when in the care of others. We spend a lot of time together. I’m a full-time stay-at-home mom with very few obligations that she can’t participate in. So we go everywhere together, do everything together, and spend most all day every day together. So she doesn’t spend a lot of time with other people.

But it’s been a long time now that I’ve noticed an immediate difference between her behavior with me and her behavior when I’m not around. Here’s a common scenario: on the mornings that dh gets up with her, he takes her upstairs (our bedrooms are downstairs) when she wakes up and makes her breakfast. From downstairs while I get ready, I hear her wandering in her play room, playing by herself, singing songs, and being content while he makes her oatmeal. I hear happy conversation between the two of them while he makes her oatmeal. Then I come upstairs. And the whining begins; she pulls on my pant legs begging to “hold Mommy;” she falls apart in little bursts of tears when I tell her she can’t do something she wants to do. When breakfast is over and I’m trying to clean up the dishes she lingers by my legs complaining about this or that.

When I was home visiting my family a few months ago, my brothers and sisters started banning me from the room when they wanted to interact with her, because if I was in the room she wouldn’t have anything to do with anyone else. But if I wasn’t around, she was fine and able to happily enjoy her aunts and uncles. But as soon as I returned, we all had to endure a constant stream of repeated, “Hold Mommy! Hold Mommy! Hold Mommy!”

Obviously, someone would have to really observe my parenting style to be able to tell me if my reactions to her are encouraging this kind of behavior. I try very hard to not respond to her whining and crying, attempting to be patient enough to give positive responses to only positive behavior: not giving in to her tantrums or whining, not picking her up every time she demands it, etc.

But I’m wondering if anyone else has noticed this kind of shift in behavior with their own children—especially when it involves mothers. One of my good friends here—a mother whose parenting style I deeply respect—says that children really are their worst behaved when around their mothers. Being around mom brings out all their emotions and natural tendencies because we are the ones they are closest to and feel most comfortable with. They “let their hair down,” so to speak, when they’re around their moms, just like we—as adults—do with our spouses, often taking out the frustrations and anxieties of work on our spouses at home, while being kind and patient with the people and circumstances causing the negative feelings to begin with. This friend’s children are, in my opinion, very well behaved, yet even she complains that her two-year-old daughter is at her worst when at home with Mom, exhibiting the same kind of behaviors as my dd.

Has anyone else experienced this or heard of this? Am I just trying to convince myself I’m not responsible for this behavior by searching for a reason for it? If anyone else’s children seem to do this—be their worst behaved at home with Mom—how do you handle it? Or is it just part of being Mom, part of raising kids and being the one who is always there for them?