17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Being a Doctor's Wife

I’ve heard it said, “Glamorous is the life, being a doctor’s wife”. I actually used think that would be the case… (I also thought doctors made too much money HA!) My point is what is so glamorous about being a single mom? I have a husband, but the sick and dying keep him away from home more often than not. The week of Christmas he was there over 96 hours. I have always had respect for mothers that do it all by themselves. That respect now reaches deeper as I feel that I have an idea of what they go through. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t rely on Heavenly Father gently talking me through situations. For example, not leaving the kids home alone while I run to the grocery store to get some bread… keep in mind my babies are 20 months and 8 weeks. When the "doctor" is home, it’s not like he’s HOME! He has to sleep or catch up on some required reading or compose a presentation blah, blah, blah. And when he is here, he's not MINE… he is at the beckon call of our daughter who adores him and won’t share. I always knew that this time would be tough, and I would be tested, but my question is when does the glamour kick in? I know there are many of you who can relate. What can I do to not be resentful in this situation? I am so proud of him it hurts. And there is nothing else I would want him to do… but will I survive another day of two crying children, one of which is crying for daddy?


  • Wow, I admire that you've kept it together so far! I've gone crazy with just one baby and a husband who is there quite often. (I still can't figure out how to get a shower every day without leaving the baby to scream on the bathroom floor.)

    I hate when people say, "The Lord knew you'd be the best mother for this child/these children," but you obviously have accomplished something incredible already by making it this far by yourself. You deserve some outside help and if I were in your vicinity I'd gladly offer.

    Motherhood is so underappreciated, I think. Does your husband have any idea of what you're going through? He may not realize, maybe you make it look easy and he thinks you're fine with things as they are. I wish I had a better response for you, but I know my own husband usually doesn't realize what I need, although he's happy to adjust where necessary.
    posted by Blogger Squiddy at 1/04/2006 10:26:00 PM  

  • Tear. I do not know how single mothers do it. I would be in quite a state without a partner, and it sounds like I can include a variety of other mothers in that group too, when their husbands are working a lot. This too shall pass.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 1/05/2006 06:18:00 AM  

  • Leeann, my next post is how to look descent when you haven't showered in days. He he.
    posted by Blogger Zinone at 1/05/2006 07:29:00 AM  

  • zinone, I'm really looking forward to that next post! Even when my hubby IS in town, I only seem to get a shower every 3rd day...

    I have a little bit of an idea of what you go through, though I'm lucky enough to not have to do it EVERY week. But those times when hubby is on a 3 week trip, I have a hard time surviving. I understand the running to the store feeling - at night, when Max is asleep and I know he isn't going to wake up, I find myself having the same conversation in my head. (Though for me it's usually go to buy something chocolate... nothing wholesome like bread)

    I need to take my own advice on this one, since I'm no longer doing this, but one thing that saved me was having Max go to a sitter's twice a week for 4 hours. It was heaven, I could shower or watch TV or actually accomplish something, and I could always cling to the knowledge that one of those days was coming. He was about 19 mos. when I started doing it. And I miss it. Maybe that's something you could arrange for your older babe? It's worth the $. If you need to, go without something else, save your own sanity first.
    posted by Blogger marian at 1/05/2006 11:44:00 AM  

  • Granted that my husband is not a doctor (or lawyer, or salesman, etc) there are times (about 3-4 months at a time) when he would be working 18 hour days M-Sat. and then do all his Church assignments and catch up on sleep on Sundays. I finally figured out a way to allow my girls to remember who the heck their daddy was...

    1)We would take him dinner or lunch every day. We'd only see him for about 5 minutes, but they saw him and he saw them every day.

    2)When my oldest would ask for him I would have her draw him a picture or a letter and we created "daddy's mailbox" which he would check every night when he came home (he LOVED that)

    3) I kept telling myself that it wasn't going to last forever. Of course it sounds like you have to deal with this MUCH longer than I did (my situation happened every year at the same time...it'll happen again this May), but it will pass.

    How awesome for you that you're already enlisting the help of Heavenly Father.

    You'll get through it... :) :)
    posted by Blogger Cheryl at 1/05/2006 09:40:00 PM  

  • My dh works long hours, but nothing compared to yours. I think the biggest difference is the consistency. He is never home during the day and then gone all night. He never works 24 hour shifts or two 24's in a row and then is home for a couple days. He is almost never home before the kids go to bed so I have gotten into a routine that works for me. He is usually always around in the morning when they wake up, so I am able to count on him to either get up with the 3 year old or feed the baby. And he always tries to be around on Saturday mornings to help at the laundromat. So for as much as he is gone, I can work him into my routine because there is some sort of consistency. This is what saves me.

    I am not sure if there is any way you can work out any routine with a doctors schedule, but it is something to think about. It just may take more planning and a little more flexibility.

    I also agree with Marian--having a set time with a babysitter every week really helps. And "This too shall pass" is always a good mantra--your problem is that it's not going to pass quickly.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 1/06/2006 06:51:00 AM  

  • I truly don't know how you survive - what a trooper. AND with a 20 month old and 8 week old. Good grief.

    My husband is gone one week a month traveling and usually once or twice a week is entertaining clients (he's a mutual fund wholesaler for high net worth clients) well past when our kids go to bed. At first his schedule really threw me for a loop but I got over it because 1) there's nothing I can do about it and 2) its his JOB and we are grateful for it, schedule and all.

    Simon (almost 3) is really into airplanes so when dad goes away we talk about how he's on an airplane and draw pictures of where he is. If I know that Sam will be gone for a full day and won't see the kids, I put them on the phone with him. Simon loves it; Sophie is 15 months and doesn't get it yet, but her face lights up when she hears his voice.

    Three things have helped me. One, preschool for Simon twice a week - it gives me a break and allows me to spend time with just my daughter. He loves it...and I love it. Two is a regular babysitter. Sometimes I'll have one come over after school for a few hours until the kids are ready for bed and that's when I"ll run my errands or do whatever CHILD FREE. Then I'm back to put them to bed which gives them the consistency they need especially when dad is out of town. Three, I'll go somewhere with them, get out of the house. We'll hit one of the children's museums, a playground, crash at a friends house for a few hours, just something that breaks up their day and makes them forget that dad isn't around for a few days. This one takes a little extra work and planning, but it has really helped me.
    posted by Blogger chloe at 1/06/2006 09:30:00 AM  

  • I know EXACTLY how you feel. Mine is also a doctor who works erratic hours, has meetings on his days "off", and when he's here he is mowing the grass, or working on work related things. I have 2 children and am very exhausted and frustrated raising them "alone"! I have no family near to help and feel guilty 'using' the neighbors for important things, let alone time to myself! It's a 24 hr day job with no break in sight.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/24/2006 07:54:00 PM  

  • I'm 30, blessed with 4 kids aged between 3months and 6 years.. married to a good man who happens to be a doctor.. but i too feel like a single mum.. no, I feel lonely and unappreciated and full of resentment because ALL goes un-noticed. God help me. I need to keep my SELF in check.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/04/2006 11:17:00 PM  

  • I am just getting a taste of what is to come ladies. My husband is just in his first year of med school and already he is changing into a different person, or as he says he is 'never on a break' he is always thinking of muscles and bones and diseases, so times when I think I have him to myself and he goes into some daze and I feel like I dont even exist in his arms. This is so hard for me b/c we are so close and we have been through so much together..he is my best friend.
    I know that school has to be his number one priority but so should his wife..his new wife at that. He started school only 4 weeks after we have been married so we dont even get a chance to be newlyweds. Am I being selfish?
    He says I dont try to understand what he maybe going thru. He is also not getting very good grades, so that has him down alot as well. I try to encourage him and keep him motivated but I guess its not enough. I guess I have to continue to sacrifice my feelings to support his career. I wish I had a kid so I could have some company and someone to show love and attention to me. well maybe you guys can give me some advice or what I should expect and how to get in the frame of mind to 'become' a doctors wife!
    Wife of a Med-Student
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/30/2006 10:07:00 AM  

  • Wow is all I can say. I am just starting to date a Senior Surgical Resident. And, it has been challenging to say the least. It was good to read your comments. I really need to consider if this is the life I want. I am currently a single mom, so it doesn't sound like I could expect too much to change.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/04/2007 09:59:00 PM  

  • Hello Girls!

    I too am the wife of a doctor. He just began his residency in ER, which is going to be a whole new experience in itself. I was trying to find some "tips" on being a doctors wife, and stumbled in here. To those of you just starting med school, I have learned you need to let them be during this time, especially 1st year. This is as hard for them as it is for you. Try to get a life as much as possible and allow them to study. Sit down once a week and plan out your week. That way you'll both know what is going on. Plan a date night at least 2 times a month. Learn to be flexible and get some really good girlfriends to hang out with. If his school has a spouse club, JOIN IT! I have learned after moving multiple times for schooling, that I must be independent. That was hard for me b/c my husband and I were attached at the hip before med school. BUT, hang in there it does get better.
    I have heard from so many that we are "single" mom's and that is scary to me. It even affects the way I feel about having more kids. The 2 I have are wonderful, but there are days when I can't handle it. I too have no family around, and haven't for the past 4 years. It makes it hard, but that is when you have to rely on friends and your "ward" family, which I am still working on also. I completely agree with Chloe about getting out with the kids, it really makes my day go better and is worth the extra time of setting things up. My oldest will begin Pre-school this year and as much as I hate to let her go, I know it will be good for her and for me to have that break from each other and from her sister. I will admit that I have the same thoughts of running to the store while they are sleeping though HA! It would be so easy...... right?
    posted by Anonymous kim at 7/01/2007 10:57:00 PM  

  • Well, I think somewhere there must be a sign that says I'm not allowes to post here. I am a 21 year old pre med student. I am trying to figure out what it is that I need to do to keep a wonderful life with my future wife (jezz I don't even have a girlfriend yet) and family. I think that medical school will stretch me more than any other thing I can do. I am really excited but very worried about the family life. Any sugestions or comments or sucsess stories please send them my way. Thanks, John Heathcote, johndheathcote@gmail.com
    posted by Blogger John at 7/14/2007 11:44:00 PM  

  • HELP! I am new to all this. My husband is an MD PhD. He recently earned his PhD and is completing his third year of medical school. He is doing the surgery rotation and we barely get to see each other. I'm a professional as well and have to travel here and there for work. People think it is so wonderful to be married to a doctor but I've always been worried about the hours. I feel like I'm on the verge of a major depression in that I never see my husband.

    Can you PLEASE give me some advice on coping with the long hours? I would really appreciate words of wisdom from more seasoned doctor's wives.
    posted by Blogger LT at 8/10/2007 10:50:00 PM  

  • I'm a "seasoned" doctor's wife. I have been for 18 years now. I don't think you ever get used to it. I married a very good man that loves me with all of his heart and treats me like gold but my life as a doctor's wife has seen me fight through bouts of depression, loneliness, and counseling all new to me as I was never this way as a teenager or young adult. We've talked about it many times. He would try so hard to make time for me and call on all his breaks, send me little notes. They were all appreciated but no substitute for nights curled up on the sofa watching movies with the one you love.

    I talk about it here and feel very selfish to even admit these things, but my 2 kids are now teenagers and I basically raised them myself. They have a positive relationship with their Father but our family is not what I had ever hoped for. I waited all through residency, hoping things would be better afterwards. They got worse. I waited again, hoping it would just be a few more years of initial busy work. It has never changed. And now, he tells me how different things will be in about five to ten more years. Here I am waiting again. As much as I love him, had I known what I was headed for, I would have run the other way in the beginning. My friends used to try and cheer me up with a reminder of how much money I have. I would give it all back today for those years back. They know this is true now and never say these things, but I still here it all the time from people that don't know me well. "Your husband's a doctor? That must be nice! You just sit by the pool all day and get to buy anything you want!"
    Nothing makes me angrier inside. But you just put on your smile and carry on.

    Doctors are very special people, that serve the world in so many wonderful ways. Unfortunately, they have to pay a price for this and the price is their homelife. I know many of you have come here for advice and reassurance. I would love to give some if I had any. I think it's important that anyone just heading down this path know the truth that you will spend your life in sacrifice at the cost of fulfilling his dream. Selfish again? I'm sure it is, but I have a right to be. I've spent my entire adult life hiding behind my smile. So much of what you all have wrote here rings so true to me.

    I've always said that I think the perfect doctor's wife would be one that is very career oriented and doesn't want kids. I could see the relationship working perfectly in this case. For a young girl dreaming of being a mother and wife, life will be vastly different from what you envision now.

    God bless all of you that are faced with this issue. My heart goes out to each of you.
    posted by Anonymous Maria at 8/21/2007 02:01:00 PM  

  • I haven't had a chance to read all of those posts, but read a few along the way.... but I am too frustrated now for reading. I too am a doctors wife. There are parts of it I DO really love. I love feeling that as a family we get to help other people. I work in the office, so that I can see my husband a little bit, and I get to stay a little more involved with what he's doing which does help us to stay more connected..... but thats the hard part about it.... our whole life feels like it has, does, will, and ALWAY will completely revolve around him.... and not that I am a person that needs a lot of credit... but the truth is he's the doctor and so he gets all the glory. People do not realize that everytime he goes out to deliver a baby in the middle of the night, I pray for him, for baby and mom to be ok and for the delivery to go well, and then I can't sleep, until I hear from him and that everything went ok. There are too many things to think through right now.... but one of the things that is HARDEST for me (its such a dumb little thing, I know).... is when he is going to be late getting home ... not 10-15 minutes late getting home, but unexpectedly an hour late or even 2-3 hours late...... why can't he JUST CALL and let me know whats going on. Why do I feel like at times (many times) that his patients have an easier time getting a hold of him than I do??? Why am I soooo mad, that while calling to find out where he was .... and I certainly was frustrated when I called... because he is an hour and a half later than expected!!!!...... that rather than giving me the courtesy of 2 private minutes in his office on his phone.... he puts me on speaker phone, while he is in the middle of a procedure, and I don't realize it until halfway through the conversation..... then I feel like an idiot... cause everyone hears what an "insensitive, and non-understanding" wife I am, but they don't realize how hard it is on this end. I don't feel like anything is coming out the way I want it to right now.... but I just needed somewhere to vent so here I am.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/22/2007 04:56:00 PM  

  • I have been a DR wife for the past 14 years. 3 kids, 11 moves, and 250M in student loans - needless to say typical of the First Wives Club. What a joke. Medicine is your mistress. Face it - you can be on vacation, getting groceries, at the theatre - someone goes down - he is going to respond. Whether that family sues you or not. This is not glamour. This is not money. This is being able to have 3 in a marriage. The wife, husband, and medicine. Medicine does not send you a B-Day card or have to loose weight.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/24/2007 09:48:00 PM  

  • Hello all,

    I am the partner of a doctor and I can relate to each one of you. I have been with my partner for 9 years and have witnessed first-hand just what it takes to practice medicine these days.

    My partner is chronically overworked, stressed out and doesn't have any real time to himself. He has let himself deteriorate physically and mentally all for the sake of his practice.

    We recently had a fight because he won't take any regularly scheduled vacation time. He whines about working too hard and feeling bad about not spending enough time with me, but refuses to schedule a vacation.

    If we go anywhere during the year it is to a medical conference. He will take an extra day off from his practice and spend that time with me in whatever city we are in. Not much of a vacation, to be sure.

    I find myself distancing myself from him more and more. This stress of his job has negatively affected his health, and our relationship. I don't see any chance of things improving and feel I need to concentrate on myself and not worry about him anymore. He won't change and I have come to accept that. I just hope he will one day realize that his own health is more important than that of his patients.

    I'm so thankful we do not have children since they would never see him and I would have to raise them myself. Our "child" is a beagle that my partner acquired a few years before we met. The dog doesn't respond to him anymore because he is never around. I have become the dog's master. I guess this is similar to what doctors' wives experience with their kids. I do hope the kids realize their father's love them.

    Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to add a post to this blog. It helps to get put this down "on paper" so to speak, and get it off my chest.

    Thanks to all of you for your postings and to the host of this blog.
    posted by Anonymous hopper at 9/14/2007 09:32:00 AM  

  • I sincerely appreciate the honest words of all the doctor's wives. I'm overwhelmed with the details of the 18yr marriage described by one wife in her posting above. I've had so many questions, that have been aswered by women who are ahead of me. My boyfriend is preparing to head into clinicals, we are planning to get married, but because of the time he may spend away from home i am uncertain that i can handle being away from him. Sometimes i think i should do us both a favor and walk away from our 2yr relationship. This has been such a burden in my heart, i dont bother sharing this part with him because i feel he is already stressed as it is. Ladies do u have any suggestions for me, as for my parents although they like him (between you and me)my mother already suggested that i run the other way!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/04/2007 10:22:00 PM  

  • I wrote 3 years ago.... and nothing has changed only gotten worse. I now have 3 kids. And I truly am a single mom. Even on his days off I can't even ask him to watch the 4 and 2 year olds so I can run to Walmart by myself. Any trips we plan I have to plan and pack for 5 people myself. I do all the 4th graders homework with her whether I'm by myself or not,and deal with the other two at the same time. I never get to go anywhere by myself! Although my husband works many hours he still goes to his TaeKwanDo class twice a week and a yearly weeklong hunting trip. I'm totally frustrated and have become a mother who is disappointed even being a mother. I can't enjoy my kids. It is very lonely!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/08/2007 05:28:00 PM  

  • I am a doctor's wife too, though also a doctor. We've been married for nine years and have two beautiful girls. It's been hard work, tons of craziness and worth every second. We both work for the same organization and I think that makes a huge difference. We practice rural medicine and love our patients and our work.

    My husband has been a doctor for over ten years and me for five. His passion and work inspired me to go to medical school and he supported me all the way. going through what he went through clarified so many things for me.

    I'm not suggesting that wives need to run out and become MDs. Most of my friends who are married to doctors are women who have a strong sense of self and careers of their own. The ones who are married to doctors without those things are the ones I notice complaining the most about the long hours and such.

    just my .02.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/19/2007 06:46:00 PM  

  • I'm 41 and have been married to my emergency medicine physician husband for eleven years. He averages 200 hours/month in the emergency department - both day and night shifts - and I handle all the administrative aspects of his career.

    He is a loving, compassionate and kind person and we have learned over the years to draw parameters of protection around our personal life.

    Yes, he often spends long hours at the hospital, and there are many days that I am by myself, but we make the most of the time we have together, we are on the same page with our values and goals, and we are best friends who take great care of each other.

    Despite the unconventional lifestyle, despite our increasingly litigious society, despite managed care and EMTALA and every other road block being thrown in the way of being a doctor nowadays, I wouldn't trade this life with anyone. This is better than I ever expected.
    posted by Anonymous Karin at 10/20/2007 04:17:00 PM  

  • Wow, this makes me very sad. I've been in a six-year relationship with someone who is now a surgeon. Every day I ask myself where the wonderful person I once knew went and who is this imposter. Things started to go downhill when he began residency last year. We lead separate lives. As I write this I'm wondering when he'll be back from the office. Everything revolves around him - his schedule, his need to sleep etc. He keeps telling me that things will get better, but when? In four years? I want a companion and am sick of explaining why he is not around. I used to think I wasn't being understanding enough. Now I realize (even more so after reading the other posts) that even though I am not saving lives, my needs are just as important! I don't think I'll be dating a doctor for much longer (or ever again).
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/30/2007 02:34:00 PM  

  • Hi Ladies,
    I am so glad I found this. I am dateing a 4th year oncology resident and I am feeling hurt more than happy. It would all be worth while if I felt apperciated but he seems to think that its my "job" to be suportive and if I want to be with him I am supposed to accept the neglict and take it with a smile on my face. Any suggestions to make him see that what I do for him is a sacrfice and not to be taken for granted?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/13/2007 09:39:00 AM  

  • Hello Girls,
    I too am a dr’s wife and have been for almost three years. No Kids but two poodles. I have a job and friends and my dogs. I spend most of my times with my dogs, teaching them and loving them and for me that has worked in keeping me busy however, the loneliness kicks in when I am in bed and I can see him catching up on readings and I feel as if iam alone in my own house, and then when he comes into bed he either passes out and or starts talking to me about mundane things. I feel guilty talking to him if I had a bad day at work and don’t want to stress him. I feel taken for granted and not appreciated. I ask for random compliments so that I feel like iam still loved and then I get a look followed by a “ why are u so insecure”. He flirts with his staff and nurses and then doesn’t give me attention. At times I think he is cheating on me. He has time for “boys night out” and doesn’t see why I feel bad/neglected when he makes little limited time for me. Sorry I needed to vent. Things were bad and then we moved in with each other. I thought that by at least having him come home to me every night would make me feel better. And it did. At least I saw him every night. But as the months went on that wasn’t a comfort to me anymore considering not only did I have to sacrifice my emotional needs/my man for the sick and dying but I also became his cleaning lady. He didn’t get why I would get mad if he was late and god forbid call to let me know. Such simple curtsies’ were beyond him. If any dr’s read this BE ON TIME OR CALL! We already give up so much to support you and feel neglected/unappreciated and don’t have all of our needs filled at least CALL! My husband promised me that once he became staff his job would be 9 – 5 and that he chose to go into medical oncology for the “lifestyle” he has been staff for a year and a half and he still comes home at 8 and then has reading to do or has the sick and dying on his mind. Its not easy, its not sexy, its hard and loanly.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/13/2007 10:10:00 AM  

  • Ive been married to my Doctor for 7 years. I always thought that marrying a dr would be hard but not this hard. I always envisioned my pregnancy as a husband wife team and I thought that by marrying a dr he would be more sensitive to what was going on with my body. This is how it went. 9 months of back aches, a few months or morning sickness and a pager going off during my delivery not to mention the mere 4 days he took off for paternity leave. At the end of the day the last thing he wanted to deal with was my swollen feel and aching back. Lamaze classes. Went to those myself. I was in Labor for 27 hours which gave him time to be with his patients for 15 of those 27 hours. After our son was born he was asleep before dr daddy came home and I got no help in feeding diaper changing etc… I got a nanny which helped but it didn’t help my depression. 2 years later I had our daughter and the same thing occurred. I did it myself. I am not pregnant with out third child ( a boy) and I go to all of my dr appointments alone, get professional massages and raise our 2 kids. I too have fought thru bouts of depression and a neglectful husband. Was it worth it? I can say no. I silently resent him and myself. All of those years dedicated to him and he couldn’t even dedicate a foot rub to me. Our kids always ask where is daddy and I say saving sick people. My 4 year old asked me yesterday if he could get sick so that daddy can spend time with him. My heart broke…….
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/13/2007 10:35:00 AM  

  • Wow...there has been a lot of heartbreaking things said as well as some very good advice given.

    I, too, have been dating a doctor for a year and a half and, although it is difficult in moments, I guess I just make it a point to tell him what is bothering me.

    Communication and respect for each other are our main focus for each other. I used to feel, like some others, that I should keep quiet and not voice my frustration about his schedule, etc. but I learned very quickly that if I continued to be upset about something, the frustration would compound itself.

    I think this frustration revolves a lot around self-respect, too. Maybe sometimes our partners' careers make us feel intimidated...but, in reality, just as you do many things to make your partner happy, they need to return the favor.

    I like to joke with others that being a doctor's partner seems more complicated than being a doctor! :-D

    Good luck to everyone...!
    posted by Blogger Doc's Girl at 12/02/2007 07:46:00 PM  

  • I, inpart agree with Doc's wife. I too have been in a relationship with my Dr for 2 years ( he is in his 4th year residency) and communication does work. It may not change his schedual or avaiabality or need for sleep or me going alone to events but it makes me feel better that he knows. Keeping quiet just makes u build up resentment. I cant say its my ideal relationship. I like going to social functions and I amways go alone, go alone to friends birthdays etc... but I think Ive gotten used to it. It would be nice if he noted my dedication to him etc.. and respected what I do for a living and that dating him isnt easy etc... But no one is perfect. Good luck to you all and my heart goes out to all of you. I know how u feel!
    posted by Anonymous tammy at 12/03/2007 10:37:00 AM  

  • Wow I have to say I am overwhelmed... two years later people are still responding. It is strange cuz I was reading the responses and feeling so bad for all of you and then I was like, wait that is just how I feel.

    I have to say though, I am certainly in a different place now than I was two years ago. A better place? Sure, in a lot of ways. My DH is now working as an ER/Trauma doc at a community hospital here in the valley where I grew up. It is a very well respected group and a great ER. And I am finally home! I really have not been able to wipe the smile off my face since July.

    There have been a whole new set of adjustments that have been difficult, but for the most part his schedule has been cut in half. HALF! He is around alot! It was almost too much at first, cuz I was so used to being alone that I didn't know what to do with him. But it is so nice to have a husband again!

    There is no question that residency is brutal. So for those of you who are in that phase now, I can't sugar coat it at all! It is not for the weak. It is not for a couple that is barely hanging on to begin with. It will test you in ways you never thought you would be tested. And if you have children it is even harder!

    I can say though that it will get better. For some it gets better than for others. We chose ER because we felt that the schedule was one we could handle. I can't even imagine if he had chosen OB or Surgery. For those of you who did, I am sorry! I know that you have it way worse than me.

    I feel your pain anon when you said when DH is late, it isn't 10 or 15 minutes late, its hours. My new adjustment has been when DH's shift is over at 5 he may get home at 10. It sucks! But that is the doctor he is. He cares about his patients and he stays with them til the end. I have had the same embarrassing conversation where I have called him at work to see exactly when he would be home and then was hung up on cuz I was being an insensitive wife who doesn't understand his job. Truth is, I don't understand. I don't have a clue what it is like to be a doctor. If we did perhaps we wouldn't be so lonely and angry. I only know what it is like to be a doctors wife and it is not the life I thought it would be. I know what each and every one of you are going through. I appreciate all your comments it made me feel so much better about myself and my situation. Knowing I am not the only one.

    I also second the sentiments regarding communication. It helps. I am horrible at that, but I am trying. Rather than keep it all in and then have it be too late by the time you discuss it... just talk when you feel alone, sad, angry, confused. And most importantly try to understand where he or she is at in the process. Try to put yourself in their shoes. If you have the opportunity to see him in action, go follow him at work. Do it. I know my DH really wishes I would do that so I can see what pressure and stress he is under. Then perhaps I won't put him under even more stress when he comes home.

    I am rambling, I am sorry. I will end here, but we can keep this forum going and be there for one another. It is great to have a sounding board. Good luck to all of you! I am sorry for those of you who feel lost and don't know what to do. I feel your pain.
    posted by Blogger Zinone at 12/04/2007 10:33:00 PM  

  • I came here looking for help. I have been married to my husband for 1 1/2 years. He is half way through his first year of medical school, and already it is hard. I just want some thoughts on when you think the best time to start having children? I think before residency but he thinks during, when he will be making money. But I think he will have more time for us now. He only goes to school from 8-noon! Help
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/03/2008 06:27:00 PM  

  • The reality is you just have to go thru it. It doesnt get easier. As far as help goes. I had to rely on my friends to occupy my time and my dogs. You have to be supportive of your husband and he has to understand that you have needs too. It gets worse before it gets slightly better honey. Good luck to you!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/22/2008 12:44:00 PM  

  • To the wife of the first-year med student thinking of having kids: I'm married to a first-year resident and we're trying for kids now. We decided to wait until he had a paycheck (however small it may be at this point). We have some friends who had a baby during fourth year med school. In some ways it was great because they had more time together as a family. But it also affected their approach to his residency. As a couple without children, we felt like we had more freedom heading into his residency (not worrying as much about cost of living, moving with a baby, etc.). I'm glad we waited, but I also know that my friends who had their little one in med school couldn't be happier. So it's really a matter of talking through all the scenarios and, specifically, how you're going to approach the residency.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/17/2008 08:23:00 PM  

  • I am a doctors wife that is 42 and worried. What do you do when you know a 20 something nurse is flirting with your husband of 14 years and 3 small kids?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/22/2008 07:56:00 PM  

  • When to have children as a doctor's wife? When you are ready to do it alone. Children are a great source of unconditional love that can be lacking when you are married to a man with a job that is (almost) all consuming. It is A LOT of stress to be the only one who gets up during the night with them, the only one to bath them, the only one who is there to help with homework, and to eat your meals with only the kids. You'll have the joy of the kids' love but it can still be a lonely existence.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/22/2008 08:09:00 PM  

  • I have to say, i was quite surprised to see so many negative comments about being the wife of a doctor. I guess I must be quite naive about the docotr's world, being the fiancee of a newly assigned dermatology resident, who has not been around her fiance long enough to have a clue about the day to day implications.
    I do, however, strongly believe that the supportive wife of such a man is a huge work in itself that while may go under-noticed and sometimes unappreciated is a great and noble sacrifice, that is actually affecting the many many lives that are being cared for and saved by the men whom you support. I know the Lord lets no good deed go unnoticed at the end of the day, and the rewards in heaven will be great and glorious.
    I understand that this must be a very hard thing to go through as a family - having such little time with the man in your life - but if it wasn't hard, it wouldn't be worth it.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/07/2008 12:32:00 PM  

  • TO THE WOMAN WHO IS WORRIED ABOUT THE NURSE FLIRTING WITH THEIR HUSBAND. It unfortunatly goes with the territory. You should take it as a sign of pride that others are intrested in your man. This does not mean that he is being unfaithful to you.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/12/2008 10:53:00 AM  

  • I appreciate that I should feel pride that another woman finds my man attractive. But when she is trying to get his cell phone number to send sexy text I think that crosses a line. (oh, and she isn't 20, she's 34 been married and divorced once)I believe him that there is nothing going on from his side, but my gut thinks this woman knows what she is trying to go for.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/20/2008 02:43:00 AM  

  • As a Physician Assistant and wife of a family practice doc (met at medical/P.A. school), and now am a stay-at-home wife with 2 toddlers (one year apart), I want you to know THERE IS HOPE!! By the way, I would NEVER RECOMMEND having two babies one year apart with a doc husband...unless you have helpful family in town...

    1) Fred Myers has supervised play areas FOR FREE on the west coast (it's Kroger's in the South), and you can get your shopping done while the babies are signed it at the play area. The play area will page you for diaper changes, etc.

    2) Check in your malls for play areas. I love the one where I can come in, read, and the children have the greatest time playing with a big jungle gym, etc. and area perfectly content (starting age 2 yo.) $5.00 per hour (WORTH IT)

    3) I have had bad experiences at "Daycare" with diapering (watch out). I would suggest PRESCHOOL 2 hours a day until they are completely potty trained. Maybe a NAYEC approved church preschool.

    Life starts at that point, especially if you don't have family in town.

    4) Always find a church with a nursery. Heaven-sent!!!

    5) Find a co-op in your town. The collegial friends/mothers found there equals any type of "RESIDENCY or MED/P.A. school club" feeling. And HE will have to watch the children when there are co-op business meetings - or some co-ops have babysitters.

    6) Finally, take your parents to Hawaii or any exotic place where your husband is doing CME. Let the grandparents watch the children while he is doing CME, relax, and have a wonderful afternoon with your husband before picking up the children :-))

    Checking out. Changing pull-ups.

    P.S. Watch out for nurses!! And only give them edibles/gift cards as presents -- and you write the christmas/birthday cards for your husband to sign!!!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/28/2008 08:56:00 PM  

  • To the MD wife worried about his nurse, you might get a pager and ask him to page you when he is "in danger" (when the nurse is flirting). Then call the office and ask to speak with him (usually the nurse gets your call to transfer it to him). Ask her how her day is going, have the children in the background, and let her know you and the children are picking him up for lunch, dinner, etc., and when you are there in the office to meet your husband, pay her (nurse) a compliment.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/28/2008 09:37:00 PM  

  • Need help quickly!!!! I'm engaged to a Cardiovascular Surgeon and this will be the first marriage for both of us. He moved in with me about a year ago and things just aren’t good. The problem is that I don't feel appreciated and I'm so lonely. He feels that I should be more supportive of his career and understanding of why he doesn’t have time for me. The other day he made the comment that his partner’s wives are very supportive and understanding of their husband’s job. Maybe I’d be a little more supportive if he supported me financially, but that’s not the case. Plus, the big kicker is that he has never offered to help pay any household expenses and when he is home he doesn't help around the house at all. Of course he always pays when we go out to eat and pays for part of our vacations. In the past I've done very well financially, but I don't have near the wealth he has. How should I approach this topic with him or am I overacting? I feel like being financially independent is a double edged sword.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/31/2008 01:04:00 AM  

  • I am overwhelmed by all this information. I am recently engaged to my boyfriend of four years who is a first year medical student. I love this man very much. I am already seeing how little time he has for me and I miss his company. I also feel very pressured by all the stress he is under and at times I feel as if my thoughts and emotions are not worth burdening him with. After reading these very helpful and honest comments I am going to take the advice of many of you and focus some more energy into my own life since so much of the rest of my life will be spent alone. I am going to work on furthering my own career and involving myself in activities that I enjoy. I am dedicated to my future husband but it seems that to be a good doctors wife you must also be dedicated to your own life and happiness. Thank you for listening I feel better just writing about this. I know there is a long bumpy road ahead but I will continue to push on and try my best to savor and enjoy the time that I do have with my md.
    posted by Blogger jmt0101 at 3/31/2008 06:12:00 PM  

  • Where do I begin? Dito. To all of those who have posted before me....Life is not easy at all being a doctor's wife. The things you all have said are true. I've been married to a family physician for 5 years. I married at 20 and was as naive as I was young. I didn't read blogs like this before I was married and have struggled for 5 years with the discomfort of an unfulfilling life. I must admit, that prior to being married even if I had read blogs like this I wouldn't have believed them. I would have been just as optimistic as some of you are, thinking all it takes is hard work, strong self awareness, independence, and comfort with being lonely. Sure that sounds good in theory. Wonderful--but even when you take life by the horns you still have to struggle with the darn bull...which surely might take your life. I too have struggled with depression, which was never an issue prior to being married to my doctor. Right now I am completing my master's degree in marriage and family therapy and thinking about kids. I have read the posts from the moms, and I will never have kids with my husband. I am also considering a divorce. For the previous 4 years I struggled with thinking he would change and thinking it would get better next year. I'm too young to suffer in loneliness and to withhold the joy of having children. I refuse to be the sole soccer mom, the only one at t-ball games, or recitals. I refuse. There is a man out there who would love to share those moments with me, but sadly enough I'm not married to him.
    The hardest thing to swallow was realizing that he chooses his patients over me every single day. Some people say, "You knew you were marrying a doctor when you married him." Right. How much does a 20 year old know about a doctor's life?
    To the person who recommended that I follow him around for a day to see the stresses he endures...I could understand the stress for a day, but I honestly could never rationalize enough in my mind to think that my patients are more important than my family. I could never understand choosing to stay with a family in the evening answering questions I'd answered that morning realizing that my wife was at home yearning to spend time with me. There's too much more to be said and most of you have said it already. We all paddle in the same river, some of us comfortable with paddling alone and some of us not.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/03/2008 05:55:00 PM  

  • To the woman who posted above this comment. I think getting a divorce is the best option. I have been married to my Dr for Three years and what I have learned is that He is who he is and it doesnt get any easier. You should have children and not having children because of him will only make you resent him. Have you told him how you are feeling? I too struggle but he makes an effort to understand where I am comming from and to fix what he can. I guess I am lucky that way. Nurses are a different issue. I am not a jelouse person but when they call him just to "chat" after work I put my foot down. I can understand where all of you are comming from and it makes me feel better to know that iam not alone. Best of luck.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/10/2008 07:29:00 AM  

  • I am the wife of the doc who has a nurse flirting with him. Unfortunately, he is in the ER. I try to find reasons to show up there, looking as best as I can, and with the kids looking adorable.( 9, 4, 2) But he won't even tell me which nurse she is! And I worry about the social events; Christmas, Halloween party etc. Although I have missed those in the past, I will not do so again!
    As for the woman thinking of leaving her doc. Without kids, I probably would do the same. This lifestyle is lonely & mundane. Kids can fill the gap somewhat, but can also make you feel stuck. When you are without family to help and only kids to talk to all day, that ideal you had of a marraige being a partnership filled with love and time together is just that an idea, not reality.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/10/2008 06:01:00 PM  

  • Happy Mothers Day to all of us that have to stay at home with the kids while our doctor husbands heal the sick. We don't get taken out, or breakfast in bed or someone else to feed the kids, change the diapers, fill up the sippie cups, or push to get the homework done. It's another day of the same old lonely job with no end in sight!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/10/2008 05:46:00 PM  

  • After 24 years, and now with three grown kids, I can honestly say it does not get much better. We created a medical marriage the last year of residency (had started dating last year of medical school).

    Establish your own interests so that when the kids leave home you have other things to hold on to and give you a sense of accomplishment - completely separate from his medical practice (unless you work with him). His needs will be met "at the office." The spouse needs to figure out a way to fill in the gap. Yes, I raised the kids mostly by myself but I also have a relationship with the kids that he does not have, and never will. Although, to hear him talk now he did raise the kids and he "let me go back to school" and get my degree. I call that re-writing history.

    I now have my own career. I earn a paycheck. I work with men. I have men who "flirt" with me just as he has nurses, medical assistants, patients who "flirt" with him.

    It is good to be independent. It is even better to find support systems that work for you. I had joined a baby sitting coop when we moved accorss country and I had left my family and friends behind.

    I highly recommend the book "Hippocrates' Handmaidens: Women Married to Physicians." You have either married into, or are thinking of marriage into, a very unique lifestyle wherein the commitment to his career will take over your life - if you let it. Believe me I made many mistakes along the way (allowing his needs to superceed all else), and still do not know if I am going to stay. He still asks for a divorce every 6 months or so. It no longer has the same effect it did when I was home with three small children (he wanted a fourth). Now I simply resond with "how does he want to split the furniture?" I can say that if I did not have something that was really only my accomplishment - my profession - I would have gone crazy a long time ago.

    Independence. Now without three kids at home he wonders where I am. He calls me and gets upset when I don't answer or when I am late coming home from work but forget to call. Men get strange as they get older. Now they want to cuddle. Who knew?

    Having an "Erma Bombeck" type of sense of humor was very helpful too - I recommend reading some of her books. Heck, use them as the bed time story. Your kids will wonder why you are laughing so hard. Raising kids is the same no matter what generation is doing it.

    Please do not be offended by what I am about to share, as it is not meant to offend, nor is it meant to trivialize the hardship and struggle you are all going through!

    On this Mothers Day please remember those mom's whose sons and daughters are in harms way. I would give anything to be back to those days when my kids were home and safe and I could kiss them good night. The only problem when you raise responsible kids - they want to serve our Country (non political statement), and the mother waits to hear if they are coming home for that good night kiss......
    posted by Blogger luvtodrive at 5/11/2008 09:12:00 PM  

  • Well what can I say except that wow. 80% of all of these comments are negative ones! Where's the encouragement? The hope? I am about to marry a future med student pretty soon and I remain very concerned with his choice in career. I feel like I should be so proud of him, so proud that he's gone this far, taken this step in life, and chose this course to save lives! Plus the fact that he will make muchos of money. Though when people mention that "Wow, your fiancee' is going to be a Dr.!? That's great! Lucky you!" I am not exciting. I feel a large "GULP" in my chest and I always answer with a "Yeah, he is". A disappointed "yeah, he is". I feel so bad! I just want to be ok with it and proud of him and supportive but its such a large, difficult hurdle and I often think that maybe I'm too weak for this challenge. I too have that fairy tale life in my mind of being a wonderful mother and wife, and having a wonderful husband to share life's adventures with me! But residency is going to be so difficult for me! I know it! One thing I remind myself is "man" will always disappoint, will always let you down, but our heavenly Father won't. I have try to build up my faith to keep believing that God will fill that gap that my future husband can't. He will make me strong! He will guide me and lead me, encourage me, build me up when I am weak! He will take me away from the bondage of being depressed! You can never count on your husband for your 100% happiness. Only God can provide that fullness of life and REAL joy in you! Be brave ladies! And trust in our Father to get you through these difficulties!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/14/2008 08:23:00 PM  

  • I've been married to a doctor for nearly 30 years and the first time I considered leaving him was 29.5 years ago. He works long hours and is not emotionally available when he is home. We have no meaningful discussions and no sex. Has never invited me on a vacation in those 30 years. I plan everything and remind him endlessly or it doesn't happen. Even then it gets cancelled or I go alone. I have my own career, my own interests, my own friends. I never, never would have married him if I'd known. But how can I leave him now? He is a nice guy, we have kids, have some shell of a life together. My smart daughter will not even date a pre-med. Run as fast as you can unless your idea of marriage is an emotional wasteland in exchange for not having to worry about paying the mortgage.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/19/2008 02:41:00 PM  

  • Wow, Ok I am not quite married to my fiancee but already I am feeling depressed just reading these posts. We have been together and madly in love for 4 years now and have recently been engaged and are planning a wedding for next year. Its hard at times but we make it work. I am fortunate that even though for the past 2 years he has been studying nonstop, he still found time for me on the weekends. He will be finished his third year when we get married, but after reading these posts, I seem to have been led to belive that I should cancel the engagement and try to get my deposits back for wedding vendors that I have already paid for ASAP.I'm worried, seriously. If its so lonely, why aren't more doctors wives divorcing their husbands?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/19/2008 03:38:00 PM  

  • Maybe it will be better for you, but my husband picked a specialty that is really demanding. Does your fiance spend nights, weekends and holidays at the hospital yet? I stayed with him because I always thought it would get better "next year", but "next year" never came. And he needs me for everything. He would be lost if I didn't arrange his life. And he loves the kids and they love him., I can't split up the family. Lastly, can you imagine how it looks complaining or leaving him because of not getting enough attention, (even missing Christmas, Anniversaries, birthdays, etc,) because he is Saving Lives. There is no sympathy from anyone for the wife. "Poor Bob, missing another Christmas." Wives are trapped in a no-win situation and most of us stay out of loyalty. My doctor husband is a good guy and I know he loves me, but he just has no time or energy for me. He has bigger concerns that don't include me. I am in this marriage alone. I don't think medical marriages work unless the spouse is independent, doesn't expect much companionship and is devoted to the "cause".
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/19/2008 08:13:00 PM  

  • Well I guess to be honest I'd have to say I'm a bit apprehensive about being lonely after we're married. We were together three years before he got into school and that is the reason we've waited to get married so that he would get through most of school before he was finished.(I am a teacher and don't make enough to support both of us on my salary.)I don't know, I can't see myself leaving.He starts hospitals this summer and I've already prepared myself that I'll probably be going to my ten year high school reunion alone. The only thing he knows is that he doesn't want to go into surgery, he chose to do that rotation first which starts in July to get it over with. We're happy together now,I don't know what the future holds. I'm trying not to think about it too much except to take it one day at a time. I guess this probably makes me naive compared to seasoned doctor wives. I've gotten a lot of feedback here by the way. Thanks.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/19/2008 08:40:00 PM  

  • All of this is sooooo familiar!!!

    My fiance and I just got engaged. We've been together for 4.5 years. I love him to death but I'm lonely. He works SOOO much. He has no time for anything. I hate being alone at weddings, parties, dinners with friends, etc. He's too tired for significant special time at home. Every year I tell myself to hang in there and that it will get better but it only gets worse. When I think of leaving, I feel as though I am giving up/and or not being supportive.

    I'm afraid that if we have children, I will live as if I'm a single mom. Already we dont' do anything together. When/If kids come our lives will only get busier and we REALLY won't have time for each other. I'll be wrapped up in child raising and taking care of the household and the I'll be too exhausted for anything because I'll be doing everything alone.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/20/2008 05:50:00 PM  

  • I am not a doctor's wife, but I like to share my friend's experiences of being a doctor's wife. My friend married a doctor around twenty years ago. They had two children and now they have all grown up. The first a few years were indeed tough, but she got a lot of help from the relatives. For her, the life does get better, although her husband is still 24 hours on call during work days. Now she is a volunteer in one of our local churches. That makes her well occupied emotionally and physically. She is very happy with what she is having now.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/20/2008 11:19:00 PM  

  • I agree that working towards my own career would help feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel once the kids grow up. But going to school for that goal is impossible. I have no family here to help out with the kids, and the friends I have watch the kids for the rare doctors appointment I need to go to by myself. To the person who is attending her 10yr reunion herself, my kids and I will be attending my 25th "family style" reunion. As usual with me and my kids as "my family"... I feel even going to church people look at me as a single mother. I can't tell you the times when my husband is with us that people come up to me and say "is that your husband? I've never seen him before!"
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/23/2008 05:07:00 PM  

  • This blog came up when I Googled "lonely doctor's wife", if that is any indication of the month we are having. My husband and I have been married for 6 years, together for almost 10. We have a generally good relationship, are supportive of each other, have similar values, and communicate well, but I find myself getting frustrated and resenting his career much more than I would have imagined.

    Since I was a nurse when we met, I knew to some extent what I was getting into. I am a relatively independent person, so before we had kids, I didn't mind that his work took so much of his time. Actually, I kind of liked it because it allowed me to have time to myself. It is markedly harder now that we have a 2 and a 4 year old. I am so used to running the show at home now that I am starting to find that when he is around, he upsets our routine. The problem is that his schedule is so erratic, we can't count on him to be a part of our day to day lives in a predictable way. We made the choice for me to be home to raise our children, and I am generally happy with that decision. With the way his career is, I feel that our girls need a consistant presence in the home to balance the inconsistancy of their Dad's. I should add that we moved to be near my parents and without their help I would probably go crazy. I guess the thing that frustrates me the most is that our lives always have to work around his.

    To my husband's credit, he makes his best effort to be very present when he is home, and I do feel that family time is important to him. If something is important to me, he does his best to be accomodating. We do have "date nights" once or occasionally twice a month. If I were more comfortable leaving the girls, Im sure he would be willing for the two of us to spend more time alone together. To be honest, many of my friend's husbands (who are not in medicine) work long hours and travel often as well. Those wives get as stressed out and lonely as I do. Maybe it's not just medicine???

    I don't want this to be completely negative. While there are some brutal stretches when he has a lot of clinical committments, there are spans of time when his hours aren't bad,and I feel like a "normal family."

    My advice to someone unhappily engaged to a doctor (or anyone!)---it doesn't get any better than early in a relationship. If you're not happy before the wedding, don't expect to be happy later.

    My advice to other moms of young kids--
    1- If you're not getting help from your husband and he can't step up to the plate, you have got to hire some help - babysitter, preschool, daycare at the gym- you just cannot be with your kids 24/7 and stay sane. You absolutely need to have a break to continue to be a good parent.
    Move near family if you can. If not, create a family of close girlfriends and their children. It takes a village, as the saying goes. I have found a wonderful group of women friends, all with busy husbands. The bottom line is, don't wait for him to fulfill all your needs.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/23/2008 08:11:00 PM  

  • All I can say is WOW. I have been with my Dr for about 2 years and we have been living together. We are planning on getting married soon and all I can say is that I can understand and agree where you guys are coming from. Keeping positive is naive. We have to look at the reality. The difference between Us Dr. wives, companions. Girlfriends or whatever name you wish to give to us and other professions is that we are looked upon negatively when we complain. Lawyers also work long hard hours and when their significant others complain its understandable, but when we complain it implies that we don’t care about the sick and dying and that we are selfish in nature. It’s a really tough position. I love when people say “ well you knew what you were getting into”. Of course we did but that doesn’t make it easy and it doesn’t make us less deserving of affection and time. What people also don’t understand is that we are fed the “ it will get better baby… I love you” line and we hang on due to it. However after all of this in some ways I am thankful he is always busy. Many other husbands who come home and are present a lot of the time do not allow their wives to have careers or go to yoga everyday or do things for them selves. With a man who is always busy…. You not only have the time but you are free from the screaming match that my friends go thru about doing things for yourself. We do not have kids yet and I suspect I will have even less time for myself but I also know that I will hire a nanny or someone to help out. To fill his role in a way. It does suck when he isn’t around and I DO NOT feel guilty for feeling that way, and neither should any of you.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/06/2008 10:49:00 AM  

  • Wow! To the person who has the time to do yoga and such for herself. When my husband was a resident, I had to work full time for us to make ends meet.(and be the one to do the laundry, dishes, cleaning, ect.) And now it's nothing but full time kids. Hiring a nanny or even a house cleaner is out of the question. There is no time for me. Unless you count midnight chats on this blog... I keep telling myself, when I'm 65 I will finally be free.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/11/2008 09:11:00 PM  

  • The vast majority of the comments is negative. I think for women who are dating, engaged to, or about to be married to a medical student, resident, or practicing physician, these comments make things seem very hopeless and desperate. The wives who are happy probably do not spend time searching the net for evidence to validate how depressed, hopeless, and angry some of their counterparts feel.

    For me, I am happy to see my boyfriend happy. I am proud of him and what he does every day. I am proud to see his passion for his work. It's visible in his eyes when he talks to me about what he does. I often think that if I am a patient, I would want a doctor like him and know that behind him is a woman who sacrifices her time with her husband so that he can help me. I might not get credit from his patients, but I get it from him and that is what matters. He tells me that in a way, I am saving life indirectly, by being by his side and supporting him. Truthfully, he would do the same thing if I was not in the picture.

    We don't have a lot of time together, but we make the best of the time we have together. We go on dates all the time (i.e. to the grocery stores, to the mall, etc.). He calls me from work to talk for as little as half a minute. He showed me how to send him text pages to his pager, so I can communicate with him if it is urgent and even non-urgent. When he is on call, I bring him dinner and we try to eat together. There are call nights when I come to visit him and taste his hospital's food. These are our cheap dates! From time to time, he buys me ice cream or candies on his way home after a call night. I'd be at work, but the ice cream would be in the freezer when I get home.

    It's humorous to read how a woman above worries about nurse flirting with her husband. I agree that it is part of the territory. My boyfriend has no ring on his finger. Some of his colleagues are married and have ring on their finger. Still, the nurses flirt with them regardless. I don't focus on that. I focus on what I can give him and trust that his love for me is strong enough.

    Of course, life does revolve around him to a certain extent. After all, he is in the business of saving lives. That's pretty serious stuff don't you agree? I've come to term with it and accepted that it is how it is. We talked about this when we first met. We thought it might not work out, but so far so good. For me, my boyfriend has two loves; his loves for me and medicine. Regardless of what I do, medicine will always be there. Then again, I will also always be here with him.

    Maybe I am in a better position because my father is a physician. My mother had been a housewife for the most part, until us children grew up. She always told me, "Give first and don't expect anything in return. Then you will get more than you bargained for." She was right. I have a very loving man, who has a heart of gold, and he loves me.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/20/2008 11:58:00 PM  

  • I'm so glad you find it humorous that a nurse flirts with someone's husband. Maybe when you are stuck at home with 3 kids while your husband works over 200 hours a month and has someone to flirt with there you'll get worried too! Spending quality time together is consummed by baseball games, girl scout meetings, homework and depending on wether you can even get a sitter. Visiting him at the hospital means unbuckling two car seats and trying to get 3 kids to be quiet so we can just say hi to Daddy whom the kids haven't seen for 2 days because of his schedule and they are in bed by the time he gets home. Enjoy your picnic now, if you have kids all that together time and time to yourself goes away. You truly find out what lonely means.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/01/2008 01:08:00 PM  

  • "This blog came up when I Googled "lonely doctor's wife", if that is any indication of the month we are having. ..."
    Can I say that you stole all the words out of my mouth exactly as I would have put them?! I have been married to my husband for 9 years and we have a 18 month old and I am now pregnant with our second child. Before kids, all was fine. I was a busy graduate student who had learned to spend her extra hours alone at the gym, in lab, or with friends. I actually enjoyed my alone time for the most part because I got to focus on my needs and myself. But with a child everything changes!!! My heart ached as I read most of the comments... I do not want to spend the rest of my life being a single mom. I have already thought about hiring a mother's helper 1 or 2 times a week in order to keep my sanity. I actually LOVE being a stay at home but I cannot do this alone! Help!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/05/2008 10:55:00 PM  

  • Also to the happy, clueless girlfriend of the doctor... you really don't know what you're talking about... being a girlfriend is world's apart from being the wife of a doctor and the mother of 3 children which you have to raise yourself. It's easy when you're single, and each doing your own thing... but wait till you actually NEED him to be around.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/05/2008 11:11:00 PM  

  • Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! We wives who are lonely and have to be with the kids constantly thank you!! Parenting and even marriage is supposed to be a partnership, but not when you are a doctor's wife.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/06/2008 07:43:00 PM  

  • I am so happy that I found this. I googled how to cope with dateing a dr and found this! Four years into our relationship and four years into his residency things havnt gotten better. Every year its the same promise " my schedual will lighten up... things will get better". So during year two I decided to do my own thing and that cuased arguments because he was worried about me cheating on him. I dont understand, if he is too busy for me whats wrong with going hiking or biking or taking art lessons. Sorry I had to vent. thanks for listening.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/09/2008 06:51:00 AM  

  • Yea, my doctor husband gets the same attitude. When I broached the subject of maybe going out with my friends, just to get out and socialize with adults, and to figure out if there is still a "me"(not just "mom" or his wife); I got nothing but grief about how I didn't need to go out, he thinks all I need to do is go workout. As long as I take care of the kids, the house, all the details of our family life and try to look like I did when I was 20 then everything is fine. It's OK for him to go out with "co workers" occasionally, do his weekly martial arts and a yearly tournament, and a yearly hunting trip. But I can't go out with friends, just stay home with the kids. Well, once I loose the weight I've gained there may be some serious changes in my life, that don't involve him. He's left me out for years......
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/11/2008 07:35:00 PM  

  • I'm so glad I stumbled across this post! I've been dating my boyfriend for three and a half years. He is currently attending medical school and I am working on my MBA. We are looking to get married when he is finished with med school, and I have to admit that I was expecting all the glamor associated with being Mrs. Doctor, but I'm realizing that I have to be more realistic about it. He's not going to be home much, I'll be raising the kids mainly by myself, and we're definitely not going to have much alone time. I love him so much, but I'm apprehensive about what's to come.
    For all of you who have dealt with this situation: If you could do it over, would you? Is being married to a doctor worth it?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/12/2008 08:54:00 PM  

  • WOW....all of these comments seem so depressing and negative. My husband who graduates from med school in 7 months proves all of these comments wrong. I met him and 4 months later we moved to a tiny town in Kentucky were we lived for the first two years of medical school. I am a party girl, I was a bartender when we met. So the "Stepfords" as Craig and I liked to call them did appreciate me. Well 3 years, and many fun med school parties later, we are happily married. We never changed ourselves we just adapted to our surroundings. Its a hard journey being the other half, but it is so worth it. I will always continue to appreciate all the hard work my husband has done for us. He is doing an extra internship year so we can live in Florida by my family. I am who I am today because of him. I wish all of these women would stop and think about all of the stress and pressure their husbands deal with daily. If you have a great husband than just appreciate him. Stop bitching so much. I bet when you bought your big home and j crew clothes you didn't complain this much. I have a teaching degree now. Kids are a challenge but not impossible. So quit whining and do your job wives.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/19/2008 10:22:00 PM  

  • Some advice from a womand married to a doctor for three years....you should absolutely have your own career, friends and interests, otherwise you will go mad! This type of life is best suited for someone who likes to be on their own quite a lot and who doesn't mind going alone to weddings/parties/church. If you are very traditionally minded you are going to be soooooo dissapointed because you will not have a daddy that is present when you want him to be there. Also...if you like sex a lot and to have it regularly...don't marry a doctor - sometimes our sex life is NON-EXISTENT. Mainly because of stress, long hours, tiredness etc. Solution is to get his schedule and schedule sex as well...not very romantic but it helps.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/20/2008 12:40:00 AM  

  • I'm married to a third year medical student, we married about 4 years ago. No kids, a couple dogs, an ungodly amount of debt, antidepressants, and an everyday feeling of " who the hell am I".... I'm so glad I married a doctor. Oh and thank goodness I'm infertile. Not that it matters too much when we only have sex maybe once every two months. Of course he always finds time for a little online porn and happy hour with friends. Is divorce really that bad? I'm worth more than this. I told him I feel like his roommate, not his wife, and I generally hate having roommates. Especially the kind that don't clean up after themselves. I'd respect his desicion to be a doctor a lot more if he wasn't so superficial and materialistic. And what's the point of getting married if you aren't going to feel like a wife? That's my two cents.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/24/2008 11:52:00 AM  

  • [I apologize in advance for the extreme length of this post]

    It's interesting reading the conflict between those who have children and those who do not, because that was a huge dividing line for me. My husband and I were together for five years before medical school, got married after year two, and had a child in the middle of the fourth year. Up until the birth of our son I totally integrated with the insane medicine study schedule, partly because I was studying for my own masters, partly because this is what my husband had been working for his whole life and I was, and am, completely supportive of that. But becoming a parent completely changes the game. It is a 24 hour a day/7 days a week job...there is no 80 hour maximum, it is constant and unrelenting. I am at work right now as a matter of fact! Even when my son is sleeping, I can never fully rest or concentrate because he could wake up at any minute and whatever I am doing will have to stop, whether that is typing on the computer or cleaning the bathroom or cooking or reading a book or whatever.

    Your time really is not your own. This is not news for parents worldwide, but for doctors' spouses, and particularly residents' spouses, it is an extremely demanding and exhausting reality. We are nearly 100% responsible for our children, like a single parent, only not, which is confusing and can lead to resentment for both parents. We would turn to family members for support, but the Match more than likely places us in a city or town where we know no one, which was true in our case. We would hire child care and cleaning help, but residency is a kind of indentured servitude and we can't afford it. We would talk to our friends about it, but the majority of them see only the salary at the other end and say, "you knew what you were getting into."

    You simply can't judge this situation until you are in it; the pressures that we bear are not only incredibly heavy, but they are silent and invisible. Society sees us as doctor's wives (or husbands), lucky in our choice of mates and spoiled by the financial and social wealth that comes to us through our spouses. The residency programs, hospitals, clinics, the health care world in general doesn't really see us at all; we are practically never mentioned or acknowledged, and when we are people get embarrassed. Our physician spouses themselves are so battered down by the training process, so physically, intellectually, and emotionally exhausted at the end of the day, day after day, week after week, month after month, that they too indulge sometimes in seeing us abstractly, the person who nags me to take out the trash, who demands that I engage in conversation at the end of an impossible day.

    And it will only get better for some of us. For those in dermatology, radiology, the lifestyle fields of medicine, things are bound to get better. On the other end of the spectrum, those of us attached to surgeons know that life will go on more or less like this until the day our spouses retire. Most lie somewhere in between, but we all know, in a way no one else can know, the heavy sacrifice the health care system has on all families of physicians. In my husband's class of maybe 30 surgical residents, there is one other who has children and only a handful who are married or engaged. EVERYONE else is single, and they are both smart, because they don't have to deal with the serious storms that hit a relationship during residency, and angry, because this is a profession that implicitly asks them to lead an unbalanced life, to expect spouses and children to suck it up or not be a part of the equation at all.

    Many of those single physicians are women, most in their late-20s, 30s, and incredibly resentful that they will have to put off having children until...when? 40? 45? I know women who have had children in medical school and residency, and they are the most powerful, amazing people I know, but it hasn't been pretty. Even the most enlightened modern man finds it practically impossible to give up his career to raise children while his wife finishes her training and works as a junior attending/etc. Hundreds of thousands of women have done it, myself included, but men by and large simply don't have any cultural ground to stand on when it comes to becoming house dads. You can put your child/ren in the care of others during the day, but that's not the issue...Who will pick up the kids? Who will make dinner? Who will clean up the house? Who will orchestrate the baths, teeth brushing, breaking up the fights, helping with homework, reading books, teaching your children how to go to sleep, being with them when they wake up, when they are sick, getting the whole household up and at 'em in the morning, including breakfast, making snacks, getting everyone's gear together....It's a 24 hour/7 day per week job, and the physician is simply not going to do it, you are, ALL of it, and that is where the crazy rants come in.

    It isn't fair, but what has kept me aloft through the intern year and now into the second residency year is the fact that it isn't fair for anyone, not for me, not for my husband, not for our son, not for the attendings who are also working way over 40 hours/week and carry full responsibility for dozens of lives every day. I think the only way to get through this is to stick together, to (at a minimum) acknowledge everybody's pain as valid.

    I loved the previous comment that capitalized "Saving Lives", because it is such a shield behind which tired doctors hide from their responsibilities to their families. I just roll my eyes when my husband pushes the play button on the tape recorder and starts telling me about how him doing the dishes is going to kill his patients. He doesn't do it very often very more, because he knows I am unapologetically unresponsive now...I know the dishes are not life and death, but that doesn't make them any less important than the life you saved in the OR. I read that and it sounds a little crazy, but it is true. And over time, my husband has started to understand my perspective, but only after dozens of heated conversations, shall we call them. We are on the same side, we only want the best for each other, so he has to learn to give a little more, and I have to learn to make due with less of him than I am used to.

    Ok, sorry, that was way too long! I could go on, I just have so much to say about this topic and practically no one to say it to!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/02/2008 10:46:00 PM  

  • Sigh...ok, so I didn't read ALL the posts, but enough to know I'm not alone. Why didn't I google "Doctor's wife" before??? My hubby is a 2nd year surgical resident AND acitve duty army--yea, it sucks to put it mildly. On top of the doctor's lifestyle, we have the army telling us where to live, how long to be there, and of course, we'll have deployment to look forward to after he finishes residency. How am I/we every going to get through this? Well, with God's grace, but I'm so scared, even after almost 3 years of marriage.

    My husband is a wonderful man, I couldn't ask for a better one...right before he walked out the door tonight he said "I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this," which made me cry even harder. He does everything he can to make things better, but he just can't, its out of his control. I'm off the antidepressants, I've been through therapy, agreed to put my life on hold, and try to keep my eyes on God as much as possible...I'm doing everything right, but why is it still such a daily struggle?

    I know the lifestyle will be this way pretty much throughout his career, but when do you stop getting angry and resentful? Do you ever just accept the fate of a "room mate" relationship? SHOULD we accept that fate or keep fighting to make every moment count despite the disappointments?

    I don't have any concrete philosophies or seasoned advice, only a need to share about these sacrifices with those who understand and be reminded to take one day at a time. While this is a great place to vent, its a great place for encouragement, so along with discussing the hardships, lets not forget to say "it'll be alright."

    I know on nights like this one, that's all I need to hear...
    posted by Blogger rather_be_riding at 10/04/2008 09:01:00 PM  

  • It will be alright...ultimately I believe that the good will outweigh the bad and that in 20 years I will be proud of what I have accomplished.

    What I never want to become is resigned. I go to these doctor parties, and they are nice events, I really appreciate the effort some attendings make to create a social environment outside the hospital. But when I look in the eyes of women who have been with their doctor husbands for upteen years, even when they are laughing and smiling and joking I see the resignation so clearly in their eyes. No one talks about the pain and sacrifice of practicing medicine, they just look at me with something of a mixture of pity and longing. They see I'm still angry about all of this, and what I see in their eyes and body language is sympathy and also irritation that I remind them of the beginning stages, years that they had vowed to put behind them. I suppose I could be reading too much into it, but I am always really amazed and kind of horrified how resigned everyone is to this fate.

    And I say I don't want to become resigned, and yet being angry isn't helping anybody either, least of all me, least of all my husband. My husband has laryngitis right now, he can barely talk, has a fever & chills, wickedly sore throat, cough, normal things you call in sick for, but as a surgery resident that's not possible. He has to go in tomorrow at 5 am and will mostly likely leave after 7 pm, with laryngitis. Will he at least go get some antibiotics? "If I have time," AKA, "I have to get the medicine secretly or my coworkers will know I am really sick and they will either think I'm weak or resent me for being sick, needing to go home, and therefore dumping all of my workload on them and making them get home after 9 pm." As if you could ever hide laryngitis! Is this not completely absurd? And yet me being pissed about it just adds on to my husband's list of problems, emphasizes the ridiculousness of his position and makes him feel caught between two truths, the truth at the hospital and the truth at home.

    That's a long way of saying I understand why spouses become resigned...it's not just from being beat down by the system, it's because trying to maintain your own truth in the face of the reality of the health care system only hurts the one you love, it doesn't help them. I would take a bullet for my husband, and now I guess I'm going to have to prove it. I keep wanting to control where the bullet hits, but I've really got to let go of that for the time being and just be strong and protect the core of my identity. When it is my turn to hold the parties, I swear, I am not going to accept the status quo, I am not going to let this residency weapon shoot people at random.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/05/2008 11:16:00 PM  

  • To the person who thinks we long term wives of docs wear j crew clothes. Funny, the last clothes I bought myself were bras at Walmart. Yes, I have a big house, after 13 years of marraige... that I can't keep clean and can't enjoy because I'm too busy driving kids back and forth to school, seperating their disagreements, getting them drinks, changing diapers, helping with homework, dealing with the questions of "how do I know if a boy likes me?'... and doing it all myself. Dad is at work, Dad is at a meeting, Dad is at his class he takes for himself, Dad is sleeping, Dad is preparing a lecture, Dad is at a dinner for new residents... Being a doctors wife is lonely without kids, I did it for 4 years. I had a career, but still I did the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cleaning...Now I don't have a job, just 3 kids and still all of the above. Kids change it all. You truly feel how alone his choice of a career can leave your family. You and the kids become a family unto yourself, he just shows up once and a while and makes an appearance. Yes, it it a lot of bitching. But who else can you talk to? No family near the chosen medical site your husband works at, the kids aren't able to hold an adult conversation, and the other doctors' wives are too busy raising their kids on their own too. (or they are the lucky ones who get the weekly massages, and are dripping in diamonds)I am not happy and if I wasn't tied down to 3 human beings who need me I'd be gone. I would be alone and happy, instead of alone and feeling like a shadow of a life. ( I apologize for the length)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/06/2008 05:52:00 PM  

  • Some of this is familiar, but thankfully much of it is not. To be married to a doctor, you need your own independence. You need a strong sense of identity. You need your own career, hobbies, passions. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, since he was in med school. Was residency easy? No way! Was he often stressed? Of course? Was I? Yep. Is he still stressed and overworked now that he's in private practice? Yes. What would you expect from someone who deals with life and death situations everyday? Yeah, some days he's moody and needy, and yep, he's away working more than most husbands. Sure, he's not always around for holidays, events and the like.

    But marrying an MD, what exactly did you expect? I love my husband. I respect his work. Hell, after years of sucking it up through residency, I'm finally enjoying his money-earning power. I praise him when he does something great for a patient. I listen when he's having a hard time handling the stress. But I'm not about to let him continuously take the spotlight. I'm important too!

    For those already married to a Dr. -- chins up, ladies, if you find yourself muddling through at times. Take a step back and evaluate whether you're treating yourself right, standing up for yourself, taking charge of your life. Or, if you're extremely unhappy, leave him if nothing's changed after years of trouble and frustration. whatever the situation, be your own person, stand up for yourself and your needs, and please -- stop whining!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/08/2008 09:41:00 PM  

  • Please refrain from telling me or anyone else to "stop whining." A, I suspect that 95% of the commentators on this blog suffer whatever emotional afflictions they describe in near silence and are in fact stronger than they give themselves credit for. B, if you can't express your true thoughts and feelings about being married to a physician anonymously in an open forum on the internet, where in the world can you? C, you obviously don't have kids.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/08/2008 10:44:00 PM  

  • To address the points made in the previous comment (which were directed at me):

    A) Strength and independence are two entirely different things. So what exactly is your point?

    Also, fwiw, I'm not saying everyone who has posted above is not independent. I don't know them personally. But a good portion of them come off as quite needy/clingy in this forum.

    B) Of course we all can express our "true thoughts and feelings" here, in this open forum. Anonymously. No one said otherwise. That doesn't mean I can't also share my perspective and opinions here as well. Everyone deserves to whine sometimes. And it appears this blog's 70+ comments have served as a vehicle for just that purpose. My aim in my comment above was to point out that a doctor's wife's relationship is not 100% misery 24/7.

    C) Obviously, eh? You assumed wrong. What -- must I wear a badge of defeat and cry out "poor me" to demonstrate my parental status in this forum?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/09/2008 07:11:00 AM  

  • Being a doctor's wife isn't the problem, it's being the mother to the doctor's kids! (by yourself)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/16/2008 05:32:00 PM  

  • I to am in a relationship with a Dr. I think all relationships are hard but being in a relationship with a Dr. has its own set of added hardships. For thoes women who have posted who have it "easy" good for you but that does not give you the right to make the rest of us feel bad for what we are going thru. You "happy" Dr. partners who feel the need to critisise the rest of us for venting our hurt ovbusly found this blog for a reason. Ladies, We are all strong and have burdens that hardly anyone can understand. We suffer in silence while our partners are in denial of what toll their career takes on us. The reason I like reading this blog is because as every relationship has its good and bad our bad is alot different and it helps me not feel like iam the only one going thru this.Its not about being needy, clingy, insecure, independant its about dealing with our reality which is different than any other. So dont feel bad for posting comments saying that you are sad, hurt etc.... Just know that we feel your pain
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/23/2008 07:31:00 AM  

  • After reading all of these posts I feel comforted that I am not the only person going thru these things. My boyfriend is in his 4th year residency. Its been 3 years that my boyfriend and I have lived together and 3 years that he has been telling me that his choice of career would able him to have a better schedule than most of his other friends in Med school, which apparently goes a little something like this. Up at 7 home between 7 and 10 and then when he is home its reading up on journals etc….. He keeps telling me “hey if I was a surgeon it would be a lot worse” and from what I have read I am sure it would be but he uses this as a justification as to why I don’t have a right to feel frustrated or upset. All I want is a little acknowledgement that its tough. His Cancer patients come home with him too. How getting intimate and the two are related I have no idea. Trust me there is nothing like looking your partner in the eye naked and having a treatment idea pop into his head which he just has to tell you! Not to mention after dealing with people all day long he isn’t really listening to you.But thats ok because He is a Dr and his needs are much more important than yours ( sarcasim!) But I have discovered that I can do a lot of things alone. Apparently pipes bursting is not important enough to leave a 6 pm journal club. I got the “ do I really need to come home” most people would say yes but like always I said “ Ill call you back and let you know” We try to avoid Hospital Social events but I don’t understand some comments people make when they find out that you are dating/ married to a Dr. Ive gotten the “ wow YOU are dating a DR. you don’t look like someone who would” What the hell does that mean? What are we supposed to look like? Are we all supposed to be trophy wives? This is the point where I realized the sterio-type and societal pressures that we face. We aren’t allowed to complain, We are apparently all rich ( HA) and have the luxury of doing what we want… sorry this is so long. Thanks for having this blog!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/27/2008 10:23:00 AM  

  • Just a question. Is it mine or do all doctors have the attitude of control? He insists on how I wear my hair, what I wear,and even whom I should vote for. And assumes when he asks me to do something I'll drop everything and get it done. I'm not one of his nurses, but I get treated as an employee quite a bit. I'm usually too busy raising his children to stop and do what he asks. He never thinks that I might have an agenda. Just wondered if anyone else out there deals with these issues.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/04/2008 03:45:00 PM  

  • I did not read all of the comments but am so happy to not be alone. Thank God someone understands about this life. I have such a lovely husband who treats me so well.

    We are in our first year after residency. He is a family do and I am finding it difficult to accept that this is "attendinghood" The hours are not getting better than this.

    Thank you ladies for voicing your hurts. I feel better that I am not totally alone.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/06/2008 01:50:00 PM  

  • They are all controll freaks! the forms may vary but when they are looked upon as gods and begin to beleive it and people do as they say. it spills over to the home life.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/10/2008 06:42:00 AM  

  • I've been a doctor's wife for almost 30 years and I can say that reading the comments on this site is a great comfort: knowing I'm not alone in managing the "coming second" feeling all these years. Thank you. I agree with those who say it does not get better; in fact, I wonder if it gets worse over time. I too got him through med school, raised the kids as a single mom, rarely saw him, took rare and short vacations, etc, while he invested in his career and took lots of 'on-call' time to establish a successful OBGYN practice. And I'm very proud of him and enjoy many aspects of our live together. Our kids are now grown and gone; I have a successful career of my own; but the marriage itself has always come second to his career. During times when I needed his attention as a husband, his head was always elsewhere. Also, I have found that the flirting from women around him only gets worse as I get older and the nurses, drug reps, patients, and medical staff get younger and more agressive. Question: no one has mentioned the aspect of trying to be "the" woman in his life when he knows more about women then I ever will. I have often wondered over the years if that feeling of being just another woman would pass. It hasn't really: I've just grown more used to it. People have said (quite rightly) that this is just part of a doctor's job and that there's no threat to a wife, but I still wish I could be that magical person for him: mysterious and amazing - the only woman he sees. Have others found ways to get passed this kind of female-only vulnerability?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 12/30/2008 07:35:00 AM  

  • My doctor boyfriend is at the end of his residency and plans on doing a fellowship. For now our relationship is long distance. I have a career of my own and there are no kids involved. Medicine is his mistress. Well... I hope it's just Medicine. I handn't heard from him in like 10 days. Christmas Eve I got a text. Yayyy. Haven't heard from him since then. Here I am on New Years Eve...and I got nothing.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 12/31/2008 06:47:00 PM  

  • I have a question: has anyone had any experience with spousal support groups during residency training? I'd like to start one, but I'm not sure how. It's easy to talk about all of this stuff anonymously online, but much harder to get people together to talk about it in person.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/11/2009 05:08:00 PM  

  • I am feeling a little better reading all of your posts. I too am so very proud of my husband of 17 years. He is an oncologist and a researcher, making important dicoveries in the big fight against the big 'C'. My 2 children and myself are a distant second to his career. Even when he's home, he's writing papers, editing other's papers etc. When he does have some down time, it's all about him. We have to do what he wants, or he just does his own thing. He won't take any time away from work for us, "You have no idea what I do all day, you couldn't possibly understand the stress I'm under", he'll say to me when I ask if he can leave work a little early. Then, when I ask about his day, he doesn't want to talk about it. He does nothing around the house, and I do mean nothing. I have resorted to hiring a lawn care company to cut our measley 1/4 acre because he just can't do it. After 2 years of doing it myself with one baby in a stroller and the other one in a port-a-crib both out on the porch so I could watch them while I mowed, I'd had enough. I know writing all of this stuff won't change a thing around my house, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening (reading). God bless :)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/11/2009 05:36:00 PM  

  • Update ladies: I posted awhile back saying my Dr. boyfriend disappeared, then I got a text on Christmas Eve, then he disappeared again. He's in the latter part of his residency and we're in a long distance relationship. Well ladies I had given him the boot before all that happened and he told me he's just been busy at work. I have decided that whether it's women or work it doesn't matter at this point because I have not heard from him in almost a month. His job is no excuse to pull a disappearing act with no warning. And I'm tired of giving him the idea that because of his job he can treat me like crap. Disappearing is his way of saying I'm just not that into you. So I'm moving on with my life.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/29/2009 12:53:00 PM  

  • I'm sorry things didn't work out, but it sounds like breaking up was for the best. Good luck!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/29/2009 08:35:00 PM  

  • To the girlfriend with the disappearing doctor boyfriend,
    Wish I could've seen the trees for the forest before I got stuck in the secondary role of wife and mother. I know it hurts to say goodbye, but you may have saved yourself years of loneliness and isolation.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/09/2009 07:57:00 PM  

  • Currently the gf of a surgeon, and well things just don't get any better. His hours are long, I only see him once a week and when I do he's too tired to do anything but sleep. I'm not sure what to feel anymore, I go from sad to happy to sad again all in a split second when I'm with him. I don't know how long I can keep this up before I have to go into therapy. Kudos to the women out there who married one and puts up with this on a daily basis. I'm about to call it quits if the next time I talk to him about our problems and he gives me the classic "you don't know how tired I am from the cases I have to do each day" speech. Well he obviously doesn't know how tired I am from not looking elsewhere for a real boyfriend or tired from getting ready for a date just to have him cancel on me at the last moment.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/11/2009 02:57:00 PM  

  • i am a fiancee of a med student currently at his final year of med school...we are planning to get married before he starts his residency...and yea...i was feeling lonely depressed...unwanted and unappreciated too... until i saw this page...and it sort of lighten me up when i know that others are feeling the same too... i can't talk to him too long everyday because he needs to read up....and i am expected to be supportive of his studies...i am...its just that i am only human and i too need attention just like every living thing on this earth... he tries to make time for me... but it isn't as the same before med school... oh and by the way..i dated my fiancee for nearly 5 years now... he is a great guy. And so deja vu-ly...he is saying some of the things that sooo many ppl mentioned here... " i will be better during my residency..." don worry... i will try to share some of my time with u...." hmm... now i highly doubt it...since so many ppl here mentioned that residency is far far more demanding that med school... i really hope that i can have the courage and strength to go through all this... especially when i have to sacrifice and move half of the earth to be with him when he starts his residency...

    too many ppl don realize the effort dr's partners is putting through to make him look like a hero... wifes should be given credit too....
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/04/2009 10:53:00 PM  

  • To the person who noted before this..I am pretty much in the same situation with you..although my fiance is in his third year we are getting married before his fourth year and sometimes I wonder what I am getting myself into. We have been together for five years too and I have been with him every step of the way and I feel so darn unappreciated at times. It is a huge sacrifice and sometimes I wonder if we hadn't been together so long before he got in med school would this have worked out. I think about our future on a daily basis, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of what the future holds for us. I love him and have invested too much time and effort into this, and have made the decision to be with him. I hate how I can go from feeling so happy and excited about us to just plain down and out about our relationship, and its all because of his moodiness with med school. I wish I had more people in real life to relate to on this. If they only knew but I'm glad this board exists. It helps.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/12/2009 09:33:00 PM  

  • I have just read through this entire comment trail and feel compelled to add a few notes about being married to an ER doctor (two years this May). My husband was already a thriving doctor when we met, so I did not endure the residency trials by his side. We met on-line and our first two years were the classic honeymoon romance. Incredible. Then we became engaged and since then (over four years ago) we have cyclical ups and downs. In a nutshell, this is my opinion on being a doctor's wife:
    1. It's a lonely road. While my hubby works evening/early morning hours, his awake hours are mid-day, but typically consumed with work-related activites, meetings, more sleep or couch potato behavior (I never would have married him if I knew how much TV he actually watches)...Doctors need 'down time' and once you figure out what your husband does for 'down time' you must honor it in order to maintain any level of sanity between you two (for my hubby it's the TV....I never intrude on that, I just bite my tongue and walk away....choose your own battles).
    2. Doctors are dynamic individuals. If they aren't consumed with their career, then they split their energies on outside hobbies that are just as time-consuming. Know this because any 'Honey-Do' list will be a joke and ultimately a point of contention-unless you are one of the rare and married to a doctor whose outside hobbies revolve around the home. I definitely don't have this reality.
    3. Success defines them. At least this is so for my husband. He is 'defined by what he does'. I find that when things go bad at work when he comes home I deal with a very short-tempered, highly critical husband who is cold and distant. It's too hard to come home and flip on the 'dear husband' switch. Is he capable? Of course, but it's not his priority nor on his mind....contrast this with a day when my husband has an excellent shift or is praised at some important meeting....I'll probably get sex in the afternoon, random hugs when cooking in the kitchen, random compliments...you get the idea. When he is successful, our home life is successful. When he feels like a failure, everything suffers.
    4. Your home will not be tended to so hire a gardener, pay the money for a bug exterminator service, get a housecleaner...in my situation, I live in a huge home (moved into his place-he already owned it prior to us getting serious) and since living here for 5 years, it's still not fully furnished, major projects are half done and now with a baby and another on the way, the home is really not being tended to as I don't have the time. Challenge: money. Yes, we have money, we have loads of money...but I am married to a man who came from nothing (projects-inner city child) and so his money earned is never enough. At least that's how it feels. Thus he wants to do all the projects himself as he thinks it will save money--but HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY TIME. So find a way to hire the help.
    5. Don't lose your sense of self-it's sooooo easy to get lost and disconnected from yourself because the challenges of being married to a doctor seem so darn draining...but, stay aware. Know your triggers, know how to retreat and find ways of inspiring yourself to continue to craft your own identity.
    6. Pride. Rightfully so, my husband is very educated and thus has knowledge that I would never even dream up--medical knowledge that is. Remember this-unless you studied the same grueling years of persistent medical jargon, endured the same hands on residency trials, etc... you have no sound medical opinion. Respect the doctor opinion, they worked hard to earn that opinion and when the person they choose to love in their life disputes their medical opinion....failure kicks in. Don't be part of this type of failure-it's devastating and can build walls instead of bridges between the two of you.
    7. You'll be a single parent. My husband, even when home, rarely changes my daughters diaper, he's bathed her probably four times total in her 10 months of life, and his interactions with her are short (unless I'm feeling sick or I pretty much force him to watch her)...Remember why you wanted to be a mother in the first place as you will really be THE PARENT...so if you don't have kids yet but are thinking about it, really think about it. Your entire life will change-you will work your butt off and your doctor spouse will get the credit for how wonderful your children are!
    FINAL NOTE: I'm not expert but as one previous commentor noted, she was married 30 years and the first time she thought of leaving her doctor husband was 29.5 years ago...i can empathize. I think about it almost every other month but will I? What keeps me grounded (despite the children that we have together) is an excellent statement a dear friend of mine shared years ago:
    REMEMBER WHAT YOU DO HAVE; DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE. You'll be ok if you make this be your morning mantra. Truthfully, remember what you do have...the qualities and character of your doctor spouse, then the other things...life security, shelter, etc. When you get lost with the 'I wish he would...or If only he would change' mind-set, you are walking on a path that will lead you toward separation.
    This is way too long, but I just felt compelled to share...it's not easy, but I aim to remain grounded in the midst of it all.
    Be well.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/07/2009 01:06:00 AM  

  • Excellent advice.....ironing in your bedroom while the kids run around the house, and just step in to settle the fights and kiss the boo-boos, gives you a break from the kids that you never get. He'll NEVER understand that you don't have a life except for the kids nor will he see how much he really isn't there emotionally or physically. Yes, I have it great not having to work outside the home, but also I have no other life than the kids,or the house. The only friends are those with kids the same age; no one to go with after "work" for wings(like he does). It could be worse especially in these economic times, but even family can't comprehend how lonely this life really is.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/08/2009 04:09:00 PM  

  • My ex-Doc boyfriend and I fell madly in love 3 years ago and moved in together about 2 months after we started dating. He was at the end of his first year of residency. He fully expected me to do all the housework, cooking, grocery shopping, take care of him etc. right from the get go, and I was like wha....?? I kept saying, "If you lived alone, you'd have to do something, so just humor me and do half that much. ...just a tiny little bit so that I don't feel like an idiot for playing a housewife role with someone I have been dating for just a few months who is giving nothing to the relationship." After a while, I tried to compromise and said, "OK, just come to the grocery store with me once a week. That's kind of like doing a chore, and we get time together..." But he wouldn't pull his nose out of a book for that even though it meant that I'd do all the cleaning, cooking...??? He did absolutely nothing around the apartment and would snooze the alarm 5 times in the morning but go bezerk on me if I accidently ever work him up because his time was so much more valuable than mine. Tons of stuff like that. After lots of my complaints, he decided we shouldn't live together because I was unhappy in 'the situation'. So rather than do dishes and take out the trash once in a while (or even just go grocery shopping with me), we got separate apartments in the same building, but then he realized that he had to spend time taking care of himself which left him with even less time for the relationship. I never complained about him not having time for me when he was working or studying, but he had his own agenda for his free time too, and his attitude was that I could join him in those activities (usually TV) or not. Even if we hadn't seen each other in a few days, he'd say, "I'm watching The Office. You can watch it with me or stay home and watch Grey's, but I'm really tired, so when The Office is over I'm going to bed. Oh, do you want to have dinner? If you don't wanna watch The Office, can you make some of that lentil soup and bring it over when you're done?" His parents don't speak English, so despite my own busy schedule I was going to Farsi classes, but he wouldn't sacrifice TV time to help me with Farsi homework. The funny thing was that I loved this guy so much that I was willing to do this for the rest of my life. I fully realized that I'd be the solo parent and have to do most social events as a functionally single woman. Probably a lot of social events during which I'd be speaking broken Farsi and not connecting with anybody because he wouldn't help me with my homework. =) His work didn't leave him enough time for me but also no time for him to grow as a person and realize what a jerk he was being. But I realized that his limitations were a part of him because of his 'cause' and I loved him unconditionally and wanted to make a life with him fully aware that it was going to be a hard one. But, in the end he dumped me because I wouldn't convert to Islam and that might upset his parents. Awesome. After 2.5 years and all of my efforts and my senseless decisions to love him so unconditionally. btw, I agreed to participate in raising Muslim children since I am not religious myself, but I couldn't falsely testify that I believed Mohammed was God's prophet. In retrospect, I'm really very happy that this relationship ended. Not because he was a doctor, but because he wasn't a good enough man to deserve a good 'doctor's wife.' Clearly, this is a hard job, and my ex does not deserve a woman who could do it. I googled 'life as a doctor's wife' today because another doctor (different specialty - radiology vs. radiation oncology) asked me out recently and I was wondering if all of my previous difficulties were more related to my ex or his profession. Sounds like most of the people writing here who truly think they married a great man are still having a hard time... but then again, somebody pointed out that the content ones aren't googling "life as a doctor's wife" or "lonely doctor's wife" and coming across this blog. I'm not really sure if I should blow this new guy off or not. He seems really sweet and smart, and he's so cute, but between his profession and my baggage from the last one...is there even a chance?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/18/2009 04:06:00 PM  

  • i am getting married to doctor who is gna start his residency after a month of our marriage and reading all this has really depressed me, i dont know anyone in the country hes going to be working in and my family isnt gna be there either, so i really dont know what to do anymore.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/24/2009 11:59:00 AM  

  • I've posted here only once before and haven't been back in awhile. You're right, it is a hard, lonely road even when you're married to a great guy. My husband tries so hard, but he's only human like me. We don't have a clean house all the time or a perfect relationship, but what we do have is an equal determination to make our marriage work. God brought us together and He's keeping us together...He gets all the credit. We would not still be married if God was not the foundation. I'm not a bible-thumping freak, but its the simple truth.

    We met online as well, got married 3 weeks after meeting in person and I moved away from everything I'd ever known. A new job, new city, new home, then he leaves 2 weeks later to go on a 2 month long rotation 1200 miles away (did I mention he's active duty army too?). I had NO idea what I was getting into! 3 years later after a few major depressive episodes, a year of meds, and lots of self control, I'm just now learning to cope, but its working.

    If you're with your man for the right reasons, don't give up. If he gives up on you, you should have no regrets for giving your all...you'll be rewarded for your sacrifice in one way or another, God's just good like that :) The road is long & the sacrifice great, but its worth it.

    If you love each other and both are equally willing to put in the work, there's no stoppin' ya. That "equally" part is the trick though, I definitely agree its not right of him to EXPECT you to just be okay with this kind of life. You both need to understand that both of your lives are equally hard for different reasons and be supportive of each other. Every fight we have boils down to this issue. So stinkin' HARD! But again, worth it.
    posted by Anonymous Season at 6/16/2009 07:27:00 PM  

  • Married 25 years to a doctor. My advice: don't do it, unless your spouse is going to be a dermatologist or a radiologist. Being married to a doctor is much worse than being a single parent-- I call it "single parent plus", because not only do you have to raise the kids alone, but you also have to take care of a cranky and unappreciative spouse who shows up all hours of the day and night wanting food, clean clothes and sex on demand. No amount of positive attitude can hold back the anger and resentment you will feel after spending years taking care of absolutely everything in your lives, including home, children, automobiles, finances, repairs, social events, church, school, sports, and relationships with both your families.

    And it's really not good for your kids, growing up with such a lopsided relationship as their primary role model. Plus I think doctors are often meaner to their kids than other parents, because their king-of-the-hill profession allows them to be demanding, impatient and autocratic all day at work, and gradually they become exactly the same way at home with you and the kids. Not to mention the pressure doctors put on their kids to be at the top of the class at all times, just like they were.

    That said, if you are already married, here's my advice:
    1. Know everything about your assets and finances. Insist that all assets (home, cars, bank accts, stock accts, etc) are held jointly--this means you must be listed as an owner on the deed or account, too. It is no joke that doctors often trade in their old spouses for newer models--they really do, and they often walk away with almost everything you both have worked for. Don't expect to get alimony or sympathy--it won't happen. I have seen it too many times and it is truly heartbreaking. So be prepared, even if you think it can't happen to you.
    2. Pay for help. Even if you are lucky enough to have family around. Being married to a doctor is a long and totally exhausting venture, so don't even think about mowing the lawn, painting a room or cleaning the house yourself--you've got to pace yourself or you will never survive. I know lots of doctors wives who even have drivers to take their kids to the endless lessons/games etc. Sounds ridiculous, but trust me, you need all the help you can get.
    3. Once your kids are school aged, take long and exotic vacations. Try to take at least 10 days every year, out of the country if possible. Even though you have to plan, pack and execute these big trips all by yourself, they will be just about the only times your family will spend together, and about the only "perk" you will get from the big doctor paycheck. Stay in huge suites in fabulous hotels and book all the side trips and activities.
    4. Stop waiting for your doctor spouse to participate and just raise your children the best you can. They will grow up faster than you can imagine, and they will love you wholeheartedly for always being the one who was there through thick and thin, and being the one who made time for them. It is not your job to beg, wheedle or nag your spouse into being a good parent. If they truly care, they will make time to be with the kids. If not, they will put their golf/tennis game, sports on TV, or million other hobbies first and just show up occasionally to do "filet of parenting"--that is, the fun stuff. Either way, it's not your decision, it's theirs, and they will reap exactly what they sow.
    5. Don't have a lot of kids. "Single parenting plus" gets geometrically harder the more kids you have.

    Good luck--you'll need it!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/25/2009 09:44:00 PM  

  • Wow. I just read all of these posts. I can relate to the comments made by married people, and I especially appreciated the comments made by the women who have been married longer than I have.
    It is hard to be a doctor's wife. There is no way around that. I struggled bitterly with the thought and realization that I was now living the life that I didn't want to live. I always said that I didn't want to be a doctor's wife. I didn't realize how hard it would be until we had a miscarriage, and then our son, who is almost two, and who longs for his daddy so much!
    I have had very serious postpartum depression and I haven't yet recovered. I know that being a "single mom plus" as one person wrote, has something to do with it, because I feel entirely unsupported as a person, and a mom. When my husband is home, he's not emotionally available. I think being a doctor is draining in every way. But on the days when he is home in time, he tries to really engage with our son, because our baby's love for his daddy is obvious.
    Also, being entirely alone from friends and family has been very hard for me, and I was a very independent person until I had a baby, with no sleep and no help. And no sleep coupled with continuous responsibility is what changes you, and it's what changes our husbands, too.
    I have felt a lot of resentment and anger, which I know that my baby has to experience, and that makes me feel worse.
    That all being said, I have to tell myself that I married a man, my husband. I didn't marry a doctor. That man has changed as he has gone through medical school and residency, but he is still mine, and he has a good heart, and a good mind. And sometimes I remind him of those things. Even though I am not living the life that I have dreamed of in many ways, I am learning how to adjust my plans for my life, to let go of my need to control ALL thing in my life (yes, predictability of my husband's schedule is an unmet and unrealistic longing), and to make a fun and meaningful life for my son and I. When Daddy is home, we welcome him. It's not what I wish for, but I believe that we'll be all right, and at the end of my life I'll say to my husband, "I'm still so glad that I married you!" I believe in him, and I believe in us as husband and wife, and as a family.
    posted by Blogger Shallena at 7/27/2009 10:20:00 PM  

  • if you're just dating a doctor or med student, GET OUT NOW. It only gets worse. It's an extremely lonely life, no matter how "independent" you are.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/28/2009 02:01:00 PM  

  • I have a question about my boyfriend would like to have some feedback from you all...

    My boyfriend has already graduated from the Medical school but need to pass 2 nine-hrs exams before getting in the residency, so he has been studying plus working 2 part time jobs. As a girlfriend of 4 months, I have already felt the pain of loneliness and he is not 'there' for me. I feel like I am 'chasing' him and not even on his 'list'. He only spend very very little time with me. All of my friends think he doesn't care about me and not even love me. But after I read all your posts, I wonder is my situation actually normal?? Did you have the same/similar situation as a wife/bf at the per-doctoral life???
    posted by Anonymous lacey at 8/29/2009 10:56:00 PM  

  • Your boyfriend's behavior is pretty normal. Honestly it will probably only intensify in residency. Doesn't mean you have to break up, just that you have to accept the fact that this profession demands all of his time and energy, leaving very little for you. :(
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/01/2009 09:02:00 AM  

  • Thank you so much for letting me know that. I appreciate it. I guess that's true though, thats the nature of his profession...

    posted by Anonymous Lacey at 9/01/2009 12:45:00 PM  

  • I never post comments, but it is midnight and this surgeon's wife is still waiting for the doc to get home from his last case. When he was in residency, I sat next to the program chairs wife at some dinner complaining that I couldn't wait till residency was over and things got easier. She told me "Honey, don't kid yourself, it just gets harder". I had two children back then and I know how you feel. Now it is 20 years later, we just sent our last one off to college. We have three, one just got married this summer, and two are in college. We never lived close to family, but visited a lot. We went camping a lot. We had some wonderful times and lonely times. We had some hard times our third child was born with Hirschsprung's and had to have his colon removed after he was born. Hardship is still there. The house is still not paid off. We aren't saving enough according to our accountant. And so on.
    But, resentment only builds resentment and that is not worth it. We just celebrated 26 years of marriage. I quit graduate school to put my husband through medical school because I didn't want to wait until forever to get married. I have always belonged to the Alliance. In medical school it was the medical students spouses group. In residency it was the resident's spouses group and in his fellowship years it was the same. We moved 7 times, and I had to make new friends each time. Now I still belong to our county Alliance and am involved in the state level. These women are like my sisters, they have helped me keep my sanity.
    As for the kids and Dad, I really worked hard at getting them pumped up for when Dad came home and since I was excited, they were excited. Probably, the best thing I ever did for my Husband and he thanked me, was to succor him into being the Webelos leader for our son's den. This led him on to helping with Boy Scouts, and eventually helped my husband actually make some friends and do something other than work, work, work. Be proud of your Dr. husband, but be proud of yourself too. We are superwomen, because only super women are able to do everything ourselves and make it all work out right in the end. I have a motto, nothing is impossible. We've even been able to fit in a little glamour now and then.

    If there is an Alliance in your county, a suggest you join it. If they don't have a play group for members with small children, start one up. I'm sure they would welcome it and it would be a way to share the complaints and destress with others in the same boat. It worked for me.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/08/2009 09:45:00 PM  

  • I've been reading everyone's comments and I feel sad for many of you. My husband is a physician and yes he works long hours but rarely have I felt its been too much to deal with (hardest time was probably when our kids were born). I told him from the start that I understood his commitment and that I would try to never make him feel guilty for studying/working. In turn, he's always made me his #1 priority, even when we first started dating while he was in medical school. I don't know, maybe he's just lucky I'm so understanding and I'm just lucky he always puts me/our kids first. I also enjoy just having my own time every now and then so it actually works out great. My mother-in-law gave us great advice during his residency as well: hire out people to do certain tasks like lawn maintenance, house-cleaning, etc. so you have more time to be together.

    Life is what you make it. My husband is a busy surgeon and I think we have a great life.
    posted by Anonymous SJ at 9/16/2009 08:26:00 PM  

  • do not do it unless you have FAMILY to help you assist w/ child rearing

    do not do it when the guy is still in med school..he is still a kid..climbing and digging..
    he has such a long way to go..and no time to give

    look for a guy who is completely done w/ school and residency..before u date him

    and MAKE SURE MAKE SURE MAKE SURE YOU HAVE FAMILY involved to help with the kids..
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/25/2009 10:12:00 AM  

  • Wow, I just read all of these post and finally feel like someone understands. I am dating a doctor or was dating a doctor for almost three years. I am twenty years younger than him, never married and no children, and trying to start my career.

    He is a DO, a head doctor at his clinic and more hoppies than I can count. More baggies than I can handle. Two divorces, a child, god-attitude.

    I have finally had it with no time, two hours late everytime. Takeing off on weekends for himself and leaving me behind.

    After reading these post I have realized nothing is going to change and marriage and children is out of the question. He already has a daughter that is in college that she calls him by his first name. I don't want my children to go threw that.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/13/2009 12:19:00 AM  

  • I am a GF of an EM resident. I am also in school for my RN degree. Honestly, I don't think it's that bad. He works 10 hour shifts 5 days per week. This means he has 2 days off a week. I think that's pretty good. I don't know if it will change when he becomes an attending physician. He told me that he will just work in shifts like, 12 hour shifts 3 to 4 days a week. For me, this is not a bad schedule. But I fear I am missing something. Maybe I am not well informed about some aspect of a doctor's life. I do notice one thing that bothers me so much, his sleepiness all the time. When we are driving in the car (I'm the driver) he falls asleep, on the couch, in the movie theater, right away in bed. This is one thing that I constantly nag him about. But other than this, everything is okay. So my question is: Does an EM doctor usually pick up a hectic schedule when they become an attending physician?

    BTW: So sorry to hear about the lonely parents. I can sympathize because I am a single mother of one boy from a previous relationship. Truly sorry and wish I could help in some way. If only you lived in my town we could really connect.
    posted by Blogger Diana at 10/27/2009 02:36:00 PM  

  • Diana, you're pretty fortunate to be with a EM doc. Most other residencies do not have shift work, so no, you're not missing anything, you just have it good :) Enjoy it! My husband is a urology surgical resident and works at least 6 days a week, on call every other day, and every other weekend...when he's lucky. His work days are typically 14-16 hrs, so we don't see a lot of each other and he has the same narcoleptic tendencies like you were describing. Who can blame him? I don't have any children, but do have 8 animals (thank God for them or I'd be on lonely street myself). Can't imagine having another human life to be responsible for in a time like this, so props to all who are raising 2-legged children with this lifestyle. My girlfriend is married to an IM resident and she has the same issues...I've watched her have a baby and raise it on her own this past year, and have concluded that she's much stronger than I :)
    posted by Anonymous Season at 11/08/2009 04:20:00 PM  

  • We should make this a blog??? I've read all these comments today while I've been at work...not working :)

    I hope I can make it thru residency and fellowship - my husband is a general surgeon right now in his 2nd year. So we have 4-6 more years of residency plus fellowship. I'm very scared and nervous and I've become more insecure - I'm not okay with some of the relationships he has with female docs or RNs.

    It would be such a nice place to have a sounding board. I'd also would like to know whose husband MDs are medicine versus surgery. Not to say that medicine isn't hard...its just different than the surgery life.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/18/2009 02:20:00 PM  

  • This comment is specifically for rather be riding, the Army doc's wife. I am an Army doc's wife of 12 years, throughout it all...med school, residency, fellowship, moves, and one whopper of an 18 month deployment with 2 kids under three, one nursing, both in diapers and no family around. IMO, I deserve a damn award. There is no amount of money that could pay for everything I've done and continue to do. That said, it can be done. Have faith.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/23/2009 06:15:00 PM  

  • www.sangambayard-c-m.com
    posted by Blogger evision at 4/11/2010 07:07:00 AM  

  • I have been married to a doctor for 17 years, and the loneliness has only gotten worse as time has gone on. Our time together is indeed quality time, but it is quantity that I need. The only way that I can cope with the incessant waiting is to distance myself from him, and that is sad. I know he loves me very much, but it just isn't enough. My advice to any one who is considering marrying a doctor for a glamorous life, forget it. If you can, turn and run away or you are condemned to a life of loneliness. Medicine is his Camilla.....
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/30/2010 06:01:00 PM  

  • I've been with my surgeon husband for 25 years, married for 18 of them. We have three kids. My husband came from a very close-knit traditional family that was very important to him a long time ago. No longer. Being a surgeon has absolutely changed him as a person. Whoever said that they married one person and now find themselves wondering who is this imposter who has taken his place, that is exactly how I feel. He was once warm, friendly and kind. Now it seems he is only like that to his patients. To me, his wife, not so much. He has told me he believes that I do nothing but spend his money, sit around with my friends, sleep all day. Nothing could be further from the truth. Is he kidding? He goes whole seasons without seeing one soccer game or practice. Could not name one of the kids' teachers. Has never been to a Dr. appointment. He never even drove me to the hospital when I delivered each of the kids. He was always on call, somewhere else.

    This is not what I signed up for. A comfortable lifestyle is about all we have together. Otherwise, nothing. He comes home to eat, sleep, change. He sleeps in a guest room at the far corner of the house because he is in bed by 8 and up by 3 in the morning to get in his daily 10 mile run before getting to the hospital at 5am. The kids see him for maybe an hour a day (more like seeing him move through the house), and that's on the days he comes home. These days he comes home about 4 days a week in a good week and in a bad week, maybe only 2 nights a week. Family vacations are nightmares because he hates being there. He does not know how to slow down or sit still. He is literally almost incapable of it. The exception is when he goes drinking with his coworkers, most of whom are female nurses. And yes, I know things have happened around closed doors when things get a little out of hand. It's impossible to mistake the looks I get. He denies everything of course.

    I would get a divorce but for my kids asking me not to. The one time I brought it up and asked how they would feel, my girls burst into tears. My husband does not want a divorce, he just does not want a wife. He does not want to be accountable to anyone. He's a surgeon, master of the universe. He does speaking engagements, he travels to conferences. Everyone looks up to him. He is God where he works. He does not want to come home these days and "just" be a regular old father or husband. He truly believes these days he is one step above normal men. He has told me "I could have any woman I want" implying I am no longer good enough for him. The only thing that keeps me going is the kids. My oldest sees what's going on. She sees that he does not call on Mother's Day or my birthday. She sees me cry.

    I envy the wives of doctors who have posted here that at least they know their husband still loves them and that he does what he can. My husband can't even do that. He may come home, he may not. He may even say he'll be home and then change his mind without letting me know. He just turns his cell phone off and never shows up. And if I dare to say anything to him, he just asks me what do I have to complain about, he keeps me in this big house and the bills are paid, how dare I make any demands on him.

    I do not know this man that I am married to. There is only one consolation in that I don't think he would leave me for another woman to start another family. He doesn't even want this one anymore.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/14/2010 12:00:00 PM  

  • As the child of two doctor's, all I can say is NEVER underestimate the impact that absentee parenting has on the long term stability of your children. So many Christmases, Easters and New Year's spent at home waiting for your dad to reappear from the hospital, only to watch him fall fast asleep on the couch. So many parent functions with only one parent. My sister is six years younger than me and suffered from anorexia nervosa for fourteen years- the stress of my father's job and his absenteeism contributed directly to her sense of insecurity and unworthiness. Many years watching my mother single handedly raise the two of us, while she sacrificed her own medical career because someone had to be home with the children and as a GP she was second in command to the anesthetist. My parents marriage ended in divorce a few years back as my father became swept up in the money side of medicine and the Mercedes and the beach house became the most important tags of success in a long and exhausting career. My mother's first piece of advice was 'never be a doctor, never marry a doctor'. My husband works in business and leaves at 8.30 and is home predictably by 5.30. My son loves him to bits. I still don't really know who my own father is, other than his identity as 'The Doctor'. A word of warning to all of you out there: keep a careful eye on your children as your lifestyle is most definitely having more of an impact than you can imagine.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/23/2010 10:22:00 PM  

  • My husband is a general surgeon (and also holds a PhD). His practice is busy, he's on call a lot, rounds twice a day everyd day, goes to lots of conferences and speaking engagements, hangs out with friends, etc. I am alone a lot and have my own business to run. We have kids and pets as well. The great part: we are happy together. I understand that the hands that hug me not only provide us with a comfortable living but they change and save many lives every single day. I am busy with my own work and the kids; I do not care when he comes home...I am busy. My strength and security as a businesswoman seems to make him want to be with me more than ever. He carves out time to take me to lunch, takes me with him on trips, etc. My days are tough but nothing compared to what he endured not only in med school and residency but each and every day as a surgeon. He knows that I respect and value that. I also have my own interests...I am not sitting at home with the kids waiting for him to come home. I realize there are women on this earth with much more difficult situations than mine!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/31/2010 05:20:00 AM  

  • What a pity party! I agree with the poster who said, many of you do need to get a life. Careers, hobbies, enjoy staying at home with the kids, etc. Do you want every breathing second with your spouse? Can you not cope managing the house, taking care of the kids and taking them to soccer practices? Many want there cake and eat it too. I have no complaints! I feel whole as a person. Many times my spouse has been there for school and other social functions. He is always there for Christmas, Bdays,s, first day of school,and school conferences. Doctors can take time off too. He is the boss,so he can modify his schedule. We play tennis togheter, watch movies, or just relax as I do realize he has a demanding job. I do alot on my own and I love it. It's nice to have some me time. I'm very independent and dont feel like I have to have him by myside all the time. I love my husband and the life he has provided for us. We enjoy taking 3 weeks of vacation every year. We live in a beautiful home which was paid for in 5years. No debt. Plenty of money in our brokerage accts. All those things are nice, however I want to empahasize the love we have for each other. My child is school age and dont need me as much. I am about to return to work parttime once I take a refresher coarse and renew my license. My job has been quite small compared to his. Taking care of our home, mowing the lawn, doing laundry, dinner and taking our kid to school. I have had the luxury of staying at home, participant in charity work, do scrapbooking classes and yoga etc, due to my husband income.
    I have friends that envy my lifestyle. Wish they could stay at home with their kids. Unfortunely, both parents work to try and make ends meet. Kids are in daycare or just left at home unattended. For those who posted their kid is missing out on a parent being gone most of the day, well these kids are missing out on both parents being a work most of the time and cant attend school functions because they have to work. I think maturity brings a different way of thinking about life. Doctors have demanding careers. No surprise there. We all have to work for a living. If you want more time choose someone that doesnt have a demanding career.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/08/2010 04:41:00 PM  

  • Agree, with the post above!
    My spouse provide a nice lifestyle and I too enjoy staying at home raising our kids. Me cleaning the house, cooking dinner and laundry is a small part to do. Much better than going out working 40 hrs a week. My hubby doesnt help with house chores nor do I expect him too. I do see this as my job and his job is the provider. His job is hard/demanding and being a doctor does come with high stress.
    We do spend quality time together and I dont feel like I'm last in his life. My spouse works 6 days a wk and is home by 6pm during the wk and 2pm on weekends, so most evenings we do have dinner together. After dinner, we spend some time with the kids, then I give them their baths and off to bed they go. Were able to watch a movie, cuddle and we always make time for sex. At least twice a week.

    I could have married my ex-boyfriend who mounted to nothing, but he has plenty of time. He lives off his wife, has 4 kids by 3 women. Works parttime off and on.
    His wife seems content just to have her man there.

    I was surprise to see so many negative comments about doctors.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/08/2010 05:12:00 PM  

  • Thank you very much for your post. I recently moved in with my partner who started his residency. I was never told on how hard it was going to be for me. Waiting for him 2 hours at a restaurant because his patient needed him, or having a pile of scrubs to wash, while making three meals a day. At the age of 23, I have bargained for more that I can handle. I can't imagine what it is going to be like when we have kids! Anyways, thank you. Though it may sound weird, it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this situation. Thank you and good-luck to you!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/10/2010 10:06:00 PM  

  • I have so many questions, but first I feel like I should explain the situation. I am in my late 20’s. I am a divorced single mother to a 6 year old. Have a BA, want to go back for a MS. Plan to always have a career, simply because I always have. I am used to being a single mom so I feel the pain of anyone who shares something similar!  My boyfriend is in his 30’s. Has several MS and MBA degrees, and has to be one of the most intelligent and driven people that I know. We are used to a long distance relationship, until a month ago we only saw each other every other weekend, or every weekend. My boyfriend has a very well established business career but want to try a hand a medicine. He honestly feels like he is wasting his brain in business stacking up cash when he could be making a difference. He will start me school in a year. We have something great now, but I am starting to get nervous!!!!! Part of me thinks that our situation is so unique that it might actually work (used to distance and single parenting and all) but it still scares me!!!!!!!!! My first question is, should I wait until he starts med school to start my MS that way we can enjoy the next year without either of us being too distracted, and have something to occupy my time while he is busy with med school… or should I knock as much of my degree out now as possible so that when he is in med school I will be able to devote any free time to his fleeting moments for togetherness (I don’t mean not being true to myself and doing what my degree requires, but using time for the commodity that it is, as wisely as possible to make the relationship work)? Also what types of doctors have the freest schedules? My fellow has no idea what type of medicine he wants to practice. He says he might even do research because he likes the lab setting. I would like to steer him (if that is even possible) to whatever types of medicine are most conducive to having a happy and healthy family at home. I am not sure I can “do it all”, and am seriously thinking that this blog makes me not want to have more children (I am ok with that, I have thought one more might be nice, but stopping here with one little love is ok too). I do appreciate everyone’s honesty and comments. After reading this blog I thought about running from my boyfriend in the opposite direction, but then I thought about the things most of you were saying. They are not that different from some things I feel about my first husband… If I had known then what I know now… but that is just it, I would have never given up without actually knowing, really knowing. So, as I know now things will not be easy (AT ALL) for me if I do end up with the doc, maybe you ladies can give me some input that can at least make it the best it possibly can be.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/22/2010 01:14:00 PM  

  • How very discouraging that this doesn't get better for some...

    I've been married to my doctor husband for 8 years, together for a total of 11. I've stuck by him from medical school, internship, residency and two fellowships. We have one child.

    I've been in denial of my feelings for quite some time, hoping things would get better. Perhaps this is whiny. Yes, I should probably figure out how to suck it up. But, it is not that simple in all cases.

    I am independent. I do have a career and I am quite accomplished. But, being a slave to the match, it is hard to live life in 2-3 year blocks and have no control over where the next move will take us. Some areas don't have jobs in my discipline. Yes, I can probably work from home, but it will entail much overnight travel, which is unfair to our child, to have to be without both parents. Not a solution for us.

    It is also difficult to find friends locally when you move every two years. Apparently I am the anomaly, as a working mother. All the other wives in my husband's programs are stay at home moms, so they have more opportunities to socialize with one another.

    This resentment has hit me kind of suddenly. I've always tried to be fair. I've always worked, often more than one job in the early years, so that he wouldn't have to moonlight and could take care of himself. I went back to work full time after having our daughter so that he wouldn't have to worry about being the breadwinner in a high cost of living area on a fellow's salary, and so that he could have time with his daughter (his co-fellows all moonlight a ton to support their families).

    I often wonder if our dysfunctional lifestyle is because I've enabled him throughout our marriage. I put myself second deliberately to support him. Reading the comments from the past 4 years, it seems regardless of my choices during our relationship, I probably would have wound up in second place anyway.

    I want to fight for a better life and marriage. I don't want to be "resigned" as a previous posted wrote. But I fear that I am on my way to resignation.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/25/2010 01:37:00 AM  

  • God Bless all of you ladies for sticking through think and thin. Life is not easy, and let me tell you.....You girls are SUPERWOMEN. I really respect you all for sticking through. I know you all will be blessed in due season. Thank you so much for all of your perserverence, hardship,patients, long-suffering endurance,and ENCOURAGEMENT. Do not forget to smile! Life is beautiful. As is writeen in Hebrews 13:5-6

    ~Be content with what you have, for God has said, "Never
    will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So say with
    confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid."

    There is always a God that is willing to help....just ask.
    - Hebrews 13:5,6
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/30/2010 08:29:00 PM  

  • I've been dating an Oncologist for 2 1/2 years now and we became engaged and moved in together 8 months ago. After we moved in together, I realized just how much he is not around. He gets home around 10 every night and sometimes it's even later. On the weekends, he's too exhausted to do anything together and just wants to sit around the house. I get in trouble if I do anything to disrupt his sleep -- I know this is important, but I am just needing some attention!

    I put the wedding off because I'm seriously contemplating whether I can live this way. I have a good job and work hard and I can appreciate his hard work, but I want a partner in life...someone to go to dinner with or take walks with or just talk with about the day once in awhile. I feel like such a fool -- everyone is so impressed when they hear you're marrying a doctor, while all I’m seeing is a lonely future in front of me. I’ve tried to explain this to my mom and friends, but they just don’t get it….they think I’m lucky. I'm tormented because I love him; I love that man who used to have time and energy for me. I don't want anyone else, I just don't know how to make this work.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/26/2010 05:06:00 PM  

  • Just found this website and this fits perfectly with this Post http://www.residencyfacts.com/RESIDENCYFACTS/MARRY_A_DOCTOR/MARRY_A_DOCTOR.html
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/17/2010 10:36:00 PM  

  • I've been married to a doctor for 17 years.We dated almost ten years before we got married. I thought I knew what I was getting into. I thought I was strong and independent and our love would supersede all else. We would have a magical life. Those OTHER people just don't know what they're doing. Well, I've been humbled.

    It does get better...because I've gotten better.
    I've experienced many of the things the other wives have: driving myself to the hospital to deliver my children, the only parent in sight for days, being treated as a receptionist at home, "Get so and so on the phone", drug reps! don't forget them. They are hired to schmooze your husband! Often, they are cheery, young, pretty and bring food to his office!

    It gets better because we, as wives, get wiser and stronger. I've developed many coping mechanisms through the years. Some are silly. Get up and put on nice clothes every day. It makes me feel prepared for whatever is coming my way. Others are more practical, like making sure my credentialing for my career is up to date. (Just knowing I have options gives me strength.) Hang on to your friends, but only good quality friends.

    I don't work outside of the home because someone needs to be around for the kids. My children would have zero parental involvement. Who takes them to the lessons and all the school functions? Yes, we could hire a nanny, but what is that saying to your children? They are important enough to have at least my time.You all were teenagers...I don't want any after school parties while I'm at work. Don't forget some other litigious parent wanting to sue you because their child fell into your pool while you weren't home. I just feel the need to be home, if I can.

    It also gets better because my children are older now. Its not as physically demanding. I have a bond with the children that my husband has unwittingly given to me. I almost feel bad for him in that respect.

    Would I do it all over again? Probably, I love my husband. I am proud of him...but I would never ever want my girls to marry a doctor! The spousal isolation is real and unnerving. Don't listen to the outside world when they tell you how easy your life is, know that you are being held to an impossibly high standard.

    I think we find our way, a way that's not ideal but one that works in our unique lifestyle. Godspeed ladies. I will say a prayer for all of you and would appreciate any you may have.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/12/2010 08:17:00 AM  

  • I am a doctor's daughter who is seriously considering proposing to the groomsman, who is a doctor, from my wedding. After a very tumultuous marriage to a brilliant attorney, who I might add touches anything and it turns to gold, I know that a doctor husband is NOT ALL THAT BAD, girls, "let me tell ya". Back some years ago, during my young marriage, this doctor and his Mother, told me in confidence that I had married a misoginist. Being QUITE NAIEVE and not fully understanding where the two were coming from and also not comprehending the full meaning of the word, I tucked it into my subconscious and went on with a 7 year long marriage. It was only after my conceiving a precious little boy baby that I exited the scene hastily because my "husband" filed for a divorce as soon as he realized that I was expecting. i had the prescence of mind, back then, to name my darling little baby boy after DR. TOM and have never regretted it. I will keep you posted about this plan. Please all of you wish me well. He is "single again" so what the heck.
    posted by Blogger UNO at 11/28/2010 03:14:00 PM  

  • Hi, I am not married to a medical doctor, but to a dentist. He has more time at home but is mostly emotionally unavailable. His office staff worships him. I cannot compete with that so I gave up. He does not need me. We live in small town and I get the,"Oh, how great you are married to a dentist, especially him, he is so great. You must be so happy!" Wow, they assume he is as engaged with me as he is the office staff and patients! We cannot have conflict, because, after all, he is perfect and I am just somehow defective from the cradle if I am not overjoyed at living in his reflective glow. I got tired of it and am on the path to a new career.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 12/20/2010 08:10:00 PM  

  • hmmm...just read a few of these posts. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years! He is a first year resident Dr. and we are actually going through our first "struggle" in our marriage. I think the struggle was always there...it was just always "building" over time. Because of all the demands the medical profession puts on a marriage, you tend to ignore your issues until you can't ignore them anymore (because you put them off..because you so desperately want your time together not to be spent arguing and nagging about "things")...so anyway,after 4.5 years of marriage we seperated for 2 months, took individual counseling, and now we are on the road to couples' counseling. I will say (as a positive note)...as a doctors wife, you've not only got to work hard and sacrifice; you've got to unfortunately TEST your husbands' abilities in his own priorities! Test him, see if a desperate situation (seperation) would lead him to step up to the plate and DO the chores around the house, test him to see if he WILL answer that phone in the middle of a shift or the middle of the night. Show no fear and no mercy...test the limits of the limitless profession in your doctor!! If you don't then you will only drown deeper in despair! Keep in touch with several groups of people in your life (if you enjoy social life)...stay in contact with them as much as possible!!! Go out often with girlfriends who AREN'T married to doctors (for that fresh pace of not being reminded of the hardships you endure daily)...and keep a good family base of outside family members to chat with every now and again just for that moral support you may not get anywhere else.
    I'm not sayin my "solutions" are the answer to every doctor wife, we're still hanging by a thread...but I've learned so much in this "new attitude" I've adopted!! I've learned that I've gotta forget about the money, I've gotta forget about the 'doctor' aspect of my husband's life and pretend he's just like all the other men in the world that work for a living (and test that he made your marriage a priority in his life)...more often than not, the man is a doctor (and chose to be one and chose to be with you!)and has no time for a life and NEEDS you to escape those demands, so do yourself a favor and treat him just as if he were an "insurance agent/salesclerk/professor/etc" as your husband and NOT a doctor!!! It may seem hard at first, but if you do this, then you are becoming a new woman right before his eyes and he'll thank you later for it! You will be not "enabling" him further into this "treatment" of "he's a doctor and he works harder than the average man"...treat him like a normal human being and set boundaries for yourself, so that you still have self-respect and admiration from him! Let him know that he can't just "have sex" because he's only got a "mini-break"..tell him he's gotta "wine and dine you" first to put you in that mood (meaning on a regualar basis)....I once bought a book called 1001 ways to be romantic and i highlighted everything in the book that i liked and would like him to do for me...gave it to him and it has done wonders for us!!!:) Docotors are scientists 1st, you've gotta understand, they sometimes need you to spell it out to them...the only sacrifice you will be making is working harder for your own self-respect..and enduring through tests of patience, but if you can fill those spaces of "loneliness" and patience with girl-nights-out and family get-togethers,etc...I think you might survive:) and still have a little love left in your heart for him to give him what he needs from you, which is ultimately just your love and support...if he married you for you, then he will love you for you (revolt,rebel,nag,"new attitude") and all:)
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/04/2011 11:32:00 PM  

  • Hi. I am a single mom and I think you, as a wife of somebody who works, has it slightly better than a single mother. My reasoning is this: You have two kids (me too), you dont have to worry about leaving your kids somewhere in order to earn money to feed and clothe those two kids. You have a partner who works his ass off so that you dont HAVE to stress over where your next meal is coming from, how are you going to heat the house, etc. So from that perspective, you are the main parent in the situation but you are NOT a single parent. I trust you have a ring that certifies that fact.

    You have a great blog here, and I look forward to reading more of it. My situation is slightly different but we both have medical partners. I have two children from a previous relationship. God could've made me fall in love with anyone but He chose him. And 'him' just happens to be an emergency physician with plans to wed this summer.
    posted by Anonymous ChiChi at 2/18/2011 05:38:00 PM  

  • I have been dating a pm&r 2nd year resident about 4 years now..the last two years of which has blossomed into a serious relationship also in these last two years he has graduated medical school and moved back to his home state to start his residency so now we live 5 hours away from each other and travel back and forth when we are free from school and work...we have talked about marriage and possibly starting a family when he finishes his residency but I have a fear that I have read in these previous post...and its that i will be the main provider or shall i say the sole provider in the home. My question is should I discuss this with him and let him know how I feel about this?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/24/2011 11:18:00 PM  

  • I came across this site when I googled "being a doctor's wife". I wanted to hear the experiences of those wives that go through loneliness, waiting for their Dr husbands to come home, wanting to spend some time with the husbands or boyfriends etc. Really, I wanted to hear positive stories on how to get through it all. Reading a lot of these stories they are quite sad and i feel very sorry for those that have had it tough -esp raising children and feeling like they did it alone.

    I'm a Dr's wife and atm my husband has been on-call over the weekend and has probably had 7 hours sleep over the 3 days. It is tough and I miss him dearly but I also know that he misses me too but this is his job and his patients need him more than I and I look forward to when we can spend time together. It's not the end of the world - it's only a couple of days.

    I have read some of the stories from wives that have been positive and thank you for sharing your experiences.

    My advice is appreciate the independence you have. It makes you stronger and you keep your identity. I know that being in a relationship you can sometimes forget who you are and dedicate your time and effort for your partner or children. Your husband will love you more / keep loving you if you are a strong minded woman. It's attractive to an intelligent man...to a Doctor.

    Your husbands are around female doctors, nurses and drug rep's - most of them are attractive and smart females, therefore you need to be confident and also independent to keep him interested in you. It's nice having stories to tell your partner that isn't related to the kids or how you've been feeling and your partner wants to hear different stories too.

    I've been with my husband for 7 yrs (married for 3mths). You have to get use to this life style with them being absent most of the time, so you need to make it work and make it work for you to be happy.

    Our partners are ambitious and pasionate Doctors and I know we all respect them for what they do but lets also be supportive and make their lives interesting at home and in the relationship.

    Embrace the freedom you have and make something of yourself. You have the finance to back you up and the time. Only thing missing is your husband not always being home in the morning or at night but ladies it doesn't mean they dont love you.
    posted by Blogger t_fawcett888 at 2/26/2011 09:23:00 PM  

  • I just googled how to deal with being a doctors wife and this came up, right after how to deal with depression. Im engaged to a wonderful boy who is almost done with med school and i feel like i havent seen him in forever. I wanted to see if it ever changes. I enjoyed reading this and finding out it doesnt. thank you for the insight.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/28/2011 06:04:00 PM  

  • Alright...I feel kind of like a salmon in a pod of dolphins, but this seems to be a place for me to get advice.
    I'm 23, a surgical resident, and am thinking of applying with the Forces so I can get some notches on my belt in terms of obtaining a trauma fellowship.
    I'm about to propose to a wonderful woman who is slightly older than I am, and am hoping to get married within the next year or so (we've known each other for three years).
    Reading this comment section...how do you ladies recommend I make her feel 'wanted'. I try not to bring my work home so that she does not feel it runs our lives, but she asks about it all the same. That does not frustrate me, I just don't want to be the ass who does nothing but think and talk about procedures, lectures and rounds.
    I really don't want her to feel as a second priority in my life. I truly do love her. The gist of my question is will I be doing justice to her, or will I be dooming her by asking her to be my partner?
    Also, advice in general is appreciated.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/05/2011 02:17:00 PM  

  • To the surgical resident,

    I don't think you will be dooming her by asking her to be your future wife because of your occupation. It will be her or it will be another lady you meet in the future.If you love this girl then she is the one for you.
    She would have experienced the long hours you work so she knows what she is getting into by being with you and being with you as a doctor. Ask her how she would feel having a long term relationship with a doctor and the hours they work including training, studying, working odd hours and not always being able to be there for her - but not because you don't want to but because you have to work. I admit it's not a normal relationship where your partner the doctor works a 9 to 5 job, but when you love someone you support them, their career and goals as they would for you.
    It's very thoughtful of you to consider your partners feelings and her future based on your career. I do feel I am 2nd priority to my husband at times but I know when he is at work he wishes he is at home or hanging with his friends so being 2nd priority - sometimes, doesn't make me doubt his love or commitment to me.
    I hope your girlfriend is a strong and supportive person because she has to be to make your life easy and normal as possible as well as hers.
    My best advice is to ask her how she feels being with you and how she deals with the hours you work and not always being there.
    Asking a girl how she feels and telling her how appreciative you are of her, will make her feel loved and noticed by you for being a supportive, strong girlfriend...this will help make her feel wanted.
    (ps: there will always be times where she is strong for you and there will be times where she will crack and crumble because your not always there, but reassurance from you will pick her back up.)

    Keep me posted and good luck.
    posted by Blogger TJ at 5/08/2011 06:44:00 AM  

  • 23, wife of a 3rd year surgical resident. And contemplating this very lonley path Ive chosen. Its so sad because hes a good person, and we both love each other so much. But this is becoming too unhealthy for me, emotionally and physically. Thank you all for your feedback-whether good or bad. I shall see where this takes me. Id also like to note, Im in the medical field with a full time job, working with patients every day. It doesnt always mean you "understand" why your spouse cant be there for you, or get a chance to "call..back."
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 5/26/2011 01:18:00 AM  

  • stumbled upon this...can only say soon to be an EX doctors wife ...
    my husband HAS taken it further with the nurses that flirt (I am a nurse but stayed at home when we had kids). I personally know staff will openly offer themself to DOCTORS - husbands with low self esteem or alternatively a belief of entitlement, as in my case, PLEASE no lectures on relationships...women in the hospital are easy and often offer themselves up...if you do not have a strong relationship, you are nieve to think the Dr is not taking adventage of what is offered to him. Sorry, but life with a doc can stink...
    MOM OF 4 always and still single mom
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/23/2011 08:28:00 PM  

  • 25 years old, I came across this blog tonight and I have to say that reading some of these comments made me feel much better about my decision of ending my relationship with a soon-to-be medical resident. We were together for 4.5 years.. 1 year of university and almost all of medical school. Through medical school, he rarely had time for me (I wound up spending bdays without him, alone at friend's weddings, etc.) and the time that he did have free he would opt to spend it with his friends instead. He always talked about wanting to get married and how I was important but I never felt it from him. I'm the type of woman who wants her husband to be around for dinner and eventually, the kids. I was told that if he didn't make time for me in medical school, then it wouldn't get any better in residency. As difficult as it was to end such a long relationship, I'm glad that I did because looking back, I wouldn't have been happy if I had gone down the path of being an ER doctor's wife. Especially married to one who doesn't make me a priority. I am now dating a teacher (I'm an educator myself) and although we will probably never have the giant house with 2 BMW's; we share a passion for teaching and he has plenty of time for me! I'm glad that I ended things with my ex when I did. Although we cared about each other a great deal, it was 4.5 years of ups and downs and often feelings of loneliness and disappointment and I'm glad I didn't spend another 4 years during his upcoming residency to realize that it wasn't the path for me.

    Good luck to all of you! Maybe I just didn't have the strength and patience to be a Doctor's wife. Kudoos to those of you who do!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/18/2011 11:07:00 PM  

  • I am also married to a Doctor, a specialist. I don’t know what life other people are talking about, my life is definitely nothing close to glamorous, I would even go on to say, it’s a curse. The thing about doctors is that they NEVER STOP. I honestly think they do not let themselves SLOW DOWN. my hubby is a good person. I knew him since when I was 16 years old... but we didnt get marry until we were 30 because he is too busy with school. MD-PHD!! It took us a long time to have kids, ‘cause most nights (or day), he is just too tired and stressed out to do anything. Oh yes, not to forget, he gets sick more frequently than anyone else in our family, he get germs from the hospital and bring it home for our kids. I used to get very upset, but now.. I just ask the kids to stay away from him until he takes a shower 1st. As for money, there are NONE in the first 8 year. I am an engineer, and for years I supported our family. Those years were tough, I was a cleaning lady, a full time mom, a full time engineer, the bank, and worst of all, an emotional stabilizer for him Doctors go through tremendous amount of emotional ups and downs, there are just too many IMPORTANT exams, evaluations to stress over... this part was drains me most.. I am very lucky that my kids are adorable and extremely well tempered. They are all about kisses, hugs, and “ma ma I love you”. Their unconditional love makes up for my absent, cranky husband. If it wasn’t for my kids, I think I would have sunk into deeper depression. . In my younger years, I would complain to him that I need more positive attention from he, and he would get very irritated saying “you need this, you need that, what did you ever do for me? I don’t see you miss a night of sleep or working 80 hours a week, saving people’s life... blab la bla..”

    I came to learn the sad truth that the life doctors have is just... sad... and my heart goes out to the families of doctors, (especially specialists). Some times... for brief seconds, I wish I didn’t meet him when I was 16. I pray everyday for GOD to show me how to deal with my frustration. He is done residency now, but I still don’t see much light.. his schedule did not change much as his is taking on a research position too. I suppose maybe, the glamorous life belongs to those who marry OLDER DOCTORS (age 40 and up) ??

    I wish Doctors will read this site, then they will be able to see how emotionally suppressed their wives are.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/31/2011 09:23:00 AM  

  • Im a female doctor. I broke up with a longtime bf because he never understood my work plus all the extra hours i put into. and now i try to avoid being in a relationship because it interferes too much with my work. i have to say i understand what you all are feeling. but you also need to understand that being a doctor is a life of SERVICE and there are only a few doctors around. So imagine going to a hospital with no doctors on duty (and its an emergency!) because they refuse to go in for work because they have/need to spend quality time with family? Now imagine YOU or someone close to you happens to be the patient? Its a different ballgame all together isn't it? Doctors took an oath to take care of the sick. If you girls are suffering, how much more us doctors who are WORKING? Just a thought anyway :)

    p.s. i always thought doctors need to marry fellow doctors. we understand each other better, thats all.
    posted by Blogger djcaa at 9/01/2011 08:15:00 AM  

  • "p.s. i always thought doctors need to marry fellow doctors. we understand each other better, thats all."

    That is truly insulting to the hundreds of women who left their heart out on the line about how DIFFICULT it is to support a "Professional Professional" of any kind (doctor, lawyer, executive, etc).

    You know who understands Doctors the best? THEIR WIVES.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 9/20/2011 08:30:00 PM  

  • Yep another lonely wife here, another night waiting for him to come home, our 5 month old son went to bed hours ago without seeing him, for the 5th night this week.
    I remember having a 'crossroads' kind of crisis a few years ago when we were living overseas so he could do some specialist training, he was working extrememly long hours and I felt like I was looking 'down the barrel' of my future. I needed to decide if I wanted this life for myself and our kids, we talked alot about it, and the conclusion was the crazy hours wouldnt last forever. I'm now kicking myself for making the decision to stay, sure we have more than enough money, but I would give it all up to have my partner home and for him to know his son. I can't talk to anyone about this because no one can understand what i'm 'complaining' about, it has made life very lonely.
    I'm a theatre nurse myself so I get what keeps them late and how long and complicated surgery can be, its just as others have said, the sad reality of being the support of these wonderful Doctors.
    For any young women or men out there contempleting their future with a specialist surgeon (I dont have experience of other Doc's) I would take the decision to have family very seriously and follow your gut on this one. I have a beautiful son, who has given my life light and meaning but have made a huge sacrifice in the process.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/12/2011 12:52:00 AM  

  • Find a group that will offer male interaction like soccer, Tball, etc. and talk about his Father always in a positive supportive way and take photos, everyday photos to keep visible for Dad and son at all times. This makes both Dad and son constantly aware of each other. It works both ways and Dad can send texts, photos instantaneously with proper phone. I grew up without the miracle of cell phones but only seeing my Father when he was falling asleep at the table or asleep on the couch with all 7 of us around him. He took us to the Lake every chance he got and my memories of those times are very real. I never wanted for anything in my young life however my Mother constantly complained about him and was unable to assume financial responsibility due to SEVERE deprivation both emotional and financial throughout her childhood. I married the same kind of man, an attorney and now that I have raised a disabled son I too am greatful for at least the continued financial support he has shown his son. I made my own life as did my Mother. She used to laugh about the saying "two ships passing in the night"...at least she was able to keep her sense of humor. I lost mine after 7 years of abuse but a sense of humor and being able to become the Father/Mother figure is essential to raise the family of a physician or an attorney but the money makes up for A LOT.
    posted by Blogger UNO at 10/13/2011 11:50:00 AM  

  • I've enjoyed reading these comments. I found this blog by googling "how to date a doctor" My boyfriend is a first year surgical intern. We've only been dating for 2 months and it's already hard. We're not "in love" yet and I don't know where this is going, but I'm enjoying the process. I wish we could spend more time together, but being in the medical field myself I understand the long hours. From what I can conclude so far, this is not going to get easier, but it really comes down to who he is as a person.

    If anything, this blog makes me appreciate him even more. Obviously he's exhausted and he definitely fell asleep on the couch at 9 on Friday night (and last week was an easier week) but he doesn't have to talk to me EVERY day, and he doesn't have to turn over at night and say "thank you" to acknowledge this is work for me too. He already warns me "it's not going to get easier".

    When we first started dating, he said his goal was to not let work take over his life, and he also said it's possible to start a relationship in residency, it just depends on how much effort you're willing to put into it.

    I don't know if this relationship will work out yet, but I'm almost positive that if it doesn't, it won't be because he's a surgeon.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/23/2011 08:08:00 PM  

  • 35 years ago I married the love of my life. He still is and always will be. Over those 35 years I have seen him for an average of 2 full Sundays a year; many, but not all full days of Christmas. I have followed where he wanted and needed for his career. I spent those years when our children were growing up as an almost single mom (We have to remember and respect those women who never have anyone even at the end of a phone.). He was there for every play, important presentation and graduation. We did take a trip together almost every year, but there have been even more trips taken alone. The children have been grown and gone for more than ten years. I usually visit them by myself. He would love to, but rarely can. I used to spend as much time as possible trying to follow my own interest and career, so I could stave off some of the loneliness, but I needed to be there for the children. Then, travel for his work made my work usually impossible (location; time to be there when he had time.) I made that choice, so we could spend some time together. Now I am 60 and wonder where my life went. I used to fill some of it with travel, but times and resources have changed, so there is little left for exotic travel or anything else that requires extra funds. Luckily, we still have enough so I can see our children.I used to spend time with my friends, but they are all thousands of miles away with their families in homes they have had for years.My husband has found a wonderful new job he loves in an area of medicine he has always practiced well and with enthusiasm and integrity. I am alone in a house that requires years of work, which I will be doing myself. There is only one opening here for someone in my profession and not for someone at age 60. My salary would not even begin to cover the cost of what is needed to re-do the house more quickly. Am I fortunate to have a house? Yes. But, we had to choose one that needed work (a long, long story). I could have made the decision long ago to follow a career, but that would have taken me away from my husband. My greatest friendship in my life has been with my husband, and my greatest loneliness has been from my relationship with my husband. Does he really understand after all these years? No. He spends his days with so many people that demand so much from him, that he cannot possibly understand what it is to always be the one who waits. I have little advice for anyone who is soon to be married to a physician or who has only been married to one for a few years. We each choose our own paths. I would only say, that if you wish to be a stay at home parent and/or allow your goals in life to be second to his/hers, then review what you are doing from time to time. A physicians career can direct the lives of everyone in the family. We managed to avoid that to a great extent with our children, but I forgot to check on me.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/28/2011 01:13:00 PM  

  • In just reading all of your comments, its nice to know i'm not alone in my feelings

    I am 30 year old business woman that is independant WHO has supported him financially and emotionally throughout the past 5 years including residency and his fellowship. I feel neglected, under appreciated and ALONE.

    Like any job there are perks to his career- like for instance, if I'm not feeling well - he takes amazing care of me. 2) He's happy if i'm happy - I get full freedom to do whatever I please. Now that he's raking in the dough it now includes traveling multiple times of the year to luxurious places, sometimes with or without him. 3) I get respect from others because of his line of work. Not mine. 4) I married him because like many of you have mentioned, your man is good hearted. --- sure they make bad decisions one in a while and getting undivided attention is impossible but then again arent most men that way.

    Here are the cons: 1) I'm alone, and he's always late. I'm full of negativity because I do everything, my husband has never cooked himself a meal unless you count ramen noodles, I feel UNDERAPPRECIATED - really would it hurt him to come home with some bloody flowers 2) I cant complain to others because my husband is a saint. ugh. Nobody ever understands. 3) He doesnt want to talk to me unless i'm happy, can't deal with my emotional issues. Apparently i'm too negative for him and he's around negativity all day. 4) Crappy Sex Life - I get two weekends a month! If i'm lucky. 5) His phone rings in bed

    Anywhoo the list could go on but then I'd be here for awhile. So here's a little advice.

    1) Attend all of his events, visit him and memorize as many names as you can, work the room and make sure others know who you are and most importantly dress the part. I still laugh at his first work event, the Christmas party, I dressed in the tightest and most flattering outfit I could find with 5 inch Louboutins -- well lets just say it must have been the ugly sweater xmas party. I was mortified for him not telling me the dress code. Anyways well lets just say my husband received countless compliments about my appearance the next day from quite a few of his female nurses and even his counterparts. Lets say in a weird way - he was proud to have me there. 2) Go through his schedule and plan a date night. Just the two of you. I try to squeeze in a date night once a week, since implenting it- our communication has dramatically improved. 3) Go on vacations, force him. If he doesnt go, then plan a girls getaway. 4) Try NOT to think of what you DONT have but focus on what you HAVE!

    I know I have a hard working husband who loves me.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/29/2011 12:47:00 AM  

  • In just reading all of your comments, its nice to know i'm not alone in my feelings

    I am 30 year old business woman that is independant WHO has supported him financially and emotionally throughout the past 5 years including residency and his fellowship. I feel neglected, under appreciated and ALONE.

    However I understand like any job there are perks to his career- like for instance, if I'm not feeling well - he takes amazing care of me. 2) He's happy if i'm happy - I get full freedom to do whatever I please. Now that he's raking in the dough it includes traveling multiple times throughout the year to luxurious places, sometimes with or without him. 3) I get respect from others because of his line of work. Not mine. 4) I married him because like many of you have mentioned, your man is good hearted. --- sure they make bad decisions once in a while and getting undivided attention is impossible but then again arent most men that way.

    Here are the cons: 1) I'm alone, and he's always late. I'm full of negativity because I do everything, my husband has never cooked himself a meal unless you count ramen noodles, I feel UNDERAPPRECIATED - really would it hurt him to come home with some bloody flowers 2) I cant complain to others because my husband is a saint. ugh. Nobody ever understands. 3) He doesnt want to talk to me unless i'm happy, can't deal with my emotional issues. Apparently i'm too negative for him and he's around negativity all day. 4) Crappy Sex Life - I get two weekends a month! If i'm lucky. 5) His phone rings in bed

    Anywhoo the list could go on but then I'd be here for awhile. So here's a little advice.

    1) Attend all of his events, visit him and memorize as many names as you can, work the room and make sure others know who you are and most importantly dress the part. I still laugh at his first work event, the Christmas party, I dressed in the tightest and most flattering outfit I could find with 5 inch Louboutins -- well lets just say it must have been the ugly sweater xmas party. I was mortified for him not telling me the dress code. Anyways well lets just say my husband received countless compliments about my appearance the next day from quite a few of his female nurses and even his counterparts. Lets say in a weird way - he was proud to have me there. 2) Go through his schedule and plan a date night. Just the two of you. I try to squeeze in a date night once a week, since implenting it- our communication has dramatically improved. 3) Go on vacations, force him. If he doesnt go, then plan a girls getaway. 4) Try NOT to think of what you DONT have but focus on what you HAVE!

    I know I have a hard working husband who loves me.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 11/29/2011 12:52:00 AM  

  • Ok, i know this was written 6 years ago, but thanks for giving women a place to vent all their frustrations...i found this site because i was feeling lonely tonight. my husband is currently in the hospital delivering a baby...but that could take hours so i really have no idea when he'll be home. Now, I'm lying all alone in bed at 4am...not because i want to wait for him, but because sometimes i just find myself waiting for him even though i'd rather be asleep.

    I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant with my first child and when i got pregnant, i was happy to know that my baby will have the best opportunites available to him/her just because we have the means to provide this child with those opportunities...i grew up in a home where opportunities were limited because my parents didn't have a lot of money. So although it has been a lonely road up to this point, i am grateful for my husband's work because i know that my child will never go hungry as many children in this world are hungry.

    I have to admit, when i first started writing, i wanted to complain about the long hours and how insensitive he is, etc...but as i'm writing this, i can't help but feel sorry for my husband that he has to sacrifice sleep in a warm bed tonight because he has to help a woman give birth to her child...in 9 months, when i give birth to my own child, another doctor may have to sacrifice sleep to help me deliver my precious little cargo...

    For the first time, i am looking not trough the eyes of a lonely doctor's wife, but through the eyes of the patient who is in pain and in need of medical attention...i understand now the sacrifices doctors have to make so that you and i may have the best care possible. This does not take away the loneliness and negativities of being a doctor's wife, of course, but it gives me a newfound appreciation for my husband's line of work. When i am sick, i know he will be there to help me get better.

    I guess it does help to focus on what you have rather than what you don't have as was written on a previous post...years ago. I have a wonderful man in my life...every night before we go to sleep, we always have "cuddle time"...every morning when we wake up (sometimes at 4am), he reaches for me and we pray together for God to give us the strength to get through the day and to be good examples to those we encounter.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/14/2012 06:48:00 AM  

  • You don't like it? Well then you shouldn't have married a man who would have had to slave at his job every waking hour to support your lazy entitled ass.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 1/27/2012 09:46:00 AM  

  • Priests aren't the ones who shouldn't marry; doctors are. They simply don't have time to be good at anything other than the practice of medicine. My advice to people dating physicians or soon-to-be-physicians: bail. Same goes to those who have married a doc but haven't yet had kids. Get out and find someone who will actually be a member of his family.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/29/2012 05:55:00 PM  

  • I've posted before, and things have NOT improved, if anything they've grown worse. When will I wake up and realize he is not there for me and the kids, that I can't depend on him? He has his own life with work, his hobbies, and the people he works with as friends. I have MY kids. My kids and I are the true family, he's just a shadow that hangs out with us once and awhile. And with work, his hobbies, and his sleep schedule, there really is no marraige left. I am alone, and very lonely. It eats away at me, I'm in a very dark place and there is no way out! I NEVER would've married him if I'd known how much time I would be spending alone, or just with my kids. But I have to stay and raise my kids, and at 60 am I really going to start over?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 3/22/2012 09:18:00 PM  

  • I am married to a specialist Surgeon and yes I agree with nearly all the comments made here.
    I had the additional problem of having a husband who wants to do everything himself which included building our first one bedroomed thatch cottage, I am being quite literal as he did everything himself, brickwork, electrics, plumbing, drains, etc. It took 6 years and the first year I fell pregnant and had no toilet from 7months to 2 months after our son was born. It was on an agricultural plot and so the nearest neighbor was one acre away but they very kindly let me use their bathroom (nighttime was a different story !!!)
    It would take a book to actually tell you all the stories about this, but i will just skip it for now.
    He also decided to build additions to our present house, again whilst I was pregnant and 19 years later he is still "building" onto it or fixing stuff still not finished, it drives me insane. He is German so is a perfectionist and will not get anyone in to work on it. I have become a good grouter, painter and tiler amongst other building skills I have aquired over the years.
    We eventually had three sons and like most other writers called myself a single married mother of three, always on my own at school functions, it was funny when the headmaster at the high school saw me once with hubby and he commented that he thought I was divorced because I had always been on my own.
    I forgot to mention that when he was studying for his surgical speciality exams he was also doing a B.A degree, for fun.
    We get very little attention from him as everything seems to take priority, I have had many an argument about being on my own, but nothing changes. He just seems to add things to his never ending list of jobs.
    My boys have been my life and now two of them have gone away to University and I only see them twice a year, my youngest will be leaving in Jan 2013 and I am so dreading that time.
    My Mum had been living with us for 22 years and so I had got her for company, but she passed away just before Christmas and now I am feeling quite desperate. I found this page quite by chance. Feeling so very lonely as again I sat and ate supper on my own, I wanted to see if my life was normal and saw that yes for a Doctors wife it is. He eventually only arrived home after eight, my son was so upset as he had been trying to get his dad to go with him to get his 18th birthday present at the shops, its now nearly 2 weeks after his birthday and he still hasn't found the time. So he was ranting much better about his dad, this ended up in a major row and hubby told me he was fed up coming home to us moaning and that if i didn't like it I could go and get a job. (i'm 56 and haven't worked since 1989)he said he was the only one bringing in an income and that we were all ungrateful.
    When he is home we are walking around on tenderhooks in case we say something that sets him off and I have to be so precise in how I explain what I mean or he criticises me. Most evenings he just falls asleep in front of the tv and doesn't want to talk at all.
    I fell 7 weeks ago whilst iceskating and the pain in my elbow was horrendous, he just told me it would get better. As did the orthopod the next day, they both thought it was a minor thing, turns out I had fractured the end of my ULna and had actually got a significant injury, but still I got no attention, just told to stop mentioning it every 10 minutes.
    So yes, its really hard being a Doctors wife, I still love him, but not in the same way that I did when I first met him more like a friend. The boys are now indifferent towards him and that is just very sad.
    I couldn't leave him as we have gone through a lot together but it is still so very lonely.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/24/2012 08:36:00 AM  

  • To the above single/wife: I so feel for you! My kids are still young, but my 13 yr old is becoming indifferent to her dad also. The other two will catch on. I had surgery myself 2 months ago. The night of surgery he was so busy doing homework with the kids, I had to walk downstairs holding my gut to get my own bowl of soup. And that night after he rushed around to get them in bed, I asked for a pain pill, as he was leaving to go do his hobbies, and he handed me the wrong pill. Good thing was aware of what I needed. The next day I had to organize and put away 4 loads of laundry that he washed and folded, because he didn't know where they went. He left to run errands that day, and I got myself food again. Today I got a call that I need a second mamogram. I turned to him with pure fear in my gut, and he just said,'call and find out why', and then he went off to bed.
    So wish I had a spouse to talk to, to share my concerns.
    You are right, it is so very lonely!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 4/24/2012 06:47:00 PM  

  • I have SUCH a respect for all of you women!

    I will soon be the wife to a surgeon and want to be the best wife i can be to him. I won't bail, because i love with all my heart.
    Reading this blog has,however, definitly opened my young eyes to the life that i face. And i will take all your amazing advice to Heart, as good as possible.

    Next time he and i talk about our future i will let him know that things will not get better with his schedule and about how we will live with that.
    First i thought once i'm married, i'll be home and have kids and be a mom wth him coming home in the evenings, but now i have realized that having a part time job, some hired help with house and/or children, and having no expectations... are an essential key to helping me keep sane and in turn be kind and positive in my attitude towards him.
    Thankfully, like most of you, he is a very very good man and loves me with all his heart, his words, and his actions. i also know he will understand and help with the solutions especially concerning time together.
    Another thing,
    I am glad to be a soon-to-be wife whose husband will be gone a lot, but safe. You know? I'm glad i wont have to fear for his life, as soldier wives do, for example.

    I wish all of you the very very best! And thank you for all your posts.
    Never feel bad for writing your heart out! It's healthy and important to get it all out of your System.

    Much Love to you all!
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/13/2012 08:18:00 AM  

  • Great support group of doc wives, over 1200 in all phases of training and post training. I am an administrator of our Facebook group, but we also have a blog.

    If you like that, search lives of doctors wives on Facebook. Be sure to message an administrator and have your messaging turned on. We would love to have you. Very active group.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/01/2012 10:16:00 PM  

  • Nothing prepares you for the blonde with her breasts about to plop free from her blouse as she jiggles to your husband.

    Then the female says Hi Dr.
    as close to him as possible with longing and admiration in her eyes.

    I m thinking this is a mentally ill patient.
    Husband says as we leave grocery she is his new receptionist. Our teenage son who is 14 loves the show of breasts and said DAD! Wow do all your staff do that? I really like her boobs they jiggle.

    I am livid.
    Cant anyone be professional and respectful anymore?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/02/2013 03:02:00 PM  

  • Honestly ladies I posted the last comment.
    It seems like being a half million in debt from husbands medical school days and this house we bought is getting to me.
    The home is located in California.
    Its a lemon. Sigh.
    Our vehicles are old but ok.
    I get tired of being thousands of miles from home.
    Tired of the overt sexual behavior of the women.
    Not all of them of course I do not want to offend anyone here, its the crazies I'm tired of.
    I have been told I don't dress good enough to be a doctors wife by two women here. Like they dress any better I thought, how rude.
    Like I care?
    Geez I am SO HAPPY to find a place where I can read comments and know the majority of women understand.
    I have begged my husband for boundaries but he gets angry.
    I have been stalked and sexually harassed by women husband turned down sexual advances...Had to call the police. My husband is nice looking but he is just a family doc lol. Maybe its the remoteness of Northern Cali that people are errrr a lil different.
    It makes no sense to me. I really do not understand.
    I have had a patient my husband only saw once five years ago come over more than once and follow us at the local fair.
    This woman was upset because Dr didn't remember her name. I guess she didn't realize he sees thousands of people.
    So she came over uninvited unannounced to our home bringing husband gift and her business card.
    I asked this odd creature who her husband was and she immediately gave me a look to kill.
    On my property flirting with my husband.
    Mu husband is passive and he needs to get it right.
    I don't like the odd attention and lack of boundaries. It seems I am the target when the women do not get the attention they want or feel they are entitled too. Its breaking me down to the point of anger and tears.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/03/2013 08:47:00 AM  

  • Hi all. I've wanted to be a doctor my whole life and its the only job I see myself doing. I'm starting pre-med next semester. However being married for 50 years and having kids are my biggest life goals. This thread scares me that it can't be done?
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 7/27/2014 06:42:00 PM  

  • Thank you for these posts. Specialist husband, three kids, have a PhD in science that I haven't used in a while. Know that the solutions are not in my relationship with him as a friend, OR in my marriage, OR in my role as a mother. Need to dig deep and find another life for myself within all that knowing that I will never really have a partner. So sad. Sad knowing my kids will not really have a Dad and will one day grow up and realize it.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 8/17/2014 10:46:00 AM  

  • Got married 2 weeks before his MCAT. Gave up my PhD program to marry him. Survived the MCAT a, med school, Match Day, residency, beginning partnership, hirings, coming and goins of partners, selling practice to hospital, change to become hospital staff...have survived 26 years of marriage. Have also survived 26 years of female partners, hospital staff, patients, and groupies...My husband is double-boarded in Internal medicine and Pediatrics.. Average work day is 12-18 hours...yes, even for primary care...three wonderful children ...One of two main things I have learned as a physicians wife:1. Have your own identity., whether it is your career, your children, hobbies, volunteering..YOUR IDENTITY cannot be in your husband. You were created as YOU, whatever your name is...my name is Pamela, not Dr. So - and Sos wife..you were someone before you met him/her. If you didn't know who that is before, don't expect him/her to give you identity now. Spend some time finding out who you are-it's a big world with unlimited opportunities.God created you, your spouse didn't. His patients DIDNT and his staff didn't. Don't wear society's labels... It has been quite a journey. Not a perfect one. Don't expect too much of your physician -spouse. They already have the expectation to be perfect on their shoulders, put there but the world. 2. One last word of advice-find a way to communicate with each other that will work. This might take some adjustment and some time.. But it is KEY.. Also find a support somewhere, whether it is MOPS, a bowling group, the Medical Alliance, etc... Don't just sit in front of a TV, believing the lies about what the world expects you and him to be...

    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 10/14/2014 03:56:00 PM  

  • As things have continued down the same path...his work, his hobbies, his time away from home doing what he likes. Me and the kids. I've come to a point of not caring. So much so, that tomorrow I have to find a Valentine card that just says, Happy Valentine's Day. It makes me sick in the stomach for it to say anything about love. That was killed over the years. My kids are all I have. The marriage is over as far as I'm concerned.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 2/11/2015 07:44:00 PM  

  • With a Dr working so much and its like being a single mom, the nice thing for you guys is you don't have to worry about food, rent, clothes at least. I be happy about that.
    posted by Anonymous Anonymous at 6/27/2017 05:42:00 PM  

  • I'm puzzled with lots of exercises. I was afraid I could not do the right time despite my hard work. I need a support person.

    posted by Blogger Love Kpop at 1/23/2018 11:20:00 PM  

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