17 different women, 36 crazy children, 0 babies in utero
Adventures, Advice and Questions from a group of Mormon women who met in Queens, NY and have now scattered all over the place.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Who are you and what are you doing here?

I'm new to motherhood and blogging. This site is the perfect combination!

I’ve been a mom for two months, one week, and three days—a very new mom. And my newness is compounded by the fact that I didn’t have 7 or so months to wrap my brain around the idea that I would be a mom. I found out the day after my daughter was born that she had been born and that we needed to get on a plane to go and get her. We did, and three days later as she left the hospital, she was ours (OK, technically, she still isn’t “ours.” That won’t happen for another 10 months when the adoption is finalized. Still, she’s definitely in our care). But even as I held her those first few days (after that I flew back to work pretty quickly, leaving my husband to care for a newborn by himself while Louisiana and New York decided whether we could do some inter-state trafficking with this baby), none of it felt real.

And maybe, given the reasons I’ve just mentioned in parentheses—adopted, not legally ours, back to work really quickly—this isn’t so strange ☺. But given that it’s two months and one week later, I would’ve hoped the whole “mom” thing would’ve sunk in by now. It hasn’t. I still look at this really cute baby with these completely irrational, or at least unforgiving, behaviors, and wonder who she is and what’s she’s doing here.

Mostly, I’m too darn tired to even think about it at all. I just jump when she cries and try to “get something done” when she doesn’t. Besides, the alien nature of our relationship is not completely foreign to me. My husband and I recently celebrated four years of marriage, and just last Sunday I turned to him in our bed and wondered aloud, “So you and I are married, huh?”


  • Whatever your birthing experience, I don't think it feels real for awhile. I remember looking at both my sons for the very first time and they just looked completely alien to me....I thought there would be an instant connection but there wasn't. It took a lot of time and patience and love for the bonding to occur.
    It's amazing how completely different, yet completely the same various birthing experiences are from each other.

    I also think that a certain loss occurs between husband and wife when I child enters the family....my husband and I also had the "wake up and realize you are nothing but roomates right now."

    I'm sure you know this...but the first year is the hardest as far as that goes.....
    posted by Blogger Jen at 1/04/2006 01:56:00 PM  

  • newmom, having never adopted a child, I can't know what you're experiencing, but I do know how foreign motherhood felt to me for a good while. Yes, there was something inside of me that loved this little creature so much that I suddenly understood why mother bears attack if you come near their cubs. But at the same time, there was a part of me that was well aware that I had NO IDEA what I was doing, and was absolutely sure that I had made a giant mistake in thinking that I could pull it off. And it feels like everyone else has it together. But they don't. :-) It gets better. I still don't know what I'm doing, but at least I'm used to feeling that way now!
    posted by Blogger marian at 1/04/2006 04:52:00 PM  

  • I didn't feel like my babies' mom until they started smiling at me and crying for me when I left the room. I guess for me that meant "Hey you. You are my mom. I am your baby and I need you." And when I got that, I finally checked in body, mind and soul.
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 1/04/2006 04:58:00 PM  

  • Ah the ebs and flows of motherhood and spousehood. My husband and I have gotten better at recognizing the signs that we are headed toward "roommates"...and quickly quash it and refocus. But TOTALLY know that feeling.
    As for the alien motherhood thing...I still ask my baby when her mother is going to come pick her up....she's been gone a long time...maybe I should report her missing.
    I have noticed with a new baby that you hybernate for a while, and slowly re-emerge. I noticed these re-emergances (is that a word) at 3 months, 8 months and 18 months. Between 8 and 18 months you may even flirt with inviting another baby into the mix, but once you emerge out of the 18 month fog, life with your current baby seems like just enough thank you. Hang in there.
    posted by Blogger Kage at 1/04/2006 05:27:00 PM  

  • I guess I took newmom's last line about her husband to mean something totally different than everyone else. I thought she was just saying that the marriage relationship still doesn't seems "real" just like her relationship with the baby doesn't seem quite "real". More along the lines of I feel like "we're still just playing house" and less like "my marriage is just not the same since the baby arrived!". Newmom, do you want to clarify?
    posted by Blogger TftCarrie at 1/04/2006 05:33:00 PM  

  • Carrie, that's how I took it as well, which is a feeling I could totally relate to. Not now (it's been almost 8.5 years...) but certainly for those first 4!
    posted by Blogger marian at 1/04/2006 05:40:00 PM  

  • I did mean that being married feels foreign, still. When I married, it completely blew my mind that I was going to be living with this person for the rest of my life. I'd spent a good 30 years + living with roommates, family, etc., but this guy was always there. I mean, I liked the guy, but marriage just felt/still feels weird. It's starting to feel less so, of course. Still, after I married I was surprised how few people commented on the weirdness of marriage--everyone acted like it was completely natural. So I've started seeing this pattern in my life: I don't mentally adjust to big changes well.
    posted by Blogger newmom at 1/06/2006 02:28:00 PM  

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